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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Anna. How are you this week?
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Ms. Green:
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Hello, Doctor Balis. I'm all right, thank you.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good, good. Please, sit down.
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Ms. Green:
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Oh, I think I'll stand for a while, if you don't mind. You have such a nice view out of this window, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, it's very nice. Is everything all right? Are you hurt?
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Ms. Green:
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What?
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Dr. Balis:
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The last time you wouldn't sit was right after the incident with Gray, the whipmaster.
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Ms. Green:
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Oh, god. You have a very good memory.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's not the kind of thing I'm likely to forget.
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Ms. Green:
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I guess not. I was really sore, wasn't I?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yeah.
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Ms. Green:
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But no. This time no one has touched by butt, with a whip or with a paddle, in quite some time. You don't have to worry, Doctor, I'm quite all right. I just wanted to stand for a while. But if this makes you uncomfortable, I'll sit.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's up to you. I just wanted to make sure that...
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Ms. Green:
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Thanks. It's nice to be worried over sometimes.
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Dr. Balis:
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So how is the new place working out for you?
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Ms. Green:
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It's quite nice. Lot's of room. Pretty.
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Dr. Balis:
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But?
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Ms. Green:
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No, there are no buts really.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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It's just that...it's just silly.
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Dr. Balis:
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What is so silly?
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Ms. Green:
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I'm just in a bad mood or something. I get totally irritated at the stupidest things. And it's not even my period.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can you describe what makes you so irritable?
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Ms. Green:
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Well, I was walking down the hall and there were these pictures standing in nice frames on a little table in the corner. It was a perfectly good table and very nice pictures.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, and?
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Ms. Green:
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I just couldn't stand them being there. I was so angry at them being there--for no good reason--that I had to grab them all and shove them into the drawer.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did that make you feel better?
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Ms. Green:
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For the moment it did. But then later at SII, I felt so guilty for doing it that I left work early so I could put them back out on the table.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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It was completely irrational. And there are tons of things like that. I had to get rid off all the stupid junk that Eleanor--the Professor's wife--spreads out in their bathroom. There were creams, and douches, and nail polish, and thousands of different types of makeup. I hope when I get old, I don't become addicted to all that beauty stuff like that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Are you angry at Eleanor for leaving her personal hygiene objects and cosmetics in her bathroom?
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Ms. Green:
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Well, it's my bathroom now. I have to live there. And there is all this stuff. It's everywhere. Everytime I sit down to read, there are things around me reminding me that this is not mine. Nothing is mine. I can't cook in that kitchen--all the stuff is in the wrong place.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can you rearrange some things in the house to make it more to your liking?
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Ms. Green:
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Somehow I feel guilty doing that. I moved one chair in the bedroom closer to the window so I can read in a natural light and just generally be more comfortable. But there is this large square area on the carpet where the chair used to be, and it's making me unhappy. Stupid, right? So each time I finish reading, I move the chair back to it's normal position. And it's like that with everything. It's just not my home. It doesn't feel mine.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's true that a house and its contents reflect the personality of its owners. But while you live there, you can certainly try to make the place more to your liking. Take all the toiletries from the bathroom, put them in the box, and move them to the garage. When the Professor and his wife come back, you can put them all back. You can do the same in the kitchen. Do you have your own utensils?
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Ms. Green:
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Sure. They are in the box in the garage.
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Dr. Balis:
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Pull them out. Six months...
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Ms. Green:
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It's eight months. They are staying to travel through Europe for a couple of months after the semester ends.
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Dr. Balis:
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Eight months is a long time. Make yourself comfortable, make the place as much your own as you can.
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Ms. Green:
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I guess. I feel silly walking around hating the stupid coffee maker that they have.
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Dr. Balis:
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It is silly, especially when you can use yours.
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Ms. Green:
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Yeah.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you had anyone over for dinner yet?
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Ms. Green:
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No.
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Dr. Balis:
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Perhaps you should. It will give you a chance to feel like a hostess.
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Ms. Green:
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When are you available, Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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I was thinking of your parents. I think they would like that.
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Ms. Green:
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Hmm. I guess I can do that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. And keep the chair by the window where you like it. Eight months of moving it back and forth on the carpet will not improve it or the carpet.
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Ms. Green:
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Right. Thank you, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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For what?
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Ms. Green:
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For giving me permission, I guess.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sure. So how was the rest of your week?
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Ms. Green:
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Somehow I feel so alone. Remember I told you how I used to talk to Bill in my head after we broke up?
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Dr. Balis:
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You said that you had continuous imaginary conversations with him where he was telling you just how sorry he was that you were gone.
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Ms. Green:
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Well, it wasn't all about that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you having the same type of conversations with Martin?
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Ms. Green:
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No. I had those conversations while I still lived in the apartment. I guess I said all I had to say to him and I no longer need to keep that connection going.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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But I find myself talking to Kathy a lot. The first time it happened, the first time I caught myself doing it, I just freaked out. Why would I want to talk to her? She made my life so miserable. But there I was discussing the value of friendship with her, as if she really knows what it means.
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Dr. Balis:
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She was your friend for a long time. I think this might be your way of putting closure on that relationship.
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Ms. Green:
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Maybe.
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Dr. Balis:
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What is the tone of these conversations?
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Ms. Green:
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Tone?
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you confronting her? Are you trying to explain to her your feelings?
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Ms. Green:
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I guess it might be a bit of both. There was a point when I relied on her for support. I looked up to her, and I learned from her. And I never really realized the emptiness that was created when we became competitors for Martin's affections. Well, emptiness might not be the right word. I had so many emotions and feelings surging through me at the same time then--emptiness is just not the right description.
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Dr. Balis:
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Go on.
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Ms. Green:
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It's like I couldn't unload my feelings somehow. I talked with Martin about how I felt, and I had conversations with Caren and Greg. But that didn't feel like I was letting go. It was always very well edited and filtered to fit my audience, and it never resulted in the emotional release I guess I was seeking from those interactions.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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I don't really know what I'm talking about, Doctor. I'm just making it up as I go along. I never really analyzed all of this.
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Dr. Balis:
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You're doing fine. It sounds like you miss having a good friend.
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Ms. Green:
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Yeah. I feel like I have multiple personalities. Everyone gets a certain facet of me, but no one really knows the totality. God, it sounds too pretensious, don't you think? I'm beginning to feel too full of myself. Let's just stop now, Doctor, before I run away with myself. Okay?
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Dr. Balis:
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I thought you were doing very well.
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Ms. Green:
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Well, as long as you are happy, Doctor. But seriously, I've got to get going. I'll see you next week.
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Dr. Balis:
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All right. Our time is just about up anyway. Have a good week, Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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Thank you. Goodbye.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
