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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Doc.
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Dr. Balis:
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How are you this week?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Tired. Real tired. Ralph has finished his first round of chemo, and he's been somewhat difficult.
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Dr. Balis:
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I imagine that's quite stressful.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Not for me, not really. Well, maybe a little--he has been in a bad mood lately, aside from being nauseated most of the time. I tried to make a joke--I told him that this nausea is his morning sickness: he doesn't have cancer, he's just pregnant! But Ralph just got up and ran into the bathroom and hurled his guts out for the tenth time that day. Normally, he would have laughed at a comment like that. But, other than the nausea, he's doing better than I expected. Plus, the doctors took some blood just the other day, and they said the chemo is doing what it's supposed to do. So that's good news.
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Dr. Balis:
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That is good news. What happens next?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, after his body has time to recover from this round of chemo, they will start him on the second round. He doesn't seem fazed by it anymore. He actually put on a few pounds, even with all that hurling. He drinks a lot of that Ensure stuff. Oh yeah. Remember when he kept trying to talk to me but we were rudely interrupted by Edward all the time? Somehow, I think Edward knew what Ralph was planning to do and was trying to stop it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you talking about suicide?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No, not really. Ralph told me that if it gets real bad--if it gets too much for him--then he wants to do it. But that's not what I'm talking about. He told me that he wants me to have the house and everything in it and the cars, too. I was all...I don't want any of it. I want him to get better, to keep his stuff, to stay alive. I don't want him to die. I don't want him to bag on me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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All of a sudden, all these people are coming over to see Ralph. And it's like...it's...well, it scares me. It makes it even more real somehow. Everyone is so concerned for him, and it makes me think that he really is going to die on me. And then what will I do? I don't know if I can handle that right now, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Try not to project too far into the future, Alex. The future will be what it will be. I have a sense that you feel very helpless when it comes to Ralph's sickness. Stay in the now. Remain centered in the present and keep your mind on what's necessary. Don't spend too much time thinking about "what ifs."
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, I know. But lately, it's either the past or the future that's bugging me. One of Ralph's friends brought over some girly magazines for him, only it was the kind with boys instead of girls. It made me remember something that Benny said one time. He suggested that I should do that--I should get into porn.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Benny told me that I have the body to do it. At the time, I thought of it as a complement--I looked good enough to do that, to be on film. But knowing what I know now, knowing that he was taping me while we were...uh, when we were together...I get so angry at him. It made me feel dirty and totally used, like I was an object or something. And then...well, I don't know if I imagining this but I think Benny told me that he did a few movies himself when he was younger. I know he knew a lot of people in that business. When I think of how close I came to getting into that business, I get scared. And then I get all...I get so pissed again! And do you know what his argument was? It was something like this: "Anybody who is remotely self-aware and with even half a brain should be pushing the envelope as far as they can, so long as they aren't hurting someone else." It was an almost convincing argument. This world is so backward, people are so marginal. Everyone is too busy watching TV, or listening to garbage on the radio, or surfing the web. Nothing is real or true anymore. It's all phony, you know? It's all so contrived. That's why pushing the envelope makes so much sense to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand how you could feel that way...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Oh yeah, and another thing. My mom called the other day. She got a visit from the people at social services. It seems that bitch, Mirdle, my cousin's wife, called child protective services on us or something. They showed up at the house last week, asking all these questions about me and where I really live. Lucky for me, my mom is fast on her feet.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did she tell them?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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She explained that Ralph is a close family friend and I take care of him because he's sick. They went away satisfied for now, but I bet we will hear from them again. Mirdle. What kind of a name is that anyway? Can you believe the nerve of that bitch? Now I want to slap her silly, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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That was a close call.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yes, it was too close! I hope that Simon and Mirdle come back for a visit on their way back to Southern California--I want to give her a piece of my mind. I think my mom wants to rip her a new asshole, too. The last thing my mom wants is for me to move back into the house with them. And it's the last thing I want, too. Why do people have to meddle in my life like that? Oh, did I tell you what that cop told me about that dude who died?
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Dr. Balis:
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No. What happened?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, the coroner--or whoever it is that checked him out--decided that there wasn't enough evidence, that it was too circumstantial...basically, there isn't enough concrete evidence to pin his death on Benny and Roly. The guy had a serious fracture to his skull, and that was what killed him.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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So now, I wonder if his head-butting me is what did him in--the fracture was right on his forehead.
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Dr. Balis:
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I guess that's possible. But I don't think you should dwell on that too much. There could be multiple explanations for the fracture which have nothing to do with you. Are they closing the case?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I guess so, I don't know really. But he head-butted me pretty damn hard. Remember? I got knocked out, and I had that big bruise on my forehead that took a long time to heal. Plus, I kept getting those headaches for a week or two afterwards.
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Dr. Balis:
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I remember. I was quite concerned about you. But really, you have other real concerns. There's no reason to add to them. And I'm glad that this may be over.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, I think so. Now if I can just get Benny out of my mind...I'm ready for that to be over too now, you know? The other day, Cami and I went to Baker Beach. I was lying back in the sun, and she was sitting up watching the surf. And then she went, "Would you just look at the scum floating out there?" So I sat up and looked around. And the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Dammit girl, you silly bitch, what are you talking about? I don't see Benny floating around out there!" She nearly died laughing, and so did I. The only thing I can do now is to try to joke about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's a start.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah...well, I guess. So the next thing I knew, Cami took me to see this girl she knows. Her name is Clotilde. She's a real gypsy and does Tarot readings for a living. She did mine for free. Keep in mind that this girl doesn't know me at all. So she laid out the cards on the table, and kind of twirled her hair with her fingers, and told me that this is a good time to start something new. Now, I don't know if I really believe in that stuff, but she was telling me things that really blew me away.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did she tell you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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She said that the thing that is holding me back is this person in my past. A man. She said that this man had good intentions and probably really loved me but he misguided me and unintentionally held me back from my life. She told me the past is over and done and that now is the time to close that book--I should start a new book, with clean white pages. Well, we know who she was talking about, right? Benny.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. How did that make you feel?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, it was a trip, you know? How could those cards tell her something like that? Later, I asked Cami if she told her what to say, but she insisted she didn't. When Clotilde told me those things, I kind of saw it, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Now is the time for me to try to close this part of my life, once and for all.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I think it's a really good idea, but the big question is how? I had a dream with Benny in it again that very night. He just showed up and was scruffy looking, unshaven. But he had this smile on his face that could melt the hardest heart. I don't know. I know it's not over, but somehow I felt better. It was like Clotilde gave me permission to move on with my life or something. Do you know what I mean?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I do.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But...
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Dr. Balis:
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What?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Uh, I don't know. I guess it's easier said than done. He was the whole world to me. And then one day, all of a sudden, he just stopped being there for me. And I don't think I'll ever really understand what happened. And I tried so hard to make him change his mind. I guess you can't really make someone do something they don't want to do.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's true.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He never told me why...maybe it's not really about understanding. Maybe it's just about moving on.
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Dr. Balis:
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Maybe.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah. That's just what Cami said, too. So now I have to get to a point where it's okay if I don't understand. Does that make any sense?
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Dr. Balis:
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It makes sense, Alex. Trust your instincts.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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So I just have to go with whatever happens in my heart and mind?
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you should try to follow your heart...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I won't say it's over just yet. I don't want to jinx myself. Tony seems to be good at putting the past behind him. I should talk to him about how he did it. I haven't seen him since that scary drag queen scene with what's-her-name. I wonder what kind of trouble he's gotten himself into? You know, I think I'll stop by his place on my way home. We're pretty much done here for today, aren't we?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, we are out of time. So, I'll see you next week, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay. Talk to you later, man.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Alex. Take care.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
