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Ms. Raven:
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Here you go, Dr. Balis. My most recent gift from Luke. You can have it.
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Dr. Balis:
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What is it?
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Ms. Raven:
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Pick her up. I'm sure you'll like her.
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Dr. Balis:
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Her head fell off!
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Ms. Raven:
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Amazing.
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Dr. Balis:
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Luke gave you this doll?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes, for Mother's Day. Like the little cake she's holding says.
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Dr. Balis:
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For Mother's Day? But you're not...
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Ms. Raven:
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Ah ah ah...not so fast.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm?
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Ms. Raven:
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I might have been, had it not been for the accident.
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Dr. Balis:
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Your miscarriage? I'm sorry, Eliza. But why would Luke give you such a horrible gift for Mother's Day?
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Ms. Raven:
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I believe Camille had something to do with it, too. I think they're trying to hurt me for severing ties.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. So, how was Mother's Day?
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Ms. Raven:
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Honestly? Isaac and I did some stuff for Mom and Calypso. Even if she's not our step-mother yet, we felt it was a good idea to include her in the festivities.
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Dr. Balis:
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That was very nice of you. But I get a feeling that you're avoiding something?
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Ms. Raven:
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I am. After all the Mother's Day bullshit, it really hit me that I'm not a mother, but that I should have been. If it hadn't been for Luke's father, I'd be holding a precious little girl in my arms right now. And she would have been my creation, and my finest one.... I've been battling tears all weekend long.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's okay to cry here, Eliza.
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Ms. Raven:
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It was so long ago, though. And I didn't feel like this last year.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, a lot has changed since last year. You were living with Luke then, right?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yes. And he never gave me anything for Mother's Day last year.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did Luke's gift trigger the emotions in you or did you feel that way already?
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Ms. Raven:
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It started before I got the doll. And then when I got it, I wanted to kill them for their heartless cruelty. It's not a nice thing to rub in my loss like that. That and the fact that next year Camille will have a reason to celebrate Mother's Day and I won't.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you really want to be a mother?
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Ms. Raven:
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I would make a good one!
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry, Eliza. I wasn't questioning your competency as a mother.
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Ms. Raven:
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It's okay, actually. Somebody needed to get the funeral out of the air.
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Dr. Balis:
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Was there a funeral for the baby?
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Ms. Raven:
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It was a fetus, then, I think. I really don't know. It's just really unfair!
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Dr. Balis:
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When you think about the baby, how do you feel?
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Ms. Raven:
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Like a huge chunk is missing from my heart.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Raven:
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It's like this...she was a part of me. A part of what I ate, a part of what I breathed, a part of everything I was going through. She was...she was a little me inside of me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you feel like you lost a part of yourself since she's gone?
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Ms. Raven:
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Yeah, that's right.
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Dr. Balis:
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But you didn't know that she even existed until after the accident.
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Ms. Raven:
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I don't feel that's important. After the doctor told me, all I could feel was this dull pain inside my belly. Like there was something there and then it was gone, before I had a chance to get to know it any better. I think...I like to think that part of me knew that she was there. I remember the months before the accident as a very happy time for me. I was going to graduate. Luke had asked me to move in with him, and he'd also presented me with my first diamond. But there are no other survivors from that wreck--just me. Who else is left to blame for the deaths?
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Dr. Balis:
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Does there have to be blame assigned?
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Ms. Raven:
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I suppose not. I just keep replaying the events in my mind, how I could have changed them.
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Dr. Balis:
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How would you have changed them?
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Ms. Raven:
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I could have taken the keys from Gary and driven the two of us home. I could have walked home. I could have gotten a ride with someone else. I could have made sure that Gary didn't have anything to drink. There are so many things I could have done.
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Dr. Balis:
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But you didn't.
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Ms. Raven:
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And because of my inaction, two lives were lost.
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Dr. Balis:
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No, Eliza. You weren't in control of that situation.
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Ms. Raven:
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But I was the sober one.
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Dr. Balis:
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You were not in control. Can you tell me who was?
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Ms. Raven:
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I guess...I guess...well, nobody was in control.
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Dr. Balis:
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And?
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Ms. Raven:
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There's nobody to blame?
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Dr. Balis:
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I definitely don't think you should blame yourself.
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Ms. Raven:
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Is it still okay to be sad that she's not here with me though?
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course it's okay. Do you feel sad?
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Ms. Raven:
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Well, it's not terrible anymore. But I want to acknowledge that she existed, even if it was only briefly.
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Dr. Balis:
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How do you want to acknowledge it? Spiritually?
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Ms. Raven:
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I can see that. It just might work. I mean, Gary had a funeral, but I don't think that she did. I guess the part I'm saddest about is that there was no permanent ending, if that makes any sense.
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Dr. Balis:
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It does.
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Ms. Raven:
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Okay.
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Dr. Balis:
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What is it, Eliza? What's on your mind?
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Ms. Raven:
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Well...
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Dr. Balis:
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Go ahead.
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Ms. Raven:
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How come you never told me about Peter?
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Dr. Balis:
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Peter, your friend?
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Ms. Raven:
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I think of him as more than that, but you're on the right track...
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean, Eliza?
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Ms. Raven:
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He's your patient. Peter told me so. And he clearly could have benefited from my help as a spiritual advisor.
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Dr. Balis:
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I never discuss my patients.
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Ms. Raven:
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I know that you don't discuss your patients. So you have to promise that you won't tell anything I tell you to Peter.
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course. That's always been true.
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Ms. Raven:
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Terrific.
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Dr. Balis:
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And it goes both ways--my communication with Peter is strictly confidential.
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Ms. Raven:
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That's all right. He's a very honest person. If there is something I need to know, I'm sure he would tell me himself.
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course you are free to talk to Peter about whatever you like.
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Ms. Raven:
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Okay, let's see...Mother's Day; Peter and confidentiality; and, oh yes, honesty...
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Dr. Balis:
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Honesty?
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Ms. Raven:
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I was running through a list of topics I wanted to cover this session.
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Dr. Balis:
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What about honesty, Eliza?
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Ms. Raven:
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I was figuring that you would wish to know why I hadn't been completely straightforward with you.
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Dr. Balis:
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The thought crossed my mind a few times as I read your journal from last week.
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Ms. Raven:
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I didn't want anybody to know.
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Dr. Balis:
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That Luke physically harmed you? Why?
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Ms. Raven:
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Because that would be admitting that I'm weak.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm?
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Ms. Raven:
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I got beat up. I was a weakling--only fit to be smacked around upon a whim. He even let his friends do it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why did he arrange therapy for you?
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Ms. Raven:
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To make it so that I would stop crying.
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Dr. Balis:
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You mean your fits?
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Ms. Raven:
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He couldn't hit me when I was crying. But he wanted to be able to whenever he felt like it--that way he could just smack me around, when he got the urge.
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Dr. Balis:
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He took a very big risk in sending you to therapy. Didn't he realize that we would discuss things that are painful to you?
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Ms. Raven:
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You don't understand. He has very little brains up there. I doubt he saw it from that angle. I know that he believed that he could censor our sessions by threatening you with a lawsuit. I'm sure he had no idea that I would enjoy these sessions so much.
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Dr. Balis:
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When did you decide you wanted to go into therapy?
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Ms. Raven:
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After he threw me down a flight of stairs, breaking my wrist and ankle, and bruising two ribs. I needed to find a way out. Thank you for helping me achieve that goal.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad I was able to help. And thank you for finally telling me the truth.
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Ms. Raven:
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It was time.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. We're out of time for today, Eliza. But I think we had a good session.
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Ms. Raven:
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Out of time so soon?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I'm afraid so. Can I schedule you for next week? Let's see...that would be Tuesday, May 20th at noon? Sounds okay?
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Ms. Raven:
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That sounds great, Doctor Balis. And here's my journal from last week. I think you'll find a few surprises in here, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sometimes it's easier to write things down than to say them out loud. I'll look forward to reading it. And I'll see you next week, Eliza.
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Ms. Raven:
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See you then. Ta-ta.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Eliza Raven's Communications
