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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Katherine. How was your week?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Hello, Doctor Balis. It was a pretty good week. Work is work, Jake is Jake. Phil is ecstatic, which I guess is just another way of saying, "Phil is Phil." So how is Mrs. Balis and the little Balis children?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Just a stupid joke. I've noticed that I always come in with an update on my life, some meaningless chatter before I get to the heart of the matter. Today, it just sounded even more trite and meaningless. I wonder why I waste time like that? I'm doing it right now, in fact.
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Dr. Balis:
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It can be hard to get started sometimes. If you need to ease your way into it, that's fine.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Hmm. That sounds right. I don't want to get into the heavy stuff, so I stall. Which...shit, I guess I'm still doing. Okay. Here goes. My homework was to think about my feelings towards my mother-- about Daddy's leaving and her telling him to abandon me. Well, they're pretty strong.
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Dr. Balis:
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Whenever you're ready.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Okay. I'm a little mad at Daddy for letting himself be pushed into breaking all contact, but like I said, I can understand that. I guess it was he who left in the first place, but that's another discussion; I'm getting off track already. I was trying to say that while I'm only a little mad at Daddy and can start to forgive him, I'm supremely pissed at my mother. Daddy left and all, but he wasn't going to split with me entirely; it was Mama who caused that. It was she who made me think--who made an eleven year old girl think--she had been abandoned by the one person who meant the most to her. I've realized that it was Mama who caused all this pain I've been carrying around for two decades. And I'm pissed! Damn! That fucking bitch! I could have gotten over this years ago. I could have had a Daddy all this time, could have grown up knowing what it was to have a father who loves you, and...shit.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's okay, Katherine, go ahead. Here're the tissues.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Goddamn it, Balis, I wanted a father! I wanted Daddy. And that self-righteous, know-it-all, controlling bitch cut him off. Damn! You wanted emotion? Here it is, Doctor, in all my pitiful glory.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't find anything pitiful about it at all, Katherine.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yeah, well. What else can I do? You know what I want to do? I want to take a baseball bat to this place, that's what. I'm so fucking angry that I can see myself just beating the shit out of anything nearby. But I can't, can I? So it builds up, fills me up with no place to go, so I cry.
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Dr. Balis:
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You can beat up that pillow if you...
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Ms. Lippard:
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Oh, fuck you and your cheap psychiatrist tricks! If it won't break, it's no good and you know it. It's better yet if I can get hurt, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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Where are you going?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Oh, relax. I'm not looking for something to bust. I just have to move around a bit. Is that okay with you?
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Dr. Balis:
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Sure.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Good, because I'm doing it anyway. I've had this rage coming, Doctor Balis. I deserve it, and I'm damn well going to enjoy it. That bitch! You know, when she told me what she'd done, my first instinct was to stand up and shout, "You did what?" Then I wanted to snatch her lying throat out. But no, I wanted to get the whole story, to come to grips with this at last. I'm amazed that she didn't see the fury in my eyes; I must be a damn good actress. And I'm glad I did. I don't know if I'll ever be able to face her again without snatching her bald-headed or something. But I...what the hell are you grinning at?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry. I've just never heard that expression before. Please go on.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Quack. I managed to keep a straight face when my mother dropped this bombshell on me, at least you could try to do the same.
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Dr. Balis:
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Katherine? Why are you attacking me?
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Ms. Lippard:
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I'm not, damn it. I just...oh, hell. I'm sorry, okay? This isn't about you, you know that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Of course I do. But maybe you should sit down again, okay?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yeah, okay.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take a minute to compose yourself. We'll go on whenever you're ready.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Okay. Thanks. Where did those tissues go?
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Dr. Balis:
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They're on the couch.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Thanks. Okay. I'm better now.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. Now, was all that anger directed at your mother?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, I don't think it was all anger.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Lippard:
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You know how weepy I get over my father. Some of it was that, I think. The old grief I haven't finished with yet. It got mixed up in there and...I don't know. Amplified it somehow.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand. But there was a good deal of anger there in the first place, right?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Sure, I said that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Was it all for your mother?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Sure. I'm not following you, Doctor Balis. What are you driving at?
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Dr. Balis:
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Could some of that anger have been directed at your father?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Huh? No, I told you about that. Where have you been? I'm mad at my father, sure, but he did what he could to stay in touch. He doesn't hold most of the...of the culpability. He wasn't the one who hurt me, at least not primarily.
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Dr. Balis:
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But he did hurt you. He was the one who left in the first place.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Sure, we've been over this. Why are you...oh, I see. You don't think I'm letting my father share in the blame or in the anger.
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Dr. Balis:
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Katherine, your reaction to your mother is quite violent, even though you've said that you don't think she meant to hurt you, that you think she just made a poor decision. But it's your father who actually left. And then when your mother cut him off from you, he made no further attempt to contact you even years later. So why do you think you harbor so much more resentment toward your mother than your father?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, maybe it's a time thing. I've had twenty years to be mad at Daddy. I don't know, I'm tired of it now, maybe. I've just found out about what Mama did. It's fresher, maybe.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Do you ever remember being angry at your father?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, yeah. I guess. Hmm. You know, now that I think of it, I don't think I ever really was. I was sad, downright broken-hearted. Well, sure, I was mad. He told me he loved me, then he left...oh, hell. Balis, I don't know. I'm all in a jumble right now. Damn, and I thought I had this all worked out.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's okay, Katherine. Fits and starts, remember?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Yeah, yeah. I guess today was a fit, right? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get nuts.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's okay. This is a safe zone, Katherine, I won't be offended by your behavior. But I will expect you to replace anything you break.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Okay, that's a deal. But I think I can control myself in the future.
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Dr. Balis:
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Fine.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Look, I'm worn out. Can we call it a day?
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Dr. Balis:
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Sure, that's fine. See you next week?
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, are you going to be here? It is the day before Thanksgiving.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm flying out to see my family that night, but I'll keep my Wednesday appointments.
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Ms. Lippard:
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Well, I'll be here, I guess. Have a nice weekend.
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Dr. Balis:
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Thanks. Good night, Katherine.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Katherine Lippard's Communications
