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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Sharon.
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Ms. Lough:
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Mmm.
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened? Did you just come from the dentist?
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Ms. Lough:
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Uh!
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh god! You pierced your tongue?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yeah.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sharon, please keep your pants on...
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Ms. Lough:
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Hmm?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I see. You had your labia pierced, too. How delightful.
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Ms. Lough:
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Hmm, uh?
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Dr. Balis:
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How do you plan to communicate during our session? Oh, I see, you brought your laptop.
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Ms. Lough:
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I'm a pretty fast typist.
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Dr. Balis:
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I can see that.
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Ms. Lough:
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Or would you rather I express myself through an interpretive dance?
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Dr. Balis:
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The laptop will suffice.
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Ms. Lough:
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It's not as nice as yours. I only use mine for text files. I've been keeping a journal in it, too. I got out of tutoring the Tofu Rejects this week, but I still had to go to class.
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Dr. Balis:
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When did you get the piercings?
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Ms. Lough:
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Over the weekend, at Black and Blue Tattoo.
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Dr. Balis:
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Wasn't it painful?
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Ms. Lough:
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Oh yeah! I screamed my head off. The waiting room was full when I first arrived, but after I was done, everyone had cleared out. The pain was really exciting. I got an incredible endorphin rush that lasted for days afterward. Now I understand why some people get every part of themselves pierced.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you planning on doing that?
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Ms. Lough:
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Oh, no...well, not until these piercings heal, anyway. That refreshing first piss of the day really hurts like a bitch now.
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Dr. Balis:
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I hope you're taking care of them, Sharon. Infection is a big risk. You should clean the genital piercing with rubbing alcohol.
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Ms. Lough:
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You're supposed to use hydrogen peroxide. Rubbing alcohol just worsens the irritation. I rinse my mouth and twat with hydrogen peroxide a few times a day.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. How long does it take to heal?
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Ms. Lough:
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A few months. It depends, and everyone is different. Attitude is an important part of healing. I'm looking forward to giving my first blow job with a stud in my tongue--it's supposed to enhance oral sex. Rob isn't so enthusiastic, though.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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You look disgusted.
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Dr. Balis:
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I can't say I'm happy about this. Are there other body modifications you'd like to try?
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Ms. Lough:
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I always wanted a brand.
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Dr. Balis:
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A brand? Like they do to cattle?
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Ms. Lough:
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No, not a big, ugly cow-brand. I want a small brand, in a subtle, tasteful design.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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I'm kind of surprised I got the piercings. I always thought the piercing thing was a strange and aberrant practice. Most tattoos are crude and ugly, though sometimes, I notice one I like. I wonder what the next body-modification fad will be? Will teenagers go the tribal African route and wear rings round their necks to stretch them out like a giraffe's? Or maybe they'll put those big plates in their lips. Beauty standards are so bizarre. I wonder if other cultures look at skinny Calvin Klein models with bewilderment and shake their heads, muttering, "Crazy Americans."
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Dr. Balis:
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How did Rob react to your body modifications?
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Ms. Lough:
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He's pissed. That's why I did it.
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Dr. Balis:
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You did this to make Rob angry?
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Ms. Lough:
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He told me to get out of the house last Sunday, so his Ex-cow could come pick up her things. It takes that goddamned Bovine all fucking day to pick up a few things for her pasture. Of course, the Heifer has to drop off several boxes of junk--she always leaves more than she takes. What does she think--our house is a storage facility? Why can't she drop off her junk at Goodwill or the city dump? Breed Sow even rearranged the fucking furniture. She hasn't lived there in ages, and she acts like she owns the place. I thought I'd get back at Rob for letting her walk all over him. He's expressed distaste for piercings, now he has to look at them all the time. I keep sticking out my tongue at him just to see the look on his face.
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Dr. Balis:
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Charlotte is still in the process of moving out her belongings?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yes, the Belle of Pigs is deliberately dragging it out for as long as possible. Charlotte always makes excuses to come back. She loves prolonging the agony. It's almost as if she gets off on emotional pain. And it looks like Breed Sow has been putting in some time at the trough. Rob thinks she's gained a lot of weight, too, at least fifty pounds. She always was a corpulent creature, but now she's monstrously obese. I've been writing down fat jokes so I'll be prepared when I see her.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Lough:
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You know who's lost weight? Godzilla! I saw her at the BART station a few days ago. I barely recognized her. She had her stomach stapled, and it curbed her appetite. She didn't look very good, though. Her skin hangs in folds around her face. I can't call her Godzilla anymore, I'll have to come up with something else. I'm thinking of renaming her Sag Hag.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why not call her by her given name?
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Ms. Lough:
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It's more fun to rechristen them. People aren't as threatening if they have a funny moniker. I told Sag Hag she looked good, even though I thought she looked terrible. I liked her better when she was fat.
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Dr. Balis:
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As I recall, you gave her the nickname "Godzilla" because of her size. You used to say you were repulsed by her obesity. Now that she's lost weight, you complain she doesn't look good because of that.
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Ms. Lough:
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Some people aren't meant to be thin. Like Oprah Winfrey--her face is really weird now. And her personality's changed--she's edgy and judgmental.
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Dr. Balis:
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Not warm and accepting like you.
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Ms. Lough:
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Oh shut up. I saw that motivational diet-and-exercise book she co-wrote with her trainer. Anyone who has to go to such great lengths to stay slim should learn to accept her size.
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Dr. Balis:
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One of the reasons why people go to such great lengths to stay slim is to avoid the prejudice of a society biased against people who are overweight.
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Ms. Lough:
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Society will always have unfair prejudices. Take a look at Paul Prudhomme, there's a picture of him in all of his corpulent grandeur on the cover of his cookbooks, but that doesn't dissuade people from trying his artery-clogging brand of cajun cuisine. When he talks lovingly of bacon grease and the joys of deep frying, you know his heart's not into low-fat cooking. You take a look at those pudgy cheeks, the rolls of fat around his neck, and that disarming smile, and you've got to love him, all six hundred pounds of him. He looks a lot better and happier now that he gained back the weight he lost.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand your feelings, but obesity does bring with it a number of health problems.
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Ms. Lough:
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I'd rather live life to the hilt, complete with heaping portions of fried chicken and Doritos. I'll die young and leave behind a fat, greasy corpse. They'll have to bury me in a piano crate.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Are things between you and Rob strained because of the holes you recently punched in yourself?
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Ms. Lough:
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Rob was angry at first. But because of his hand, he's come to depend on me. He has trouble holding a coffee cup now.
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Dr. Balis:
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His hand? Oh, that's right, the doctor said he had arthritis.
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Ms. Lough:
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Rob's hand has gotten much worse. It's terribly swollen, all puffed out like a hamburger bun. He says it hurts, too, and he has very limited motion.
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Dr. Balis:
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That doesn't sound like arthritis. Has he thought of getting a second opinion?
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Ms. Lough:
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He will now, because he can't even wipe his ass. His boxers are full of holes, and he wears the same jeans everyday. I'm thinking of nicknaming him Gravy Stain.
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Dr. Balis:
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How sweet.
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Ms. Lough:
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I've even offered to do it for him, I was so grossed-out by the skid marks. He wouldn't let me, even when I banged on the door mid-bowel-movement and told him I had special adult butt-wipes. Did you know Depends makes those? They package says they're designed especially for adults--they must use industrial-strength solvents.
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Dr. Balis:
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No, I wasn't aware that there was a brand of wipes designed for adults.
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Ms. Lough:
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I was so disappointed when Rob wouldn't let me use the grown-up fanny wipes on him. He said he thought it would take the romance out of our relationship. I wanted to tell him I didn't think that was possible, but I didn't want him to take it the wrong way.
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Dr. Balis:
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How very sensitive of you.
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Ms. Lough:
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Yeah, I can be warm and fuzzy, too, you know. It amazes me that butt stains come in such a wide variety of shapes and sizes. I can almost tell what kind of mood Rob is in by the marks on the seat of his pants. It's kind of like a very personal, very organic Rorsasch test. Or maybe it's closer to reading tea leaves. I haven't decided yet.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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I wonder if it's possible to devise some sort of personality test based on butt stains. Just think what a powerful diagnostic tool that could be. We could work on it together, and you could implement it in your practice. It would be a revolutionary new technique, written up in the American Journal of Psychiatry. You'd be known as the Shit Stain Shrink. Can you say that three times fast?
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Dr. Balis:
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Sharon, is there something else you'd like to talk about today?
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Ms. Lough:
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I want to talk about butt stains.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think we should spend the session talking about issues that are important to you.
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Ms. Lough:
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Butt stains are important to me. They're really hard to get out.
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Dr. Balis:
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I suspect your professed interest in this rather distasteful subject is an attempt to avoid talking about serious issues.
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Ms. Lough:
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Butt stains are serious. Get a whiff of Rob these days--it's a pretty serious issue, let me tell you.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did Rob make a doctor's appointment to get a second opinion about his hand?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yeah, he has an appointment with another hand specialist on Friday. It's weird, all these problems started when Groucho bit him. But the last doctor he saw said he didn't think it was caused by the cat bite.
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Dr. Balis:
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If the swelling was caused by an animal bite, it might be a sign of infection. I'm wondering if Rob's condition could be alleviated by something as simple as antibiotics.
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Ms. Lough:
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Infection, uh? I hadn't thought of that.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's one of several possibilities. That's something a specialist could look for.
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Ms. Lough:
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Hmm. So what do you think of my butt-stain Rorsasch idea? I really think I'm onto something here.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sharon...
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Ms. Lough:
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I used to have this theory that you can predict a person's future based on what kind of Chicken McNugget they chose first. Chicken McNuggets, you see, have distinct shapes. There are the elongated ones with little stumpy appendages, and there are round ones, and some are kind of in-between.
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Dr. Balis:
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Fascinating.
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Ms. Lough:
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I like long ones the best. It's a phallic symbol, of course. I think this expresses my love of performing fellatio. Just my luck that I end up living with the one red-meat-eating heterosexual male on the planet who doesn't like blow jobs. Rob didn't like them even before I got my tongue pierced. It's unnatural, and unhealthy, and downright un-American, if you ask me, considering who we have in the White House.
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Dr. Balis:
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We're almost out of time, Sharon.
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Ms. Lough:
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By my watch, we still have a few minutes left. Do you think my Chicken McNugget Rorsasch has any possibilities?
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Dr. Balis:
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Have a good week, Sharon. Take care of those piercings.
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Ms. Lough:
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How about a personality test based on those pale, yellow, slug tracks women get on the crotches of their underwear? Vagina stain Rorsasch? You could file dirty panties in with your case histories, and use them for nefarious purposes as well. You could even sell them to prisoners and lonely perverts and make an easy buck. I think it's an idea with great potential.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Sharon.
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Ms. Lough:
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You have no vision, Doctor Balis.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Sharon Lough's Communications
