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Dr. Balis:
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Hello Sarah. How have you been this week?
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Ms. Wright:
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Not too bad, I guess. No worse than usual so I'm thankful for that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Is there anything particular you'd like to talk about today?
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Ms. Wright:
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I had another strange dream the other night. This one really hit me hard. I was in a bedroom...I didn't recognize the room. It was dark, except for the moonlight coming through a small window, and there were sheer drapes surrounding the bed. There was a breeze blowing the drapes all around. I couldn't see who was in the bed but I felt I knew this person. I walked over to the bed and drew the drapes to the side and Robby was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed.
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Dr. Balis:
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Was that the end of the dream?
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Ms. Wright:
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No. Suddenly we were making love. It was wonderful! I kept thinking, "Finally I'm with the man I love." When we were finished making love, Robby slapped me across the face and dragged me by my hair over to a mirror. He held me in front of this mirror and said, "There, are you happy now?" He was so angry! I was afraid he would really hurt me!
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Dr. Balis:
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Did Robby ever abuse you when you were dating?
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Ms. Wright:
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No, that's why I was so surprised. He let go of me and when I turned around Robby was back on the bed, this time making love to 5 or 6 different men. They all looked at me and laughed. I started crying and screaming at Robby to stop, but he just kept laughing. When I woke up, I was still crying.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think the dream means?
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Ms. Wright:
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I'm not sure. I've been thinking about the first time Robby and I made love. Maybe that's where the dream came from?
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Dr. Balis:
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There's some similarity between the dream and the first time you and Robby had sex?
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Ms. Wright:
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Well, that's not what happened, but it was just as embarassing.
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Dr. Balis:
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In what way?
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Ms. Wright:
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It was time for my Senior Prom and I wanted Robby to take me. He didn't want to go--said it was childish--so we compromised. He agreed to take me to some of the after parties. At the first party we stopped at, Robby proceded to get extremely drunk. I never saw him drink so much and I got really pissed! This was suppose to me my night and Robby was such an ass. He was flirting with every girl at this party and trying to set up dates with them for the following weekend! Of course they all knew that Robby and I were dating so they just laughed him off, but I was embarassed.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I can see how that would be embarassing. What happened then?
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Ms. Wright:
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When I finally dragged him out of there, I decided to just take him home. By this time I was so angry I didn't care if I ever saw him again! I got him home and helped him up the stairs to his bedroom. He was only semi-drunk by this time and I had cooled off somewhat. As we sat on the edge of the bed, Robby put his arms around me and started kissing me. We had been in some pretty steamy embraces before that, but Robby never let it get too far. This time the limits were off! I knew we would make love that night. We rolled around on the bed for quite some time and when Robby decided it was time--that's what he told me, "It's time"--I held my breath and waited for the pain I thought would come with losing my virginity. Not knowing what exactly to expect, I was sadly disappointed to realize Robby didn't have an erection. He tried and tried to enter me but nothing worked, all the while he grumbled and mumbled under his breath. I thought he was probably just too drunk to get it up and I finally said, "Let's just wait for another time." But he was determined.
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Dr. Balis:
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Had you changed your mind? Did he try to take you by force?
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Ms. Wright:
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No, it wasn't anything like that! I just thought both of us would be better prepared if we waited but, since he seemed so anxious, I went along with what he wanted. He asked me to perform oral sex on him and I did; it seemed to work, so then Robby said, "it's time" again, but this time he asked me to roll over on my stomach. A million thoughts were going through my head, but I complied. This time he got it right, but he was like an animal, almost savage, and when it was over I was relieved. It wasn't what I had expected or hoped for and I wasn't sure I wanted to have a repeat performance.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did you do after that?
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Ms. Wright:
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I left Robby sleeping in his bed and went home. I laid awake all that night thinking about what happened. I was sure it was the alcohol that had made him act so strangely, so I tried to put it out of my head and hoped that the next time would be better.
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Dr. Balis:
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Was there a next time?
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Ms. Wright:
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Yes and it was the last time too. It was about a month later on a Friday night and Robby and I were sitting at his place watching some old black and white movie on TV. During a commercial Robby jumps up and says, "I just remembered something a friend gave me," and he ran upstairs. I didn't think too much of it but when he came back down he had a video tape in his hand. I asked what it was and he told me it was a boot-leg copy of some adult erotica movie. Being the naive person that I was I said, "Well, let's see what it is." I had never seen an X-rated movie before, so I was kind of in shock when I saw what it was. I just remember one woman having sex with two men, then another woman came in and all four of them were going at each other. First the women started kissing and touching each other, then the two guys started doing the same. When the one guy took the other guy into his mouth, that's when I said, "Turn it off!"
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Dr. Balis:
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What did Robby do? Did he turn it off?
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Ms. Wright:
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He just laughed but he did turn it off after another 10 or 15 minutes. I got up and went into the kitchen; I just couldn't stand to watch such garbage. It was starting to get late by this time and I told Robby I had to get home. I leaned over to kiss him good night and he pulled me down on his lap. That's when I noticed he had an erection. He said, "You don't want to leave me like this, do you?" and he took my hand and put it on his crotch. Within a few minutes we both had our clothes off and were making out on the sofa. He picked me up and carried me upstairs to his bedroom. By this time I was really aroused and thought it was very romantic that he carried me to the bed. I was in love with him and I thought, finally, we were taking our relationship to the next level. I thought it was unusual that he asked me again to roll over on my stomach, but I figured it shouldn't make any difference, so I did. This time he went slow and gentle, at least in the beginning. Toward the end he got a little rough, but it was after he had finished that I got worried.
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened?
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Ms. Wright:
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He laid there on top of me for a few minutes catching his breath, then he said, "Oh my God," and ran into the bathroom and started vomiting. Of course I'm laying there thinking, "What is going on?" I wrapped a sheet around me and went to the bathroom door to see if he was all right. He wouldn't answer me, so I threatened to kick the door down if he didn't unlock it and let me in. I heard water running and finally he opened the door. He looked awful. His face was pale and his hair was a mess. I put my hand to his forehead to see if perhaps he had a fever. He felt kind of clammy and I suggested he get back in bed, to which he agreed. I figured he was getting some flu bug or something and I didn't want to get it, so I tucked him in bed, kissed him on the check, and went home. I didn't hear from him the rest of the weekend. I tried calling but never got an answer. I was starting to get worried when he finally called me Sunday evening. He confirmed my suspicions and said he thought he had gotten food poisoning or something. We made a date for the following weekend, but he didn't keep the date.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why didn't he keep the date?
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Ms. Wright:
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Wednesday of that week he called and said he was going away to school. I was surprised since it was the first time he had mentioned anything about going to school. He told me he needed to go to the campus that weekend to register and find a place to live. Within three weeks he was gone. And I was pregnant. As they say, "And the rest is history!"
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Dr. Balis:
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Looking back, what are your feelings on what happened?
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Ms. Wright:
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Although I never wanted to admit it, I suppose Robby was struggling with his sexuality all along. I think he used me as a test of some sort. Obviously making love to me made him physically ill, so he went with his gut instinct and ran off to be free of me and find a life more suited to his real inclinations.
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Dr. Balis:
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What were the circumstances when Robby actually told you of his homosexuality?
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Ms. Wright:
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Well, like I told you before, at one point while I was working for him, I felt I was falling in love with him again...not again really because I never really stopped loving him. The feelings I had for him began to surface again. We were getting along so well and it felt so right to be with him. I convinced myself that what I had witnessed years earlier between him and his roommate was all just my imagination. It was his birthday and I took him out for lunch. He didn't have any patients scheduled for the afternoon, so after lunch we went back to his house and had a few beers to celebrate. We were just a little tipsy, at least I was--not drunk or anything, but I decided this was the best time to tell him how I was feeling. I barely got a word out of mouth when Robby said, "Sarah, as much as I care for you, you have to know a relationship between us won't work." I immediately thought it was because I was married to his former best friend and I started rattling on about not hurting Jeff, but that after all these years we deserved to have a life together.
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Dr. Balis:
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That wasn't what he meant?
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Ms. Wright:
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No. He took my face in his heads and looked me right in the eye and said, "No Sarah, this had nothing to do with Jeff. I'm gay." I thought he was lying just to get rid of me and I told him so, but he started telling me how his life had been since he realized he was gay. He told me that when his other friends started noticing the girls, he started to notice the boys. He told me a lot of things that afternoon and, when he was finished, I was convinced. No one could make up the pain and torrment that he had been through. We both cried.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did it make you feel to finally realize Robby was gay?
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Ms. Wright:
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That's a hard question. Perhaps we could save that until next week? I'm very tired right now.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes that's fine. Same time next week? That'll be October 21st at 2 pm.
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Ms. Wright:
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I'll be here. Goodbye Dr. B.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye Sarah.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Sarah Wright's Communications
