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Ms. Green:
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Hello, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Anna. How are you feeling? How's the healing process going?
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Ms. Green:
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Fine.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see you're no longer wearing the neck brace and your forehead is looking much much better.
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Ms. Green:
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Yes.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. How are the bruises on your back?
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Ms. Green:
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Fine.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Did you speak with Martin last week?
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Ms. Green:
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No.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did he try to contact you?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean? Did he try to call you or not?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did he leave messages on your machine?
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Ms. Green:
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I canceled my answering service.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. May I ask why you did that?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't want to talk to people.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Do you answer the phone if someone calls while you're at home?
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Ms. Green:
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No. If I need to speak with someone, I can call them myself.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. So if I need to reach you, for example, I'm simply out of luck?
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Ms. Green:
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I guess so.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Well, these are some drastic changes in your life style. Can you tell me what motivated you to become a hermit?
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Ms. Green:
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I just don't want to talk to anyone now.
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Dr. Balis:
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You're talking to me. Barely, actually.
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Ms. Green:
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I just feel so...so ashamed of myself.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why? What happened to you, Anna?
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Ms. Green:
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You know. You know everything, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you feeling bad about your S&M encounter?
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Ms. Green:
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I feel like I've been branded for life!
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Dr. Balis:
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The bruises on your back will go away and in a few weeks you wouldn't even be able to tell that there was anything there. What happened, Anna? When you left here last week, you felt hurt but mostly you felt anger toward Martin for placing you in a bad situation. But now you're barely speaking in full sentences. Did something happened that I don't know about?
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Ms. Green:
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Oh god, I was angry. I was very angry at Martin. He changed me. And I don't like the person that I've become. But as that anger faded, I felt like I was coming out of this fog that was clouding my brain, my judgment. What right do I have to be angry with Martin? He didn't do anything. He just told me about his perversions and I listened. And then I was the one that went out and actively sought them out and tried to experience them. And what's more, I liked it. Now, I'm the kind of woman that likes being beaten and forced into having sex with a man she barely knows.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hold on, Anna. You wanted to experience something before doing it to your lover. Now you know. That's all.
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Ms. Green:
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But I liked it. Don't you see, Doctor? I'm the kind of person that likes that sort of thing.
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Dr. Balis:
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What I remember from our last session is that you thought that it really hurt to get whipped. My impression was that you didn't enjoy that part of the evening at all. Don't you remember?
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Ms. Green:
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But I let him do it to me. And afterwards I even thanked him for his time and attention.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's part of the S&M ritual, that's all. You were doing what you thought was expected of you, right?
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Ms. Green:
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Yes. But I was turned on. I wanted to suck him off before Gray asked...commanded me to do it.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you were mostly turned on by the helplessness of your situation--your arms tied above your head and your legs spread eagle and tied to the rings in the floor. There are a lot of women who find that sexually stimulating.
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Ms. Green:
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There are women who find beating to be sexually stimulating, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes. But I don't think you're one of them.
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Ms. Green:
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How do you know? You weren't there.
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Dr. Balis:
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You described the encounter in some detail to me, Anna. And I've also developed a pretty good idea of who you are as a person over the last ten months of therapy. So let's talk about what's really bothering you. You said that you felt shame. Tell me specifically when and why you feel this way.
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Ms. Green:
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Almost all the time. I walk around SII and I feel like everyone can tell.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can tell what?
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Ms. Green:
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Can tell that I'm this inferior creature.
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Dr. Balis:
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Inferior in what way?
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Ms. Green:
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I like...I want and need to be dominated by a man. I need to be submissive. I can't respond to other people as equals.
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course you can. You did so all your life. That hasn't changed just because you participated in what was really a role-playing situation for you. It was just role-playing for you, remember? You said yourself that it was more about pretending and fantasy then anything else. Remember? I'm just repeating your own words.
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Ms. Green:
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I remember. But that was before, when it was all just speculation. Now, things are different.
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Dr. Balis:
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How are they different?
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Ms. Green:
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It's not just talk any more.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you planning on doing this again?
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Ms. Green:
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I...I don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you want to do this again?
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Ms. Green:
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What if I can't help it?
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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What if I can't help doing it again and again? What if I'm really a bottom and just didn't know it before?
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think you're a bottom?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know. But when I walk down the street, people look at me differently now.
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Dr. Balis:
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How do they look at you?
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Ms. Green:
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They can see that I'm inferior. They look down on me. I have to move out of people's way as I walk.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm?
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Ms. Green:
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I never have the right-of-way anymore.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's silly, Anna. There are some very rude people on the streets Downtown especially during rush hour. But their behavior is not about you. It's about them and who they are. Did something in particular happened to you that sparked this feeling of inferiority?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know. I just woke up one morning and couldn't bare to look at myself anymore. I felt dirty, disgusting. It felt gross just to touch my own skin. I got into the shower and stood there for about two hours. It was all right under the water somehow. But as soon as I got out, that feeling of being contaminated was back.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you feel this way now?
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Ms. Green:
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Yes. It makes my hair stand on end. It doesn't even go away at night when I sleep.
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Dr. Balis:
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What happens when you sleep?
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Ms. Green:
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I have these dreams.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you remember any of them?
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Ms. Green:
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Not all of them. But I know they were bad, even if I don't remember them after waking.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can you tell me a dream that you remember?
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Ms. Green:
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There was this dream I had just before I got up this morning. I'm not sure if it was responsible for waking me up, but...
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Dr. Balis:
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What was is it about?
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Ms. Green:
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It was very short. The dream started with my mother and me looking down at the blood left on the cutting board after the butchering of the dinner meat. My mother and I made dinner together, but it was my mother that cooked the meat that night. By the time the dream started, we had already had our dinner. Somehow, I knew all this information--it wasn't really part of the imagery of the dream. What I saw in the dream was the raw blood itself on the cutting board. My mother was leaning next to me. I could feel her presence near me more then I could actually see her. All I saw was the blood.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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That's not the bad part. In the blood, we could clearly see these things moving around. They were shaped like tiny black sperms and wiggled through the blood like sperm. They were parasites.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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No. My mother made the meat rare--these things were alive inside the meat when we ate it!
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh.
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Ms. Green:
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It was a very short dream--just images of the blood on the board with these things in it, the feeling of mother's head close to mine, and the shared knowledge that we ate contaminated meat for dinner.
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Dr. Balis:
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You said that you awoke right after this dream. How often do these dreams wake you up?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know. But I've been sleeping very poorly the last couple of weeks, although I didn't start having these dreams until this past weekend.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you need to get some rest, Anna. You had a very stressful couple of weeks--the S&M night, the break-up with Martin, the car accident, the physical traumas. You need to get some rest. I think you'll be able to look at your situation from a whole different perspective once you get the sleep your body so desperately needs. Do you still have some of that melatonin left? It really worked well for you in the past.
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Ms. Green:
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Yes, I think I still have some.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take some when you get home tonight. And if you can, call in sick tomorrow--I want you to get some rest. Maybe you should consider driving up to see your parents over the weekend. That always seems to help. What do you think?
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Ms. Green:
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My car is still in the shop.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can you rent one?
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Ms. Green:
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I guess so. Maybe you're right. I should go and visit my mom and dad.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. And call me if you feel like things are getting out of control. Don't wait so long next time, okay?
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Ms. Green:
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Thank you, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay then, I'll see you next week.
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Ms. Green:
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Goodbye, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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And Anna, get your answering service back, please.
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Ms. Green:
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I'll think about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. Goodbye then. Have a good weekend with your parents. Relax and get some sleep--doctor's orders.
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Ms. Green:
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Mmm.
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Dr. Balis:
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Anna, I know that I'm your Doctor. But we also have this other bond between us, a bond which we've both worked hard to suppress so that I could keep being your therapist. And it has to stay that way. But I want you to understand something. I think of you as really something very amazingly special and in no way inferior. And even if you decide that you are sexually attracted towards some aspects of S&M, it won't change my opinion at all.
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Ms. Green:
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Oh Doctor!
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Dr. Balis:
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I'll see you next week, Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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Thank you, Doctor.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
