| |
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Eliza?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Cut the shit, Doctor B, and just listen. I've had a shitty couple of weeks. I need someone to talk to who is unbiased and will keep me from slicing my wrists right open.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Have a seat.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
What's on your mind?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Mom kicked me out. Peter hates my guts. And I'm on the verge of losing my new job.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Hmm.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Keep the fucking witty comments out of it.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Please continue.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Thanks. Anyhow, Mom kicks me out. After our last session, I come home and all my shit is packed. There are movers outside and they're taking my stuff and putting it onto a van. Of course, I'm curious--I'd like to know what the fuck is going on. Mom is all like, "I can't deal with you any more. Your negativity wears me down. I need you out of my house. Ben and I got you an apartment. You can stay there. You can have two phone lines. You can spend as much of our money as you want. Just get out." My own mother uses the phrase: "Get out." I have never been more hurt in my entire life. It's like she's cut me to the soul. So, of course, I'm bawling as Ben drives me in my car over to my new place. My mother follows in her car to take Ben home. They dump me off and leave me there with the keys to my new apartment. I was crushed. She abandoned me again!
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Sounds like...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Then, I got ahold of Peter to give him my new phone number. I ended up seeing him that night, and it went totally screwy. I was so fucked up from my mom and her ranting that I needed him to comfort me. But there he was telling me that I ruined his hopes and aspirations of ever becoming a higher-being. I tried to make it up by kissing him--no response. Then I touched him. I shouldn't have, but I did. I watched my hand aim for his crotch, grab, and squeeze. And I couldn't stop my hand! I didn't know what was going on. He jumped up and started spouting gibberish about something or other, and everything was cold. I thought my mother's rant hurt; this hurt more. I started bawling, and the first thought that popped in my head was "Run!" So I ran. And he never came after me. He hates me. I've ruined his life.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
I'm sure you haven't ruined his life, Eliza.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Shut up!
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Eliza...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Leave me alone. Just give me the damned tissues.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Here.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
I haven't slept. It feels like two weeks straight I haven't slept. Even my cat hates to be around me--she's run away twice this past week. I ran all over San Francisco screaming at the top of my lungs, "Guinivere!" It was humiliating. Now, my mom calls just to remind me to take my medicine. Her voice is like ice. There's no love in it. And Peter...he hasn't done a damn thing since I left. Ever since that night, I've huddled in the corner of my bed bawling. I haven't started work yet. My friend says not to start until I get everything worked out. Apparently, my mom already blocked Dad's and Calypso's numbers off my phone, or else they don't give a shit either. So I'm trapped in my one room pit of hell slowly dying inside due to marasmus.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Marasmus?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
It's from sociology--death due to lack of love.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Hmm.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
I caught myself thinking about my Xacto knives the other day, but I threw them away. And my razor blade. And my cutlery. Anything sharp went in the trash, or I dulled the blade.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
That was a smart move. It's a good way to remind yourself...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
I know it was smart! You don't have to tell me it was.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Eliza...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Look, just stop it, okay? All I want is one thing from you, then I'm going home. It's hard for me to talk to people right now. All I want to do is vanish, and there's this little voice that gets me through each day telling me that things are going to get better. And I hold on each day, hoping and praying that I'll be strong enough tomorrow to start rebuilding my life.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
What is that one thing that you want me do, Eliza?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
If it's not too much of a bother, call me each day. It doesn't have to be the same time or anything. I just need a friendly voice on the line. Just a five minute call tops--just to make sure I'm alive and okay. I need something to break up the monotony.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Eliza, are you thinking of harming yourself again?
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Yes and no. I have hope now. I just need an extra push from you every once in a while. Please, don't stuff me back in that hospital. I haven't sliced myself. Just help me help myself.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Hmm. Okay, Eliza. I'll go along with it for now, but at the first sign of trouble...
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
I know, it's back to the loony bin for me. I'll be good. I promise.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Okay, Eliza.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Can I go home now?
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
You can go home, if that's what you'd like to do now.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
It's going to be okay, Eliza. We'll work through this. It'll get easier and easier.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
Okay. I'll see you later, Doctor.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
Eliza, please take care of yourself. I worry about you.
|
|
|
|
|
Ms. Raven:
|
|
I'm doing the best I can.
|
|
|
|
|
Dr. Balis:
|
|
And I'll call you tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
###
|
|
Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Eliza Raven's Communications
