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Ms. Green:
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Hello, Doctor Balis.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Anna. Sorry you were too sick to come in last week. What was wrong with you?
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Ms. Green:
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I had a couple of bad nights in a row and just...I needed to sleep.
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Dr. Balis:
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So you weren't sick?
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Ms. Green:
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I didn't feel well.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why did you have bad nights? Are you having trouble sleeping?
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Ms. Green:
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Sort of. Kathy pulled one of her trips again--she didn't come home for over twenty-four hours, and I freaked. Before when she pulled this, I told her that I needed to know...she needs to call me if she's going to stay out all night. I spent all night watching bad TV and thinking of horrible rape scenarios.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Did Kathy tell you where she was?
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Ms. Green:
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She said it was work, but I don't buy it. She never does a session longer than a couple of hours. It's tiring to dominate someone for so long--her arm gets tired, and her feet swell from wearing those spikes.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think she was doing?
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Ms. Green:
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I don't know. I have these images of drugs and torture.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think she's doing drugs?
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Ms. Green:
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Other than pot, I never caught her...well, I haven't seen her do anything lately. When she comes home from these outings, she is not drugged. She's not normal, but she's not drugged.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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There's a different feeling after being dominated than there is after topping someone else. It's like a different emotional or even physical state. Now I know how Kathy is after one of her dominatrix's sessions. But after she comes back from being out all night, it's different. It's like she's in bottom space--I think that's the terminology.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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I guess I felt it after my session with Gray. It's a very strange set of emotions. It was as if I hated myself and at the same time loved how I felt. I'm not sure I'm expressing it well.
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Dr. Balis:
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You're doing fine. Go on.
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Ms. Green:
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It wasn't exactly like hate. There was a sense of embarrassment, maybe shame or degredation, and something else. In any case, I sensed that Kathy was more like that when she came home yesterday morning.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yesterday?
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Ms. Green:
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Yeah. She's done this several times now.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Well, perhaps Kathy found a new relationship where she gets to be the bottom. You told me before that she prefers being a submissive.
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Ms. Green:
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Yeah, she's more an M than an S. Perhaps. But I wish she would just come out and tell me. We had a big fight again. I said that it was unacceptable behavior--because of her, I didn't sleep and now I feel totally trashed.
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Dr. Balis:
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And?
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Ms. Green:
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And Kathy agreed, and I know she'll do it again. That was her fourth time.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Let's move on from Kathy for a moment. Tell me about your last two weeks.
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Ms. Green:
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Well, Kathy is prominently featured in my life. I don't know how to edit her out.
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Dr. Balis:
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Don't. I just meant let's move on from Kathy's night wanderings--I'm concerned that it's not getting us anywhere.
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Ms. Green:
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All right.
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Dr. Balis:
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Last time, I got an impression that you had a plan for fulfilling your S&M fantasies. Would you tell me about that?
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Ms. Green:
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That didn't work out like I thought it would.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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Well, I went over to one of the parties. I thought I could find a partner there. Or actually, at first, I was just looking for a one time thing and no sex.
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Dr. Balis:
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You just wanted to experience bottom space again?
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Ms. Green:
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Yeah. I figured I can manage my own sexual satisfaction for a while. But I wanted to feel that thrill...
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Dr. Balis:
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Like you did with Gray?
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Ms. Green:
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Yes.
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Dr. Balis:
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You told me that Kathy did a few sessions with you where she was the dominant one. Was that different?
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Ms. Green:
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I never felt anything even similar to what I felt with Gray. I guess I never thought that Kathy had any real power over me. That was more role playing, I think. I never got that certain something during my sessions with her and Martin.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think Kathy is just not very good at being a dominant?
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Ms. Green:
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It's not that. I think each person has different energy or something. I believe Kathy is perfectly good at being a dominatrix to her clients. But I think it's different with each person. With me, it just wasn't right. It's like sex--you either got it or you don't. And you can't force it--you can't force sexual attraction and energy with someone. You can fake it, though.
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Dr. Balis:
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And you faked it with Kathy?
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Ms. Green:
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Sort of, I guess. Sometimes I faked it with Bill, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. So what happened at the party?
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Ms. Green:
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Well, when I got there, it was different.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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I never came to one of those things alone. There was always somebody with me. First, it was Kathy, and she was kind of my guru and top. Then, it was with Kathy and Martin, and we declared a more or less monogamous relationship.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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Well, monogamous between the three of us. And then next time, I was there with David. I guess everyone just assumed that he was my new dominant partner, if a bit uneducated and green. He was certainly enthusiastic.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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Yes, David was no bottom. But this last time, I came alone. And things changed. While there wasn't anything overt, I felt like I was prey. Does that make any sense?
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you feel threatened?
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Ms. Green:
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Yes, that too. It was strange. There was this feel to the air. I felt like a little gazelle in an open savanna with all these different predators just eying me and fighting among themselves to determine whose going to get me. It made my skin crawl. I had to get out of there.
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Dr. Balis:
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So you left without playing with anyone?
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Ms. Green:
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I had to. I had this feeling that if I didn't, I'd be in real trouble. I felt that I couldn't put myself in a vulnerable position there--and after all, that's what it's all about.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. I'm glad you had the presence of mind to leave when it didn't feel right.
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Ms. Green:
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I'm not stupid, Doctor. I found other ways of getting what I wanted.
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Dr. Balis:
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Really?
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Ms. Green:
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Sure. After all, I do live with a professional.
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Dr. Balis:
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But you said it didn't work between the two of you.
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Ms. Green:
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I didn't ask her to do anything to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't understand. What did you do, Anna?
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Ms. Green:
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I asked to be a spectator at one of her sessions. I get a fair amount of thrills from just watching, you know.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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Kathy had an appointment with four women.
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Dr. Balis:
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Four?
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Ms. Green:
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She was supposed to be a mistress to all of them. They were lovers and wanted to play out a fantasy. Kathy was supposed to force them to have intercourse with each other in as many ways as she could think of.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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And I came along to watch. They liked that.
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Dr. Balis:
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You didn't participate?
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Ms. Green:
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No one ever touched me. At one point, I unzipped my jeans, pulled down my panties, and played with myself as I watched them go for it. It's very erotic to see someone so turned on and into it live. I guess that's why the strip clubs are so popular. I was glad that I had spare underwear in my pocket.
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Dr. Balis:
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You brought spare underwear?
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Ms. Green:
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Well, I get so wet...I'm sure you remember, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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I...
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Ms. Green:
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Well, maybe not. Perhaps you weren't paying that much attention to the clothes on the floor of your...
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Dr. Balis:
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Anna...
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Ms. Green:
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I know--let's move on. Actually, I think it's the end. I'm tired. I told you I didn't get much sleep last night.
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Dr. Balis:
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All right, it is getting late. Do you have any plans for the Fourth?
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Ms. Green:
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Well, my parents were supposed to come down, but my mom is sick, so...
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh. I hope she's not very sick, is she?
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Ms. Green:
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No, it's just a bad summer cold. Actually, I feel lucky--the whole Kathy business got pushed off to another day.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yeah. Well, all right. I'll see you in a week, Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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Sure. Have a good one, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
