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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, this is Doctor Balis.
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Mr. Michel:
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Hey, Doc, it's me, Herb!
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Herb. How are you feeling?
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Mr. Michel:
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Not too bad. I'm back in one piece--I've got all my parts now.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad to hear that. Are you...uh, fully functional?
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Mr. Michel:
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Just about. Those doctors did a good job reattaching it. It hurt to pop a boner at first, but I'll get over it. I think I might have lost some length, though, maybe a quarter of an inch. But when you're hung like me, you can hardly tell the difference. I kind of like it this way--the scar gives him some character, you know? And now that it's a little shorter, I won't have to tape it to the inside of my leg anymore.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Mr. Michel:
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I'm kidding, Doc. You've got to have a sense of humor when something like this happens.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad you're feeling better, Herb.
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Mr. Michel:
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Yeah, me too. They gave me some great painkillers!
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Dr. Balis:
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What are you taking?
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Mr. Michel:
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I don't know, it was in the IV, but it was some fucking amazing shit! I wish I could sell something like this, people would be lined up for miles to get a taste of it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. How long were you in the hospital?
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Mr. Michel:
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A couple weeks--I wanted to go back to work as soon as I could.
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Dr. Balis:
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You did? I thought you'd want to take some time off.
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Mr. Michel:
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I've got a lot of people depending on me, Doc. What are all those computer geniuses at SII going to do without their door-to-door salesman? I bet they were going crazy without me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Michel:
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Hey, do you know what happened to Lenore? Did they lock her up?
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Dr. Balis:
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I can't tell you that.
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Mr. Michel:
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Come on, Doc. I've got the right to know. She's a fucking psycho, she shouldn't be walking the streets. What if she did this to you?
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Dr. Balis:
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I can understand your concerns, Herb.
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Mr. Michel:
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Is she locked up or is she out there chewing on some other guy's dick?
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Dr. Balis:
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She's in a safe place.
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Mr. Michel:
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Hmm. I get your meaning. Serves her right, crazy bitch. I hope some prison guard beats her ass good.
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Dr. Balis:
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Herb, are you planning on pressing charges?
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Mr. Michel:
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Hell, yeah! That fucking bitch deserves to get her fat ass fried in the electric chair for what she did to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you consulted with an attorney?
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Mr. Michel:
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No, not yet. It takes a while to find the right lawyer and all that. But I'm coming after her; she's going to pay for this.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Mr. Michel:
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What? Why are you saying it like that? Don't you think I have a right to take her to court?
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course you do, Herb. And Lenore also has that right.
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Mr. Michel:
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Uh? What the fuck are you talking about?
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Dr. Balis:
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You beat her and raped her. She can press charges against you as well.
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Mr. Michel:
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Oh, fuck that! What do you mean, "rape her?" I'm married to her, for god's sake. If you can't rape your own wife, who can you rape?
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Dr. Balis:
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Laws against rape apply to married couples. Lenore's emergency room records will show that she was assaulted, both physically and sexually, on more than one occasion. You attacked a pregnant woman who also happened to be your wife. That's not going to sit well with a judge or a jury.
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Mr. Michel:
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Fuck me! Why do you take her side all the time, Doc?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm not taking sides, I'm being honest with you, Herb. I'm telling you how it is. A criminal or civil prosecution is going to be a two-edged sword in this case.
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Mr. Michel:
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Yeah, you're right. I'll have to tell my lawyers about this. They'll figure out what to do.
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Dr. Balis:
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There's also the issue of your home-based business.
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Mr. Michel:
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Hmm? What are you saying?
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Dr. Balis:
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As I'm sure you know, drug dealers are not held in high esteem by our judicial system.
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Mr. Michel:
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Goddamn it! This is so fucking unfair! I can't believe this!
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Dr. Balis:
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Those are just some things that you need to consider, Herb...
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Mr. Michel:
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Yeah, I know, I know--you're telling me all this for my own good. You're a good guy, Doc.
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Dr. Balis:
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I just want you to be aware...
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Mr. Michel:
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Yeah, you're right. I'm not mad at you. That fucking Lenore! If I take her to court, she'll find some man-hating dyke lawyer to tear the flesh off my bones. I bet all the lesbians and feminists in this city will rally behind her. I hate all this stupid, feminist bullshit. What kind of country is this, where a crazy bitch can go around castrating all the men she wants and a guy who sells a little dope is treated like a serial killer?
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you might be exaggerating a bit...
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Mr. Michel:
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What if I had cut her tits off? Do you think anyone would be making excuses for me? Fuck, no! And do you know why?
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Dr. Balis:
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Why?
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Mr. Michel:
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Because I'm a white, heterosexual, red-meat-eating male, that's why. I'm an endangered species. All these fucking, dumb-ass, liberal lawyers and butt-ugly, feminist cunts would put me in the gas chamber if I mutilated a woman. But some psycho bitch bites off a guy's dick, and they throw a goddamn parade!
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Dr. Balis:
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Herb, I...
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Mr. Michel:
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I can't fucking believe this! This is so fucking unfair.
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Dr. Balis:
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Herb, calm down.
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Mr. Michel:
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You know what I've got to do? I've got to talk to a lawyer. Do you know any good ones, Doc?
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Dr. Balis:
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The city provides attorneys...
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Mr. Michel:
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I don't want a city lawyer. I want my own.
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Dr. Balis:
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Legal Aid can refer you to an attorney.
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Mr. Michel:
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Legal Aid? Okay. I'm going to give them a call right now.
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Dr. Balis:
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Herb...
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Mr. Michel:
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I've got to go, Doc. I'll talk to you later.
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Dr. Balis:
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All right. Goodbye, Herb.
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Mr. Michel:
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Bye.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Telephone Call
Transcripts of Herbert Michel's Communications
