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Ms. Green:
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Hello, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Anna. You look much better today. How are you feeling?
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Ms. Green:
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Better. I followed your advice and went home for the weekend. Funny, it's been years since I lived with my parents and I still call visiting them "going home."
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Dr. Balis:
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That's where you grew up; you spent most of your life there. It would be more unusual if you didn't feel at home there at least on some level.
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Ms. Green:
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Yes, I feel fortunate. Some people don't have that. Kathy doesn't. Her mother died when she was still a little girl. And after her father remarried, she never felt that sense of being home in his house. I feel sorry for her. I would hate to be so utterly alone in the world. Sometimes, I imagine what it will be like when my parents die--it will happen some day.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's unfortunate, but true.
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Ms. Green:
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My stomach turns cold, like there is a large piece of ice in there. I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. At those times, I have to remind myself that they are still alive and everything is okay and I don't have to worry. But I know it's looming somewhere out there on the time horizon. I hope it's way far out.
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Dr. Balis:
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I hope so too. Did you have a good weekend with your parents?
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Ms. Green:
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It was a bit strange.
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Dr. Balis:
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How so?
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Ms. Green:
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They were very concerned about my injuries. I had told them about the car accident on the phone. But my mom really freaked when she saw me.
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Dr. Balis:
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You were wearing your neck brace?
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Ms. Green:
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No, I wasn't. But the thing on my forehead is still visible and it was worse when I went up there. Plus I was taking all these pain killers...
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Dr. Balis:
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You didn't tell me that before. What were you taking?
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Ms. Green:
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Vicodins--they were prescribed to me by the doctor in the emergency room. I've been taking them for almost three weeks now, although not as much now as before. That stuff was really making me stoned. I felt so edgy and I couldn't sleep. And it was very hard getting my work done. But they did take the edge off the pain. But it was strange, really--what the drugs seemed to do was make me forget about my neck, but as soon as I thought about the pain, it hurt as much as before. It's like it stopped me from concentrating on the pain, rather than actually getting rid of it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Usually Vicodin would make you drowsy, but I've heard of patients who couldn't sleep. Vicodin is a narcotic and I don't think it's a very good one. I'm against prescribing it to patients with pain problems. Although it is a Category 3 narcotic, doctors like to precribe it because it is a dysphoric--it makes you feel bad, so its potential for abuse is somewhat lower than some Category 2 narcotics like Percocet. That's the depression and edginess you said you were experiencing. Your dejected mood of the past week could easily be explained by the fact that you've been taking this medication. You said that you are still taking it but less so than before?
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Ms. Green:
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Maybe only one pill in the evening--it's still very uncomfortable after a full day of moving around. Mostly, it's the headaches from the pain in the neck. My neck gets very stiff after a while and that translates into a headache by the end of the day.
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Dr. Balis:
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Taking one pill is not so bad, though I wish you'd try to stick to over-the-counter medications like ibuprofen. Do you feel that the depression you were experiencing last week is getting better?
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Ms. Green:
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The world does seem a bit brighter. Last week, it felt like someone just hit me with a load of bricks, psychologically speaking. I still feel very uncomfortable about my S&M night, but I no longer think that people can tell what I did just by looking at me--people on the streets are just rude bastards again, and not out to dominate me by refusing me the right of way and pushing me off the edge of the sidewalks. That whole thing was just a bit paranoid of me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad you've been able to gain some perspective.
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Ms. Green:
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But I'm still horrified that I found that experience pleasurable on any level.
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Dr. Balis:
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Try to sort out exactly what aspects of that night were exciting to you. As we talked about it last week, the actual pain that you felt from the whip didn't turn you on at all.
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Ms. Green:
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I know. It was more about being helpless--being tied down and not in a position to help myself. I thought a lot about that night, reliving it in my head over and over again. When I fell asleep, I'd have dreams about it. In the dreams, my dominant partner is this gigantic figure towering over me. His breathing is like a hot wind on my back. I long to move--my whole body trembles with excitement--but the restraints on my legs and wrists keep me firmly in place. Only my hips can sort of sway back and forth. The closer my top comes to me, the more excited I feel.
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Dr. Balis:
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Is Gray the dominant man in your dreams?
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Ms. Green:
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I actually don't know who it was. In the dream, I have a blindfold with just a tiny slit though which I can see shadows of the figure behind me on the wall. But it's definitely that attic dungeon in Gray's house. The dreams are very intense and very real.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you experience orgasms during these dreams?
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Ms. Green:
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Sort of.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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I get almost unbearably aroused during the dream and desperately want to have an orgasm, but my top won't let me.
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Dr. Balis:
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How does he stop you?
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Ms. Green:
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He hits me and everything just goes away until he builds it up again. This happens over and over again. In the dream, I practically beg him to let me come. But...this all makes me feel very perverse.
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Dr. Balis:
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These are just fantasies.
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Ms. Green:
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Well, I did try it out for real. I told Kathy about the dreams. She thought they were very sexy. She even made me a bit uncomfortable about telling her.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why?
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Ms. Green:
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Kathy went with me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Went where? To your parents?
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Ms. Green:
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She drove me there and spent the weekend with me. My parents didn't mind having an extra guest. And I have a queen size bed in my room, so there wasn't a problem with sleeping arrangements.
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Dr. Balis:
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You and Kathy shared a bed?
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Ms. Green:
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Sure. It felt sort of like pajama party--when I was little, I would have these all-girl overnight parties. We'd talk about boys and some such stuff. I learned about periods that way.
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Dr. Balis:
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Menstruation?
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Ms. Green:
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One girl got hers very early, and we all talked about the unfairness of evolution and biology for being stuck with such an unpleasant thing for most of our lives.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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Actually, I don't think you do. You never had one. They are really very unpleasant, to say the least.
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Dr. Balis:
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I have to say that I've never suffered from menstruation envy. So how did Kathy make you feel uncomfortable?
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Ms. Green:
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It was late at night, we were both lying in my bed, and I was telling her about my dreams. She was very supportive and told me that she didn't think I was a bad person for having them. Then she said that she thought the dreams were very exciting.
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Dr. Balis:
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And that made you feel uncomfortable?
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Ms. Green:
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A little...
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Dr. Balis:
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It's always exciting to hear other people's fantasies...
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Ms. Green:
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You don't understand, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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What?
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Ms. Green:
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She opened up the covers, lifted up her t-shirt and pulled down her panties and...I never seen a woman do that before. I mean, I do it, but...I felt very uncomfortable.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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Oh, I wanted to tell you that I did get my answering service back.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. And do you answer the phone now when it rings?
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Ms. Green:
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Not all the time. But I do listen to my messages. Martin's been calling relentlessly. I wish he'd just leave me alone. That part is the worst of all. I have so many mixed emotions--I cheated on him, and yet he pushed me to do it. It's all very confusing and very difficult to sort through, especially stoned on pain killers.
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Dr. Balis:
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We can work on that here.
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Ms. Green:
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I know. And thank you for telling me what you did last time. I can't tell you just how much it meant to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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It was all true. But I wish we would stay away from that topic for obvious reasons.
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Ms. Green:
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I know. I just...look what time it is. I'll see you next week, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Next week, then. Have a good weekend, Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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You too, Doctor. Goodbye.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Anna.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
