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Mr. Jenkins:
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Hello, Dr. Balis. How are you doing today?
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Decker. I'm not doing too bad. You look like you are in high spirits.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Yeah, I guess I am. I feel pretty good today. I've been taking the medication and I don't know if it's doing any good, but maybe it is. I haven't been able to tell yet.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well Decker, as I told you before, it may take a little while for you to notice any changes. If it makes you feel better, I've noticed some changes in you.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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You have. Like what?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, first of all, I notice that you seem calm, a little...well to be frank, happy. You're looking directly at me, which you haven't done in the past, and you're smiling. I'm glad to see these signs. It seems to be an improvement over our past sessions.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, I guess I do feel a little...oh, what's the word I'm looking for...refreshed? Yeah, that's it: refreshed.
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Dr. Balis:
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How so?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, I feel more alive, I guess. However, I really don't think it's the medication.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why's that?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Because this happens every once in a while. I feel pretty good about myself for a few days, then I go right back into the weird shit. Simian isn't around as much during the good days. He's still there--I can feel him--but he doesn't talk as much. The past few days, he has let me live my life my way. But I know what will happen when I fall again. Simian will tell me that I can't live with out his guidance, that I'm not capable of controlling my own life, and that I need him to make the right decisions for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Does that include harming yourself at times?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, not really. He's never told me to go and slit my wrists or anything, if that's what you mean. But he has commented that it wouldn't hurt anything if I no longer existed. He's right about that to a certain extent.
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Dr. Balis:
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How so?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, no one would miss me if I did die. Karen would think it was a gift from God. Mr. Knopff would only have to find a replacement for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think would happen to Simian?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I'm sure he'd find a way to follow me to whatever afterlife I would have and torment me there, too. Actually, that thought alone is probably what keeps me from taking my own life. I figure if he will be with me after I die, there is no use in killing myself. I might as well stay alive and try to figure a way to get rid of him and lead a normal life. It's a thought that scares me though.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why is that?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Because, for as long as I can remember, Simian has been with me, sort of guiding me along. Telling who to talk to, who to stay away from, how to deal with my problems. Sometimes I feel that I treat him like the devil, but the truth is he's helped me. He's given me courage in situations where I would have been too afraid, like the job at The Pit. I would have never gone in there and asked for a job if it wasn't for Simian. The thing is though, I'm beginning to think he's doing more harm than good.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can you give me an example?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, last week sometime, this girl walks into the bar with a couple of other women. There was nothing too special about the two women--they were just your basic women bitches--but the girl...I don't know, there was something about her. She was cute, but that wasn't it. Anyway, they all found a table and the cute one came up to the bar and ordered their first round of drinks. I don't remember what the other ladies wanted, but her request fascinated me: a double bock. I was surprised. Not too many people order that; we don't even carry it. She seemed a little disturbed by that and ordered a Killians, I think. Anyway, my point is that later she came back over and chatted with me for a little bit. She didn't seem sexually interested in me, which is a first as far as women talking to me at the bar, and she did all the talking. Simian told me to stay away from her, that she was bad news. Ninety-nine percent of the time Simian is right about women, but about this one, I think he's completely wrong. She was fascinating. I didn't think women could talk so well. She talked a lot about beer--she knows her beer--and also about her cat. I've never had an animal before and she made me want to go out and get a cat. She loves that thing. I'm sorry, Doctor, I'm rambling about a woman.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's all right, Decker. I get a sense from you that you don't like women.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Not usually. I've never had a positive experience with a woman before, at least not until Chris--she's the girl in the bar. I mean I never talk to them. They scare me.
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Dr. Balis:
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What scares you about them?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Simian tells me these horror stories about women using men to get what they want. Like, a women using her tits and other parts to attract a man so she can take all of his money and leave him or kill him. I don't need added troubles in my life. The entire concept of sex confuses me. If you haven't guessed, I've never had sex before. The only naked body I've seen is Karen and that woman she was with. Don't get me wrong, I liked what I saw. I think that's what scared me the most. I got an erection. I watched the woman run out of the room and could only imagine feeling her tits in my hands. I've never felt that before. It scared me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Decker, most men are aroused by the sight of a naked woman. Feeling aroused is not something that should frighten you.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, the only woman I've ever really known is Karen. All she does is bitch and moan about everything I do and don't do. I don't find her attractive at all. Which I know is good...if I did find her attractive, I'd have even bigger problems. But I think my reactions to her carry over to other women that I meet. I don't want to get involved because I only have Karen's reactions to the things that I do, and I'm afraid that all women react the same way. I know it's not true, but Simian continually tells me that it is. After hearing it from him so many times, I guess on some level I believe it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you believe it about Chris?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well no. She's different. She had interesting things to say. When I talked to her, I didn't think about her tits. I saw her eyes. They were beautiful, sort of a hazel-green color, and so full of truth. I guess I didn't see her as a woman, but rather as a person. I really don't want to talk about this anymore, because I'm already going to over-analyze my first encounter with Chris as it is.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay, we can talk more about it some other time. I'd like to ask you some other questions, okay?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Sure.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Nope.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you ever thought about it?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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If you mean, have I ever thought about killing myself? Yes, of course. Hasn't everyone thought about pulling the trigger at one time or other? The difference is whether or not you're serious.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, have you ever been serious about killing yourself?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I've held a gun to my head while it was loaded, yes. But the thought of being followed by Simian stopped me.
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Dr. Balis:
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How long ago was this?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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A couple of years ago. And no, I haven't done it since.
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Dr. Balis:
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You've never actually tried to commit suicide?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Nope. I've sat on my bed for a few hours with a gun to my head contemplating it. But I've never gone through with it! I look at suicide as a last resort kind of thing.
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Dr. Balis:
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How do you mean?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, if I can't get rid of Simian, and he is destroying my life, and nothing I do calms him, then yes, I might do it. But right now, I feel I'm very far from that. Death scares me too much to do it today or tomorrow. There are many things I want to change in my life. Like I want to live on my own. Simian has kept me from doing that. He tells me I won't make it and I will have to beg Karen to let me back in. But I want to know what it's like to be free from her shit. I also want to have a friend--I mean a real friend, not like Simian. I consider you a friend, Doctor, but if I called you to go to a ball game or something, I highly doubt you'd go with me. Not because you wouldn't want to be seen with me or something, but because I'm a patient. And I respect that. But I want an honest friend. Maybe someone like Chris. Someone who won't think I'm nuts. I'm so excited about trying these things right now that suicide is a long, long way off. But then again, I'm also scared that trying these things will cause suicide to come closer. Do you follow me here, Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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I think I do, Decker. But we've got to keep suicide out of the question for you. Working together, with a lot of hard work and dedication, I think you can achieve those goals and dreams. And I'm really going to help you, Decker. But the medication is very important. That's first and foremost. The other things we'll work through here. I have to tell you, Decker, that I'm very impressed by the strength of your desire to get the help you need. You've shown a lot of courage and strength to come and seek my help, and I respect you for that. There are a lot of people in your situation who just give up, and don't think about getting the help they need.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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See? I owe that to Simian.
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Dr. Balis:
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I have my own ideas about Simian that we will work through in future sessions. But right now, let's take it a day at a time, all right?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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That's how I've lived my life.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'd like you to try something that's been helpful with other patients if you find the time. I'd like you to keep a daily journal if you could. It's nothing formal, just write down your thoughts, what you did that day, that sort of thing. Do you think you could do that?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I'll give it a try.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. I think it will help you see our progress as we go forward, okay? Decker, this was a very good session. We're out of time, now, but I want to see you next week, okay?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I'll be here.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's great. And be sure that you keep taking the medication. That's very important, okay? And if there are any problems, just give me a call, day or night. The service knows how to get ahold of me, okay?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Thank You. Goodbye.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Decker.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Decker Jenkins' Communications
