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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Decker. Please sit down. It's really great to see you.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well thank you, Doctor. I feel pretty good. The best I think I have ever felt. Like I told you on the phone, I feel like I have more energy then I ever had.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's really good to hear, Decker. Wow, you look really different without hair.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Yeah, I guess I do. I like it. It's a nice change.
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Dr. Balis:
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It does look good on you, Decker.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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So how have you been, Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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I've been fine.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Why the little chuckle, Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, I don't want to sound goofy or anything and I don't want to offend you, Decker. It's just I've never had you ask me questions about me personally before. It's quite a change for you, Decker.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I think that may be because I feel like a new person. I actually feel alive and like there just may be a reason for me to be here on the earth. It's an earth that I once felt was a hell.
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Dr. Balis:
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Let's try not to forget that--that hell you speak of really isn't that far in the past.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Wow, Doctor. That seems a little pessimistic coming from you.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh...don't get me wrong, Decker. I'm not trying to discourage you by any means. It's just I want you to realize that not every day will be as wonderful and clear as today might be. Do you understand the difference?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Yes, I think I do. I know that my life from here on out still won't be everything that I hope it will be. It's in my nature to jump way, way ahead of myself. So I know it won't all be peaches and cream. However, I don't have a doubt that those bad days won't be as bad as a good day was before.
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Dr. Balis:
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I want you to revel in the good days, but I don't want you to become discouraged during the bad ones.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Fair enough, Doctor. Let's move on. I think we've exhausted this conversation.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay, Decker. What would you like to discuss now?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Oh come on, Doctor. I know what you want to talk about. You want to hear the adventures of my life for the past couple of weeks.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Since I figured that most of this session would be about that anyway, I guess I'll let you in on my little story. This is how it started. Karen came into my room with the medication that I got from you. She was pissed. She started screaming at me about drugs being in her house and how she was going to call the police and have them drag my junkie ass off to jail. She tore my room apart looking for more drugs. I tried to explain to her what they were, but she just wouldn't fucking listen. She never listened to me. The more I tried to explain, the angrier she got. She threw a bottle of pills at me and they hit the wall and flew everywhere. This made her more pissed and she jumped on top of me. She began to hit and kick me everywhere. She was pulling my hair out and when I tried to push her off she would bite me. I....
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like it was a pretty intense scene.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Yeah, you could say that. It was pretty confusing for me. I had no idea why she was so made. Her speech was all in hysterics and sporadic. I could feel the anger in me getting stronger and stronger and I just had to get out of there before I did something to her...you know what I mean?
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened, Decker?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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She got me in the face--a couple of good ones--and it set me off. I jumped up in a rage. Everything just turned white. I screamed at her that she was never going to hit me again and I pulled back and made a fist...
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you hit her?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, like I said, everything went white. I sort of blocked everything out. I don't really remember much after that. I remember running out of the house. I don't know to this day if I hit her. The next thing I remember that day was that I was sitting in an alley crying. Later, while I was in jail, I remembered that I went to the bar to talk to Mr. Knopff, but he wasn't there. I remember I had nowhere to go, so I walked back to the house. That's when I found Karen dead. I thought for sure that I had killed her. I called 911.
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Dr. Balis:
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You called 911?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I couldn't just leave her there. So anyway, I called 911 and then took off. I hung out on the streets for the night and then in the morning, I went back to the bar. The police were there and wanted to ask me some questions. I thought that since they wanted to ask me some questions, they must have thought I did it. I didn't know if I did but if they wanted to talk to me, I must have. So I confessed. They took me down to the station and put me in this room where they asked me question after question. Stuff like have I ever hit her before. At one point they even asked me if I had ever had sexual relations with her. I said no, of course, and couldn't understand why they would ask me such a question. Anyway, they put me in this little room by myself and treated me rather nice. It wasn't anything like I expected it to be. They brought me my medication at the exact times when I was supposed to take it. The food wasn't that great, but jail was sort of relaxing, actually. I had time to put my thoughts together. The longer I stayed, the more I began to realize that I would never kill anyone, especially Karen. Even though I didn't like the woman, she was still my mother.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you sad she's gone?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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No, not at all. She was a bitch. I do feel sorry for the pain she must have gone through, but there is a part of me that still holds onto the theory that it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. I know that sounds sick, but fuck it, that's how I feel.
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Dr. Balis:
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Those are some pretty strong emotions.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Yeah, well, it's still how I feel. Maybe it will change some day, but right now....Well anyway. It was sometime after the second night, I think, that they came and told me exactly what had happened to Karen. She had been raped and then beaten with a blunt object. Her skull was crushed. They think that she may have suffered quite a bit. The last blow is what killed her. She was hit about five or six times in all. Anyway, they had a semen sample and it didn't match my DNA. Or something to that effect. I didn't understand all the biology mumbo jumbo they were feeding me. Since it didn't match, they released me and I spent a couple of weeks here and there. I got to think a lot and the fear went away, so I went back to the bar and talked to Mr. Knopff. He knew everything that had happened. It seems that he checked on me everyday and the police told him everything that was going on. He knew when I was released.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why didn't he gather you up and make sure you were all right?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, Mr. Knopff never has really offered me help. He waits for me to come to him and ask for it. I guess it has to do with that idea of staying out of everyone's business and mind your own. He's just like that. But when you go to him for help, he is very giving. He truly is a wonderful man and a true friend. I respect that a lot because I never really thought I had friends, and I do.
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Dr. Balis:
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So is he going to take you to a ball game?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well we haven't really talked about that but I'm sure if I suggested it he might play along with the idea.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's good to hear.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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It's good to feel, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sure it is. So is that the story of your adventure?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Yeah, pretty much. Now I'm just back at the bar, working my old schedule. I still haven't been to Karen's house, but I am going to have to go there soon and look through some stuff. Mr. Knopff told me that he would help me sell the house so I got to clean it up. That's about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, Decker, it sounds like you are doing pretty good. I'm very glad to hear you are not a murderer.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Well, it was a little sketchy there for awhile.
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Dr. Balis:
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Is there anything else you would like to discuss? We have a few more minutes.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I do want to apologize.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh...what for?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I haven't been keeping a journal. I never got around to getting a note book, and my thoughts were not with journal writing.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand, Decker. However, I would still like you to give it a shot if you think about it.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Will do.
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Dr. Balis:
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How has Simian been treating you?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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I wish I could say that he is completely gone, but I still hear from him about once a day for a very brief moment. It's a little annoying but I can deal with it.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's good to know that you can deal with it. You may never be able to completely get rid of Simian. The medication may or may not wash him out, but it will muffle him. That's why it is imperative that you keep taking your medication.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Doctor, try to have a little faith in me. I just went through two weeks of hell and I managed to take the right dose at the right time even through all of that.
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Dr. Balis:
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You're right, Decker. Forgive me.
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Forgiven.
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Dr. Balis:
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We are about out of time, so until next week?
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Mr. Jenkins:
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Thank you, Doctor. I'll see you next week.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Decker.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Decker Jenkins' Communications
