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Ms. Lippard:
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Hello, Doctor Balis. Sorry I couldn't make it last week.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Katherine. That's okay, though I'd appreciate as much notice as possible when you have to cancel.
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Ms. Lippard:
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That was as much notice as possible. But I'll keep that in mind. I talked to Frank about Lloyd Major.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh?
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Ms. Lippard:
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He appreciates my concerns but says not to worry. He told me that when Major gets to feeling antsy--like when he has nothing to do or like things aren't working for him--sometimes he picks a department, or two, or three, and tries to exert some control. Frank thinks he's just trying to feel like he has his hands on the reins. What do you think?
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Dr. Balis:
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That's a theory. Has this changed the way you feel about him, and what he's been doing?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, yes, it has. I see him as less of an ogre and more...pathetic. He has to go around grasping at straws to feel like he's an effective CEO? That makes me think he's not an effective CEO. Though I have to admit we've done very well with him at the helm, and he did drop the Apple deal as soon as it became apparent we couldn't do it properly. I respect that; he could have really pushed things and made it hard on himself and the company, plus he would have lost a lot of points with the board.
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Dr. Balis:
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Uh huh.
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Ms. Lippard:
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And Frank's giving me tips on how to deal with him. There's little tricks you can use to disarm him without him realizing, to let him believe he's in control. Most of it boils down to just kissing his ass, but if that's what it takes to keep him out of my hair and things running smoothly, that's fine with me. Lloyd, Frank, and I are to have lunch on Friday. I can practice some of these things then. I'm looking forward to it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like you'll be regaining a little control yourself.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yeah, I will. Feels good.
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Dr. Balis:
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Katherine, are you setting yourself up in an adversarial position with Lloyd Major?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Adversarial? No, quite the contrary. I'm letting him know I'm not his adversary, that I'm on his side, while keeping him off my back. If you have to hang a label on it, I guess my position would be a little defensive--I'm keeping control--autonomous control--of my department and keeping him at a distance. But no! God, Major is the last person I need in this company as an enemy.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's good to hear. How is the retirement going?
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Ms. Lippard:
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So far, I'm still the only one who knows. I think Frank may bring that up at lunch this Friday.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good luck with that.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Thanks.
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Dr. Balis:
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Anything else on your mind?
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Ms. Lippard:
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No, that's it. See you next week.
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Dr. Balis:
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You're in a good mood today.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Why not? I'm getting it together, Doctor Balis. I'm getting control of my department, learning to properly play the politics so I can be an effective executive officer. I'm gaining control of my little neuroses--we haven't talked about that in a while, have we? I quit smoking--two a day wasn't an addiction, just a habit. In fact, I don't even watch both news shows any more. My routines have become so loose as to be almost normal now. I still make detailed lists--shopping lists, to-do lists--but I don't have to do the shopping only on Saturday morning. The bathroom gets cleaned when I get around to it, not Wednesdays at seven. I've even made a point of sitting in every seat at the sushi bar. Though...uh, I did notice that I had to try them sequentially.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well that sounds like quite a change, Katherine. Why the big difference?
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Ms. Lippard:
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I think it's control. We identified control as my big issue, and I think I just feel more in control now. The job is coming together, I have a good boyfriend, things are smooth with Phil, and I'm getting my head together. You know, I think that's the big difference. All those things don't seem so important now that I realize that what I'm doing here is what's important. Did that make sense?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, let me think. The routines were to try to anchor you in a chaotic world--to give you a sense of control. But now you can see that you're making progress in therapy--that you can gain more control through the understandings that you're coming to about yourself in here. So you don't need the routines as much. Does that sound about right?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Exactly! So that's better. You know, you said something about not losing my sense of self in my relationship--not becoming someone else to keep Jake around. I thought about that and I noticed that I've been neglecting Phil in favor of Jake. I miss Phil. He didn't mind, of course. He was just happy that I was happy with Jake. But I missed him. So I'm trying to spend more time with him. I don't want to neglect Phil, you know? He's the one that's always there, no matter what's going on in my head. He always loves me, no matter what I'm doing or who I'm trying to be.
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Dr. Balis:
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That kind of unconditional love and support is important to have.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yes, it is. So I want to stay close to him. And he needs it from me, too, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Certainly.
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Ms. Lippard:
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But Jake...hmm. He said he loved me, but not really.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did he mean by that?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, that's not exactly what he said. He explained that the way I love him and the way he loves me are not the same. I love him with stars in my eyes, fireworks in my head, fairy tale happily-ever-after kind of love. He loves me with compassionate, caring, because-I-deserve-it kind of love. Like the way you love your brother, or your friend, or a cat. My love is possessive, he says, and his is free.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's an interesting perspective. What do you think of that?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, I've been giving it some thought, and it doesn't feel exactly true. Oh, what he said about my love is right on the money--I am in a fairy tale. But his part doesn't ring quite right. He is possessive; he's said himself that he doesn't want to share me. He calls me every day. We see each other several times a week. I know I'm more than a friend to him. I know I mean more to him than his family--although, from what I hear, his family is bunch of kooks and losers. But he does feel a little distant. It's like he does feel a lot for me--compassion and...um, caring, and tenderness. But he's not "in love" with me, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lippard:
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And of course, there's the sex. You don't sleep with your family and friends. At least, not usually.
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Dr. Balis:
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So do you believe he's deceiving you about being in love?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Like lying? No, not exactly. I think he may be evading. Maybe he really is in love with me but for some reason can't admit it. Maybe it's too vulnerable a position for him. Maybe he's been hurt too much in the past.
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Dr. Balis:
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Maybe. But maybe he's not really in love. Maybe he's trying to spare your feelings.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Maybe. But I like it better my way.
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Dr. Balis:
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What evidence do you see to support your view?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Doctor Balis, no man has ever treated me this well. He's kind, compassionate, patient. He listens to what I say. He shows me things I've never seen before, does things for me I've never done. He respects my feelings. When I feel like just holding, we just hold. When I'm feeling passionate, we're passionate. Although...
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Just lately, the sex has gotten a little rough. He wants me to kneel in front of him to give him blow jobs. He spanks me. We do it doggy style. He hasn't asked to tie me up yet, but he's hinted at it. And he...well, he doesn't last as long. He reaches climax quicker now.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you comfortable with this kind of sex play?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well...not really.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you expressed this to him?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Um...sort of. Not right out in so many words.
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Dr. Balis:
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Katherine, do you remember what we said about maintaining your sense of self, not becoming someone else for the sake of the relationship?
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Ms. Lippard:
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You're telling me to stand up for myself and not engage in activities I don't enjoy. Just like the thrill-seeking stuff.
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes.
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Ms. Lippard:
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You're right, of course. I should say no.
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Dr. Balis:
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Maybe it would be easier to bring this up sometime when you're not already engaged in sexual activity. Discuss it in a calmer setting, when you're less likely to be caught in the heat of the moment.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Like over dinner, in the middle of La Petite Chateau?
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Dr. Balis:
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You know what I mean.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yes, of course I do. Oh, man, time's almost up and I didn't tell you the one thing I planned on.
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Dr. Balis:
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What was that?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Jake wanted to go hang gliding again, and I told him no. He remembered my celebration when we landed, he thought that meant I was thrilled with the ride. I had to explain what it was really about. He was very understanding. See, that's another reason I think he loves me--he wasn't insulted at all that I don't want to go again, he didn't mind. Whatever I want is fine with him. So we compromised--I'm going to watch, he's going to fly, and we'll have a picnic afterwards at the base of the cliffs with gliders painting the skies above us.
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Dr. Balis:
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That sounds very nice. Congratulations on standing up for yourself. And I'm glad he took it so well.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yeah. Me too.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you can mark that down as more progress, Katherine. See you next week?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yeah. And I'll make a deal with you--I'll make progress before then, too. I'll talk to him about the sex thing.
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Dr. Balis:
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That sounds good. Goodbye, Katherine.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Goodbye, Doctor Balis.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Katherine Lippard's Communications
