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Ms. Raven:
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Dr. Balis?
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Dr. Balis:
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Eliza? Hello. You missed our appointment last week.
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Ms. Raven:
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I know, I know. It was a terrible week. I was bogged down at work, there was a threat that I might lose my job, shit like that. But now I'm all caught up, so things are better.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, that's good. How is Luke?
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Ms. Raven:
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I started talking to him again on Wednesday. He came to me and begged me to speak to him again, and he cried. I ignored him until he finished crying, and then I told him that next time he wouldn't get off so easily.
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Dr. Balis:
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How was the rest of your week, aside from work and Luke?
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Ms. Raven:
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I never got to tell you about this experience I had on the astral plane. It was amazing--the best I've had in a long time. Here, I wrote it down. Do you mind if I read it out loud?
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Dr. Balis:
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Go right ahead.
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Ms. Raven:
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Okay. Purples, greens, setting sun. I am the Raven, circling the high skies and soaring on black wing. Below I spot the lone traveler. Upon closer inspection, after I spiral down out of the sky, it is a man, shimmering and beautiful. He looks at me with curiosity filling his shimmering eyes. Cock my head to one side, and hear his heart beating far away in a body that sleeps. He begins to speak, but a feather to his lips, soft and damp, silences him and I think to him: "Follow." Confused, he wants to speak again, but I spiral back up into the frothy clouds. He looks up and searches the sky for me. I fly above and go North. North is the direction for the earth. He starts to chase and I fly low to the ground. Maybe once he tries to catch me, but I jet ahead, mocking his movements. It is a running dance, forever to the North, that we partake in. He is running low on breath. I can sense that he has traveled too far from his dormant body. I spiral the ground, faster and faster, until my bird body catches fire. And as the spiral of fire dances, my form comes out of my ashes, and I have shape-shifted back into my humanoid form. He suddenly stops, as he has caught up, and he pants like a maddened lupine. His hands rest on his knees, and his body is doubled over. I cup his chin in my long hand and he looks into my eyes, instantly afraid and yet courageous. He wants me to stay. He tries to grab my hand and pull me back, but his hand passes through my ethereal body, and he calls out to me. It is too late, for I am once again in the atmosphere, reeling above. I call out once, in Raven's voice, and he waves my farewell. Then I awaken, knowing myself changed and yet the same.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Do you always write down your experiences?
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Ms. Raven:
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Only the ones that seem to make a difference. You should have seen this guy! He was amazing. I wish I knew who he was.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you certain that this was an astral experience and not a dream?
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Ms. Raven:
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Please, Dr. Balis. I know the difference. I sleep at night. This happened on my lunch hour. I meditate and sometimes go astral on my lunch hour. I'm very adept at what I do. Silly man.
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Dr. Balis:
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I didn't mean to offend.
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Ms. Raven:
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No offense taken, Doctor. I don't think that I will ever be able to find that guy again, but I'd like to try. He was beautiful. I'm just afraid Luke will find out about my mini-affair, and get upset with me. I don't need him mad at me again. Hey, guess what else?
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Dr. Balis:
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What?
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Ms. Raven:
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My crying spells have started to taper off a little. I have them maybe every other day now, on average, as opposed to every day.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad to hear that.
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Ms. Raven:
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But I don't know how long they will be like that. I hope they go away completely.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, we can work on that. I spoke with your doctor, and he said that we could start you on the Zoloft.
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Ms. Raven:
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I still don't know, Doctor. Did you speak with my gynecologist? I don't need anything that will interfere with my birth control. I know that you know, now, that it won't interfere with the Percocets, but what about my birth control? Here, this is what I'm taking.
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Dr. Balis:
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Triphasil 28. Okay, I'll take a look at it, and see what we can work out. But I don't think there is going to be any drug interactions with your birth control pills.
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Ms. Raven:
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Sounds like a plan, Doctor. Should we talk about Mother? I know you said something in our last session about wanting to talk more about her.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes.
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, what exactly would you like to know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Why do you feel anger regarding your mother?
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Ms. Raven:
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Please, Doctor. I thought you were a little more observant than that. I've already told you what she did to me and my brother when we were little. And my Daddy. I can't think of a better reason to be angry with a person.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did your father react to your mother leaving?
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Ms. Raven:
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He denied it, at first. "She'll be back soon." He said that every day. I kept telling him that it wasn't so, but he was delusional. After he got over denying it, he pretended she was dead.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did your brother take it?
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Ms. Raven:
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He mourned for her. Nobody was angry but me.
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Dr. Balis:
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How angry were you?
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Ms. Raven:
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I only saw red when it came to my mother. I hated her for a long, long time. It's only recently come to the point where I can be in the same room with her without thinking about killing her.
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Dr. Balis:
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And your brother and father mourned for her?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yeah. The more angry I got, the more tearful they were.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Raven:
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I almost hated them for awhile, too. It was like they had never gotten over the initial shock of her leaving, and I had, and all I had left was anger, or maybe anger that they passed on to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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So you think that you were feeling their anger for them?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yeah, I guess you could put it that way.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why did you take that on yourself?
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, I guess I was the Mommy after she left. I was the caretaker. And Mother had done that with us. If someone had picked on us, she took care of that person. We never really got to work it out for ourselves. So I took on her role, I think. Does that make sense?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, that makes sense, Eliza.
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Ms. Raven:
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Do you think that I'm still carrying around their anger and mine?
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you?
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Ms. Raven:
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I don't want it!
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Dr. Balis:
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Just relax. Take a deep breath, and when you're ready, we can start again.
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Ms. Raven:
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I'm sorry.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's going to be okay. You have a lot of repressed anger and aggression, and that can be difficult to let out.
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Ms. Raven:
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Why did I have to be the angry one?
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think you can answer that question?
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, it wasn't going to be Isaac. Oh, I hated Isaac sometimes, too. He and Daddy had this bond that I couldn't get inside. That's why they live together now. They're best friends and family. I never could have that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Issac had your father as his role model. Was your mother your role model?
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Ms. Raven:
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I guess, I...I guess I wanted to be so much like her and fill her shoes. I lost so much more than a mother when she left.
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Dr. Balis:
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You wanted to emulate your mother and be as important to the family as she was, but she left her position in the household to you before you were ready.
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Ms. Raven:
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Yeah. I was placed on a very lonely, very high pedestal.
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Dr. Balis:
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Who placed you on that pedestal?
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Ms. Raven:
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Daddy and Isaac. I never wanted...
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Dr. Balis:
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You never wanted what?
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Ms. Raven:
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Oh god.
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Dr. Balis:
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Eliza?
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Ms. Raven:
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Oh god. Oh god.
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Dr. Balis:
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What is it, Eliza? What happened?
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Ms. Raven:
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I wanted the pedestal. Because that's what Mommy was on for all of us. I wanted it. Oh god.
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Dr. Balis:
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She was your role model. It's understandable that you wanted what she had.
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Ms. Raven:
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I never knew. I never knew how much I wanted that lonely position.
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Dr. Balis:
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Is it that it's lonely? Did you ever let them know how lonely you felt?
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Ms. Raven:
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Never. I held it in and just felt resentment. Oh sure, part of me enjoyed the hell out of being a princess, but the real side of me--the human side--wanted the affection and attention due to a scared little girl.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think they thought of you as a scared little girl?
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Ms. Raven:
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No. They didn't know that part.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, how could they have known that you needed to be treated like one?
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Ms. Raven:
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They couldn't.
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Dr. Balis:
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So do you think you should be angry with them? If they didn't know what you needed and you never told them, then it wasn't really their fault. Why weren't you honest with them about how you felt?
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Ms. Raven:
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How the hell was I supposed to do that? I was a little girl, for Christ's sake! Just a little girl. And all I knew was that I had to keep it quiet that my Mommy was gone and I was the new mommy. How can a little girl tell someone that she needs some more support? How does a little girl that is trying to be the mommy say, "Hey, I'm scared and I don't know how to do this." How should I have done that? Well?
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Dr. Balis:
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You were too young to be thrust into that role. But it may be that you have misplaced your feelings of anger. Can you explain your anger towards your brother and father?
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Ms. Raven:
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I can't! It's not rational! And I'm not the bad guy here, she is! She's the one who left and left me all alone!
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry, Eliza. I'm sorry to have made you cry.
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Ms. Raven:
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Liar.
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Dr. Balis:
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I had to push the limits.
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Ms. Raven:
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No, you didn't.
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Dr. Balis:
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What would have happened if I hadn't?
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Ms. Raven:
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I don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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Tell me what you think would have happened.
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Ms. Raven:
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We would have never known the truth?
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Dr. Balis:
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I have to push you, Eliza. I know this session was emotionally draining. But I think we got a lot accomplished. Do you think it was productive?
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Ms. Raven:
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Actually, it was.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good, Eliza. I'd like to schedule you for another session. Is this time next week okay with you?
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Ms. Raven:
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Tuesday at noon?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes.
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Ms. Raven:
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I'd like that. But please, don't make me cry again.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, there are no promises, Eliza. We are going to be exploring painful subjects. But there's nothing wrong if you express your emotions during our sessions.
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, I have to go. Farewell, good Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Eliza.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Eliza Raven's Communications
