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My Journal
by E.J. Raven
Author's Note: If any material within these bound pages is found to be offensive, too bad.
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Friday :) May 2, 1997
Luke and Louise left around noon for their business trip in Kansas City. I am packing rapidly, and being helped by a slew of people. Mom, Dad, Ben, Isaac, Calypso. There is no talking. Only the fast moving people, packing away all of my stuff. I am glad Luke is not here to make a scene. It would be horrid.
"Why do you want to leave, Lizzy?"
"Because you are a slime sucking toad. Go jerk off."
"Why am I a slime sucking toad?"
"Well, do these give you a clue?"
"That's not me! I was framed!"
"Bullshit, needle-dick the bug fucker. Buzz off."
"You can't talk to me like that!"
"The hell I can't."
"You're mine and you're staying!"
"The hell I am."
"You're gonna get it now, you little bitch!"
(Enter Pretend Beating)
Hmmm...maybe that's not quite right. He never really hits me very hard. Oh, what the hell am I saying. Of course that bastard smacked me around every now and then. He thought he wasn't hitting me so hard. The hell he wasn't. I wish Dr. Balis could be here right now. I think he would be proud. I am finally standing up for myself against my biggest adversary. Luke the Puke is history! Peter is neater. But, the thought of Luke coming home and me not being here is scary. I don't know what he is going to do. He might find me and hurt me some more, like he did before he left today. I'm not going into detail, but I could sue that motherfucker for rape and win. His mother would be a witness! But, she'd probably testify for her precious son and vice pres. I wish they didn't have a company together.
Hold on, I'm hungry....Anybody for pizza? I'm buying!
What a pleasant dinner. Everyone was so cordial. Un-fucking-believable. I cannot wait until I'm out of this hell hole. It smells like dog piss from that horrid creature Louise insists is house trained. Arrgh. Better go. Got packing to do.
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Sat-turd-day, May 3 1997
Monique informed me that Thursday was Beltane. I am horrified that I forgot. It's all this moving business. Sunday at 7 pm creeps ever near, and I've got to be outta here before then. Luke called today and asked me how things were and what I was doing. I just told him I was moving some furniture around. He was going to grill me when I told him that call waiting was beeping in and I was waiting for a phone call. Try to make it as brief and painless as possible.
Mom bought me a kitten! It's a cute purebred white Persian, but she doesn't come with that Persian attitude. Apparently, Mom picked her up from a shelter, and during her earlier years she was abused. So now she's so affectionate. I named her Guin. Short for Guinevere, >from the Arthurian legend. Guin is staying here until tomorrow, when I leave "/ I have to keep her in the carrier, or else she runs out the door. We've already had to chase her twice. It's like she's laughing at us. I should have named her SmartAss. I'm glad they put the dog in the kennel.
. We are done packing. Mom took all of my clothes over to her house. She and Ben are setting up my room for me. I'm leaving the bed here, so Dad donated my twin bed from when I was living at home. Ben actually stripped it and refinished it. It looks absolutely wonderful now. We had a hard time figuring out whether or not to take the piano, but I called the company that sold it and they are recommending a moving company. Ben is paying for the whole thing. I don't know why, but he has an animosity towards Luke. It's actually going to be pretty exciting moving in with Mom and Ben. They aren't going to charge me any rent. I'm taking all of my bills with me, but Mom and Dad have agreed to split them in half, and each parent takes a half and pays it. I don't know, but right now, I need the help.
I had that dream again this morning. It's like a music video. It's Ben's Song by Sarah McLachlan, and all of these graves and things. I can't move, I'm just forced to watch all of these scenes of death. I don't know what it means yet. I need to see Monique soon.
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Sons-day, May 4, 1997
Gueten Tag! (Is that the right spelling? I don't remember.)
The dream came back. I set up an appointment with Monique for Tuesday night. She says that she's missed me in the bookstore. She offered me a job! I'm seriously considering it. The pay drops, but with everyone taking care of me, that shouldn't be a problem. I'm also considering going back to school. I miss learning, and I think everyone in the family would be glad if I did.
Well, we finished moving everything. I left the keys on the kitchen table after I took my last look around. It looks really empty. I cried for awhile. I've lived with Luke since the end of High School. It all seems pointless now. My whole life seems pointless right now. Stop it, Guin, I don't want to be comforted right now.
Well, on a happier note, Mom and Ben did an outstanding job on the room. It's in the East wing. (Yes, I did say WING.) They live in the West wing. They said they didn't really use the east wing, and so it was mine for the taking. I could have as many rooms as I wanted. They're spoiling me rotten. I told Mom that there was no way that she could make up for my childhood. Ben was insulted and said that because he doesn't have any kids, he wanted to spoil his wife's. I guess I should let him. It seems to make him happy.
Guin has explored the room. It seems to overwhelm her. It's funny. These rooms are HUGE and there are a lot of them. I feel like a little kid. Guin and I are going to explore the rest of the house after I'm done doing this. She's not partial to a leash, however. I tried to slip one on her, and she got tangled up in it while she was playing with it. She howled until I rescued her from her leash-bound prison. I have a bad feeling that because I don't know how to say NO to her, that she is going to destroy everything. Well, maybe there is still hope for me. Maybe I can learn to say NO!!!!
We explored. I'm tired. I have a lot of ideas on the house. I'll suggest them to Ben tomorrow. Right now, I just want to take my meds and sleep forever.
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Moon-day, May 5th, 1997
Happy Cinco de Mayo!
I called Dr. B today and changed locations for our session. It seems that Luke is none too happy that I left him.
He drove past my house every half-hour after six pm, (Every hour before then), and finally parked the car in front of the house at midnight. He called every twenty minutes on his cell-phone, and paged me several times. He even walked up to the door and banged until ben opened it and told him that I wasn't around and he hadn't seen me since the concert. Luke actually was going to kill him, I saw it in his eyes as I watched the household surveillance cameras. (Ben showed me this room today, it's neat.) I don't know why he didn't try. Maybe he's saving it up for me.
I'm scared. More scared than I have every been in my life.
He's threatened to kill me.
I think he might follow through with it.
Oh, gods. What the hell am I supposed to do? He would have told me what to do, but I'm on my own now. It's up to me, and perhaps it is that thought that is the most frightening: I am alone.
Maybe not. Maybe this thing with Peter will pan out. I know that I want to help him, to be his friend. I don't want what Luke and I had. I want someone to trust me. But, I haven't returned his phone calls. He probably thinks I hate him. Maybe an e-mail will work. I like e-mail much better. It's less personal....
I finally wrote an e-mail to Peter and another to Chris. I hope he responds soon. I invited him to lunch next Saturday. I also asked Chris if she was free Wednesday to do something. So, we're meeting Wed. For some girl stuff. It's nice to have a female friend that I'm not trying to save. Like Camille. But that's a story for another time.
Chris recommended that I hand this sucker over to my therapist. She goes to therapy, too. I hope that Dr. Whoever (Dad's Doc) isn't her doctor, also.
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Therapy Session where Journal was Delivered
Eliza Raven's Journal
