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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Madeline. I hope you're feeling better.
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Ms. Trent:
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Yes, much better. Thank you. But I've been so tired lately. I think my immune system is down--I feel like I'm susceptible to just about any illness floating around. But quite a few people at work are out sick, too. Hopefully, it won't turn into an epidemic. Anyway, a few days of rest and relaxation were just what the doctor ordered, as it were. Jesse babied me while I was sick. He is such a sweetheart. He literally waited on me, hand and foot. I felt a little guilty, but not too guilty to enjoy the respite.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sometimes, rest is the best prescription. I'm glad to see you back at work and back in therapy. I was concerned that you were possibly avoiding our sessions, hmm?
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Ms. Trent:
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Well, I suppose I should feign shock, surprise, and indignation, but I think lying to you would be counter-productive.
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Dr. Balis:
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I agree. Honest and open communication is an integral part of therapy. I appreciate your candor. Why don't we start with the trial? How did it go?
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Ms. Trent:
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Somehow, I knew you were going to bring that up. It didn't go. Friday morning, I went to the courthouse as scheduled. I waited for about an hour, when Clarice, my attorney, came out and told me that the defense attorney pled down the charges. Instead of three counts of rape and one count of second degree murder, he is charged with manslaughter and two counts of sexual battery.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. What do you think of the plea?
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Ms. Trent:
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On one hand, I'm relieved that I didn't have to testify. I'm glad that he's going to jail. But somehow, I just don't feel vindicated.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think he's getting off lightly?
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Ms. Trent:
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I don't know. I would rather have a guarantee that he's going to jail, than bank on the prosecution's ability to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that he was the perpetrator. I like knowing that he'll be locked up and that he's now a convicted sex offender. Maybe now, he'll find out what it's like to be violated. He has enough of a pretty-boy look that he's sure to become someone's girlfriend. I think the real justice will happen once the cons get hold of him. I hope they'll initiate him slowly.
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Dr. Balis:
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An eye for an eye, as it were?
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Ms. Trent:
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Yes! He has no idea what it's like to lay awake in bed at night, terrified of every sound, not knowing if it's safe to close your eyes and sleep, not knowing if some sick disease has been passed on to you by force. He doesn't know what it's like to be dehumanized, to be treated like a piece of meat, to be pummeled for someone else's sick pleasure! The fear and terror that becomes intrinsic to your every breath...maybe he'd start to understand what he's done when he becomes someone else's property--when he gets probed and forced to submit to someone's inhumane acts. I hate that man! Doctor Balis, see this scar?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes.
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Ms. Trent:
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He did this to me. He branded me. He held me in a choke-hold and cut me, while telling me that I was his bitch. He said that he was branding me and that I would always be his bitch to use however he wanted. He threw me onto the floor, onto all fours, and kicked me in the ribs. Then he grabbed me by my hair and dragged me across the floor to the kitchen. I tried to fight him, so he threw my head against the kitchen wall, and I crumpled to the floor. While I was out of it....
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Dr. Balis:
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It's okay, Madeline. Take your time. Try to control your breathing.
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Ms. Trent:
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I need to get this all out now, or I'll lose my courage.
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Dr. Balis:
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Use your anger to force the story out, Madeline.
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Ms. Trent:
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While I was slumped on the floor, he trashed my kitchen--plates, glasses, mugs were all crashed around me on the floor. He emptied all the drawers, dumping them on top of me. He took just about every dark colored substance in that kitchen and rubbed it into the wound. The police said that he'd used everything from pepper to soy sauce. Sick bastard! So, not only do I have a scar, but it's a tattoo as well. When I woke up, he was...he was...
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Dr. Balis:
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Madeline. You're safe here. He can't hurt you anymore. Take your time. Breathe. That's good.
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Ms. Trent:
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When I woke up, he was...I'm so humiliated.
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Dr. Balis:
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Breathe, Madeline. It's all right. Try to breathe. That's it.
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Ms. Trent:
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When I started to wake up...I remember waking up to such intense pain. My vaginal area felt like it was on fire. My head was throbbing. I felt like I had been put inside a trash can and rolled down a hill. My eyesight was so blurred that I wasn't even sure what was going on. The room was spinning. Opening my eyes a crack sent lightening bolts through my head. As my eyes started to adjust, I could tell that he was sort of standing over me. My sight started to clear, and I was horrified with what I saw. I started screaming and trying to scurry away from him as fast as I could. He was...he was squatting over me and...he was...he was defecating on my stomach! I started screaming. He grabbed my hair and snapped me upright. He held my face over the stove and told me that if I didn't shut up, he'd turn on the burner. I must have passed out just as he turned on the gas--I remember feeling the heat, but then nothing. I woke up on my bed as he was anally raping me, and then nothing again. Later, I woke up in the hospital and went nuts. Everything after that is so fuzzy.
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Dr. Balis:
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Madeline...
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Ms. Trent:
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Doctor Balis, this is the first time I've told anyone what really happened to me. The police guessed most of it because of the shape I was in when they found me. Even Jesse doesn't know about some of the sickest parts of what happened. In the hospital, they explained to me the extent of my injuries. I had a concussion, bruised ribs, slight internal bruising, bleeding in my rectum, and...they told me that he had used a cigarette and burned my labia with it, and up inside and around my clitoris. As the doctor continued talking and telling me the ways he had abused me vaginally, I felt ill. I was so afraid to ask, but I had to know if I could still have children. They said it was highly unlikely. I think that was the hardest thing for me to hear. I felt as though my soul had been sucked out of me. There is more, but I just don't have the strength to say anymore. Now do you understand why I hope he suffers? Can you understand why I want him to feel the same pain and humiliation that he pushed on me?
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Dr. Balis:
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I do, Madeline. I understood before you told me the details of your rape, but I understand better now that I've heard you. Do you have flashbacks of the rape?
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Ms. Trent:
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Yes. Doctor Balis, sometimes I just want to claw my eyes out. Yesterday, when I walked out of the ladies restroom at work and turned a corner, I almost collided with Scott--he's a man I work with. I freaked out and started screaming and trying to scramble away from him. He grabbed me to keep me from falling, and I just started hitting him. He held me tight and kept telling me that it was okay, and that he was Scott, and that he was safe. I just started sobbing. I was mortified. He helped me walk into a conference room and sat with me until I had calmed down a bit. I felt so terrible about it. He must think I'm a complete freak.
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Dr. Balis:
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Does Scott resemble your attacker in any way?
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Ms. Trent:
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I didn't expect to see anyone when I turned that corner, and then he was there. I freaked. I saw a man, coming towards me, invading my personal space and...and I just wigged out. Please lock me up, Doctor Balis. I'm a menace to society.
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Dr. Balis:
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Madeline, you were attacked in your home--your safe place. Someone got into your safety zone and violated you. When you ran into Scott, it triggered memories of the rape and you had a fear reaction. For a while, you're going to continue to experience events that will remind you of your attack almost daily, although perhaps not all events will trigger such a strong response.
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Ms. Trent:
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I went through all of this right after the rape. I was a basket case. Just hearing Jesse light the stove would make me break into a sweat. Why is it all coming back?
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Dr. Balis:
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Possibly because of the trial...
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Ms. Trent:
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And? I hear an "and" in your voice, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, I think it's possible that you have avoided dealing with your fears and emotions that resulted from the rape. With the trial, all that you have suppressed has resurfaced--you've got the fears, flashbacks, acute distress, nightmares, and anxiety again. Tell me, Madeline, do you sometimes see things that you know are not there?
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Ms. Trent:
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What? How did you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you see?
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Ms. Trent:
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Sometimes, the stove lights itself. Sometimes, I feel the scar on my breast bleeding, but when I touch it, nothing has changed. I thought I was going insane. How did you...
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Dr. Balis:
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Rest assured, you are not. You are dealing with the after-effects of a very traumatic and stressful event. Sometimes, hallucinations happen. How frequently do these hallucinations occur?
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Ms. Trent:
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It's happened about half a dozen times since I started therapy.
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Dr. Balis:
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Would you say they are happening more or less often now?
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Ms. Trent:
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It's only been six or seven times...I really don't know. Why? Is something wrong?
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Dr. Balis:
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No, I'm just trying to gauge the frequency of occurrences. I'd like you to tell me each time it happens. You can just drop a quick e-mail if that's easiest for you. I want to keep track of this. I know how frustrating and disconcerting it can be. If the hallucinations continue or progress, we'll consider medication to suppress them, all right?
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Ms. Trent:
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Are you sure I don't need to be committed?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm positive. I'm sorry if I alarmed you; that was not my intent. But I know hallucinations can be very scary, they can make you doubt yourself. Now that I know about them, I can help you deal with them and make them stop.
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Ms. Trent:
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Thank you, Doctor Balis. I'm sorry I was such a wreck today. I'll try to be a bit more cheerful next week.
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Dr. Balis:
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You showed a great deal of strength today, Madeline. It took a lot of courage to to tell me what happened, to say all those things out loud.
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Ms. Trent:
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It did.
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Dr. Balis:
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And please, it's not necessary to show me a happy side when you're here. Just be honest.
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Ms. Trent:
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Okay. Thank you, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have a good week, Madeline. And feel free to contact me any time you need to.
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Ms. Trent:
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Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you next week.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Madeline.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Madeline Trent's Communications
