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Dr. Balis:
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Hello Eliza.
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Ms. Raven:
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Good afternoon Dr. Balis. I hope you received my letter?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes I did.
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Ms. Raven:
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Very good. Well, here is the list Luke provided me. I hope that you don't wish to stick to it, because I surely do not.
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Dr. Balis:
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Let's see: "The Weather, Sports, Work, Music and your band, the News, Animals, and your Wedding Plans." I don't know, I think I might like discussing the weather.
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Ms. Raven:
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Good heavens Doctor! You're not serious!
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Dr. Balis:
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No I'm not. Why don't we forget about Luke's list right now and just talk about what you want to talk about.
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Ms. Raven:
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First off, let's not discuss my childhood right now. I find that it's rather boring and dreary. This is not just Luke's orders; it's my wish not to speak of it. I'd rather work backward, if that's okay with you.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's fine. You mentioned that you are subject to crying spells in your letter.
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes. I have them quite frequently. In fact, more frequently than I would like.
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Dr. Balis:
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Is there anything in particular that triggers them?
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Ms. Raven:
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It's usually something or other. Like the other day, I came home from work and started reflecting about my day. I remembered our session and it made me a little sad about my poor relationship with my mother. Well, Luke walks in from work. He asks me how my day was and I told him I was feeling a bit shaky about seeing you for the first time, but that it was nothing to worry about. He asked me what we talked about,and I told him nothing in particular. Well Luke knows me better than that and he started to grill me about it. Before I know it, I'm sobbing about having to talk about Mother and he goes off. He was ranting and raving and swearing and cursing. It was horrible. Before I knew it, he was hopping in his car and speeding off to your office to have a word with you. Apparently, you had already left for the day and so he came back home. He said his work with you was far from finished.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm...
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, that's how one of the episodes started. Others are brought on by nervousness, stress, anger. It's actually quite a release. It's my way of coping with the big bad world out there.
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Dr. Balis:
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How often do you have these episodes?
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Ms. Raven:
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The minimum is once a week. The maximum is twice a day.
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Dr. Balis:
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When did you start having them?
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Ms. Raven:
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About two years now. Not a day goes by when I'm not thinking whether I'm going to have another one. I worry about how long it will last and whether I'll have enough kerchiefs for my nosebleeds.
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Dr. Balis:
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Your crying sessions are accompanied by nosebleeds?
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Ms. Raven:
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Almost always.
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Dr. Balis:
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Tell me something. How do you feel about Luke?
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Ms. Raven:
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I love him. With all of my heart and soul. It's like I'm in a fantasy land, and it's just me and him. He's chivalrous, beautiful, wonderful. Any woman would be glad to have him around. I'm a lucky woman.
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Dr. Balis:
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Does Luke always stand up for you?
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Ms. Raven:
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An example?
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Dr. Balis:
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His phone call to me, for example.
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Ms. Raven:
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Oh, I knew it! You are upset about that phone call! I begged him not to...I pleaded! I was on my hands and knees, for Christ's sake! He is extremely overprotective of me and anything that upsets me upsets him as well. He did it to vent his aggression, not to defend me! I wanted to talk about Mother, I swear! Oh please believe me!
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course I believe you. I'm sorry Eliza, I didn't mean to upset you. Here're the tissues.
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Ms. Raven:
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I don't need them, thank you. I think I might want to go home now.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't think that would help you with your problems.
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Ms. Raven:
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I don't know! I just can't make up my own mind!
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Dr. Balis:
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Eliza...
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Ms. Raven:
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Do you want me to stay? Well do you?!
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Dr. Balis:
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Eliza, I...
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Ms. Raven:
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Oh, you do not wish it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Nobody wants me around, not even my own therapist!
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Dr. Balis:
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Eliza!
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes, good Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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Please calm down. Let's work this through.
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Ms. Raven:
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All right. I will stay then. But only because you want me to. Blast these nosebleeds!
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Dr. Balis:
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It is my desire to help you work through your problems, not to make up your mind for you.
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Ms. Raven:
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Then your're the only one who will let me make up my own mind.
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Dr. Balis:
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Is that really true, Eliza?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes.
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Dr. Balis:
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Who else makes your decisions?
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Ms. Raven:
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Everyone! My Mother, Luke, his Mother, Isaac, Camille, Josie, Robin, Anders, my co-workers, my bosses, Luke's extended family, my extended family, Everyone I know makes up my mind for me!
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Dr. Balis:
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I noticed that you didn't mention your father.
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Ms. Raven:
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Even he does it sometimes! "Oh dear, you're not strong enough to make a decision on that." He can piss off, and so can the rest of them! They make me so angry! I hate them, I hate them, I hate them!
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you ever tried to stand up for yourself?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes. A couple times. It didn't go over well.
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Dr. Balis:
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What about Luke's father?
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Ms. Raven:
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Dead. Car accident. Two years ago. He was driving home from one of my band's gigs and he was a little bit drunk. Head-on collision. I was lucky I was thrown from the car.
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Dr. Balis:
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You were in that accident?
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Ms. Raven:
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I do not want to talk about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. Let's go back to what happened when you tried to stand up for yourself.
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Ms. Raven:
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It happened so fast...
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Dr. Balis:
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Pardon?
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Ms. Raven:
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I am sorry, I was a bit distracted. I was saying that the accident happened so fast. The last thing I heard was him scream and then I was soaring and I skidded on my face...
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Dr. Balis:
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Ow.
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Ms. Raven:
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Yeah it did hurt. I remembered waking up in a hospital room and Luke standing over me, tears streaking down his face. I was so touched. I'd never seen him cry.
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Dr. Balis:
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You were surprised to see him crying?
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Ms. Raven:
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Well c'mon. Wouldn't you be surprised to see a former athlete crying his eyes out?
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Dr. Balis:
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I guess I could be.
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Ms. Raven:
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Well he was crying, saying over and over, "He's dead, dead Liz, dead. He's dead Liz. He's dead."
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Dr. Balis:
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His father?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes. I was out for a week. His father died and so did the baby I was carrying.
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Dr. Balis:
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You were pregnant?
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Ms. Raven:
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It was really too soon for me to tell. My periods have always been at odd intervals, so two months without one was no big deal for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Does Luke know that you miscarried in the accident?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes. I talked with my doctor after I came out of my coma, and asked him what happened. He told me that I had miscarried in the accident. I felt it was my duty that Luke should know--he's so family oriented. I had to tell him; I couldn't get away with not telling him. It took me a week to work up the courage.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did that talk go?
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Ms. Raven:
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Not well at all. At first he laughed and said that it was a morbid attempt to try to cheer him up after his father had died. I kept insisting that there was no way I was lying and I got so emotionally worked up, that he finally believed me.
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Dr. Balis:
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And?
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Ms Raven:
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All hell broke loose. He had a complete and total cow, if you don't mind me saying. Suddenly it was my fault that his father had died, and it was my intention to miscarry the baby. It was all my fault! All mine!
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Dr. Balis:
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You weren't driving. How could it have been your fault?
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Ms. Raven:
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Oh, try telling that to Luke. Eventually, after the breakdowns started, he stopped and laid off me. He can't stand to see me cry or in pain in any way. So I guess that resolves that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you taking medication for the accident?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes. I have to take painkillers for all sorts of things--Percocets. I was thrown face first. They had to do reconstructive surgery. They did a damned good job, no scars whatsoever. Well a few but, you know, not any noticeable ones. I broke both arms, a leg, and I got a concussion. I almost scraped all the flesh off my arms during that skid. After Luke told me that his father had died, I was in a coma for a week. I was in the hospital longer. Multiple fractions. Reconstructive surgery. Physical therapy. Pain, pain, pain. All the time. I couldn't write for awhile. Luke bought me a mini-cassette recorder for that. I put it in my lap top when I could type again. But it was a long time before I healed from that. And I have yet to begin healing emotionally. I have a recurring nightmare about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Tell me about that.
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, in my dream I'm sitting in Gary's car--Gary was Luke's father--and I'm holding a baby in my lap. We're rolling along at a slow pace when suddenly I grab the wheel and swing one leg over the console and press the gas. We are careening toward another car, when I fling myself out the door, leaving Gary in the car. I take the baby with me. So I roll away. I look up in time to see the cars crash. And I start laughing hysterically. The baby starts to cry, and I begin to tear it apart, limb by limb. It's a little girl. Then I begin to walk away, still laughing. But then I turn around and Gary's pulling himself out of the wreckage. He starts to chase me, even though he's all mangled and everything. He's like a zombie, like "Thriller" and I start to scream. But then the baby pulls itself together and starts to toddle after me, zombie fashion. I turn around and run and run and run. They get closer. I feel Gary scrape the flesh on my arms. The baby manages to get my face. They corner me and close in, their rotting, putrid faces grinning and cackling. Then I wake up.
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Dr. Balis:
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How often do you have this dream?
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Ms. Raven:
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Oh about every two months. I wake up screaming.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think the dream means?
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Ms. Raven:
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I think it is me internalizing the guilt that I have about the wreck. They didn't know what the gender of the baby was, but I know, deep down inside somewhere, that it was a little girl. And I could have taken the keys from Gary but I didn't have the guts to. Besides, he had driven home tipsy before, so this time was really nothing different. I would have named her Callista Dominique.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do mind if we discuss this some more in our next session?
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Ms. Raven:
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We certainly can, Doctor Balis.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. How about this same time next Tuesday. That'll be the 25th of February at noon.
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Ms. Raven:
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That sounds fine. I'll see you then.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take care Eliza. Oh, and Eliza?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes?
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Dr. Balis:
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Feel free to call me any time you need me, okay? I'm just a phone call away.
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Ms Raven:
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Very well then. I'm going to go commune with the trees now.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye Eliza.
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Ms. Raven:
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Bye bye Dr. Balis. And thank you.
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Dr. Balis:
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You're quite welcome.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Eliza Raven's Communications
