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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Sharon.
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Ms. Lough:
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Hello, Doctor Balis.
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Dr. Balis:
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How was your week?
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Ms. Lough:
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Okay. My lawyer said that it'll be a long time before the crime lab results come back, and even longer before the arraignment. Tony is almost as worried as I am, but he managed to help me get my mind off the case.
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Dr. Balis:
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I have a feeling I'm not going to like this. What did Tony do?
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Ms. Lough:
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He made reservations for us at a gender-bender party. These parties are held every month in an old Victorian house. We went shopping first, which was a lot of fun. Tony knows a store in the Haight that sells clothes for strippers and prostitutes. He picked out this see-through white mesh mini-dress. He was going to wear a pink satin thong under it and a pair of matching pink stilettos. This is a great city to live in if you're looking for a size nine high heels.
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Dr. Balis:
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It certainly is.
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Ms. Lough:
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Tony sprung a huge erection when he saw himself in the dressing room mirror. I stood behind him and stroked it while he watched. I told him not to touch it for the rest of the day; he only had permission to touch when he peed and then only for two shakes. I rubbed him until I could see he was getting really excited, and then I told him to put on his street clothes.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Have you received the results of your HIV test?
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Ms. Lough:
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You really know how to ruin a good reverie, Doctor. With the arrest last week, I didn't have time. I thought you'd be happy for me--I'm getting in touch with my inner dominatrix. For the first time in several months, I'm actually feeling sexual desire and acting on it. Isn't that a sign of progress?
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Dr. Balis:
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There's a compulsive and self-destructive side to your recent sexual activities which concerns me a great deal. I'm also troubled that you're rather lax about taking precautions with an HIV-positive partner.
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Ms. Lough:
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I do take precautions, Doctor. That's why I want to tell you what we did, I think you'd be proud of me. I was very careful.
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Dr. Balis:
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I suspect you have more prurient reasons for detailing your exploits.
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Ms. Lough:
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You say that like it's a bad thing. After we went shopping, we picked up champagne and bubble bath on the way to Tony's house. Tony wanted to shave his legs, and I convinced him it was better for me to do it. We took turns with the bong and drank a few glasses of bubbly while waiting for the tub to fill. When Tony got in, I sat on the edge of the tub and covered my cast with a towel to keep it from getting wet. I took a soapy washcloth and worked it all over his body. He was very excited--hard as a rock. I enjoyed teasing him and telling him not to come until the party that night. I could have hung a plant from his penis. He stayed hard for most of the bath, even when I shaved his balls.
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Dr. Balis:
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You did?
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Ms. Lough:
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He wanted to really look the part of a girl, so all his body hair had to come off. He would have done anything for me; he was in a very submissive frame of mind. After the bath, he got dressed and made-up. He had lipstick in the same shimmering pink to match the thong and heels and he wore a blonde wig. I borrowed Tony's clothes: a suit, a dress shirt, and a tie. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. It was hard to walk with the crutches, but it looked better than the wheelchair. I wasn't very convincing, but I liked the idea that we were both cross-dressing. And guess who came by as we were leaving?
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Dr. Balis:
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Who?
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Ms. Lough:
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The Sick Fuck--Tony's jealous friend. He was livid; he looked like he was ready to kill us both. I can't believe that guy is so obsessed with Tony and me. Tony says he already has a boyfriend and maybe a girlfriend. What more could he want? Does he need a sheep, too? That's kind of greedy if you ask me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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So we arrived at the party a little late. Tony was nervous and excited. He kept checking his make-up in the mirror. The inside of the house had been converted into a dungeon: there was a rack, stocks, a sling, and a large padded bondage table. I spotted a large iron cage against a mirrored wall at the far end of the house. I used leather restraints to fasten Tony to the cage--his arms over his head and his legs as far apart as they could go. There was a mirror inside the cage, and I told him to watch what I was doing. Soon, he was bursting out of his pink thong.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you and Tony negotiate any of this?
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Ms. Lough:
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Well, not in so many words. I knew he wanted to be publicly beaten and humiliated. I planned to give him what he wanted, maybe a little more. While I was tying him, several drag queens gathered around to watch. Tony could see them in the mirror. I lifted up his dress, pulled his thong aside, and fingered him. I told him everyone watching would take turns doing what they pleased with him.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you disclose Tony's HIV status to the other party participants?
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Ms. Lough:
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No, but Doctor...
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Dr. Balis:
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Sharon, you might be into playing games like that, but you can't lead others...
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Ms. Lough:
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I'm sure Tony wasn't the only positive one there. We all knew what we're doing, Doctor. We all know the risks.
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Dr. Balis:
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I...
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Ms. Lough:
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And there wasn't going to be any exchange of fluids in any rate.
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Dr. Balis:
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Was Tony wearing a condom?
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Ms. Lough:
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Why don't you just let me tell my story in my own way? So Tony made a some half-hearted protests, but I knew he wanted...
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Dr. Balis:
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How can you be sure?
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Ms. Lough:
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Erections don't lie. He was breathing hard and was clearly excited by the idea of all those people watching and touching him. But I would have stopped if he told me to. I lifted up his dress and whipped him with a long leather flogger until his back and bottom were deep pink. Then I switched to a small, sharp whip and snapped it on his inner thighs and at his crotch until he pleaded with me to stop.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Did you stop?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yes, of course I did. I did just enough to terrorize him. After that, I untied him and told him to get on the floor, on his hands and knees. I placed a riding crop on the opposite end of the room and told him to crawl across the room and bring it back to me in his teeth, so I could beat him with it. I smacked him on the ass and said, "Go!" One of the drag queens, a tall Rita Hayworth-type, couldn't take her eyes off him as he made his way across the room.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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When Tony returned, I reprimanded him for putting teeth marks on the crop. I made him lean back, still kneeling and rest his weight on his hands. I slapped his nipples and crotch with the crop until he gasped in pain. Then I ordered him to reach into his thong and hold his balls out for me while I whipped them.
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Dr. Balis:
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That sounds dangerous. Did Tony have a safe word?
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Ms. Lough:
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He was okay. He had a lot of experience. He could have said "Red"--a common safe word meaning stop. There is also a party safe word: "Safe word." Calling out "Safe word" is a signal to the dungeon monitor that things are getting out of hand.
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Dr. Balis:
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A dungeon monitor?
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Ms. Lough:
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It's the S&M version of a school hall monitor. There's usually more than one. Their job is to walk around the dungeon and watch what people are doing. They enforce the safe sex rules, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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Really?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yeah, all S&M parties do. We need to use condoms for sex, even for oral sex. We have to wear a glove for intimate touching. There's usually a table with condoms, gloves, and lubricants as a courtesy to the players. But everyone is encouraged to bring their own.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Lough:
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I was surprised when the dungeon monitor came over and asked about the inflatable gag.
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Dr. Balis:
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What's an inflatable gag?
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Ms. Lough:
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It's a specialty item; Tony ordered it from Europe. It's a gag with a pump-like mechanism to inflate the mouthpiece.
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Dr. Balis:
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What's the purpose of an item like that?
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Ms. Lough:
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It feels good. You can pump it up so it fills your entire mouth. It muffles screams and makes the wearer feel powerless. The black drag queen, Tasha, said that Tony made too much noise and needed a gag. I was afraid the dungeon monitor wouldn't let us use it, because inflatable gags have killed people who hadn't used them properly. But our dungeon monitor said that as long as Tony could breathe and had some sort of "safe signal," it was okay.
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Dr. Balis:
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What was Tony's safe signal?
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Ms. Lough:
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Tony's signal was two stomps on the floor. He could have also raise his left hand. One always needs a safe signal when using a gag.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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Tasha gagged Tony and stroked him, making him very hard. Then, she sliced a long, bamboo cane through the air, and when Tony looked up at the "swoosh" sound, Velvet smacked him on the ass and told him to keep his head down.
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Dr. Balis:
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Velvet?
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Ms. Lough:
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There were a quite a few people interested in Tony.
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Dr. Balis:
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And was it all right with you?
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Ms. Lough:
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I like to share, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you enjoy watching them?
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Ms. Lough:
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I found it arousing. I liked the fact that I helped orchestrate it, but didn't have to do a lot of work.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Was all of this sharing okay with Tony?
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Ms. Lough:
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He was hard and didn't complain when they started to fuck him.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did these women use condoms?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yes, they had to. They throw you out if you don't.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Lough:
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And when we finally allowed Tony to come, I held bunched-up tissues to the end of his cock. You're not supposed to get semen anywhere, except in a condom. I thought the tissues were a good compromise. I wrapped them up in a glove and threw them away afterward.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did you feel afterwards?
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Ms. Lough:
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I got a kind of a rush from all this that lasted a few days.
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Dr. Balis:
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How about Tony?
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Ms. Lough:
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He was elated, he couldn't wipe the shit-eating grin off his face. He was a little wobbly afterward--his knees were bruised. He had to take off his shoes to walk to the car. On the way home, he said his mind and body had turned to mush. He was very affectionate, too. It was kind of sweet.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. That was the first S&M event you've been to in some time. What was it like to return to the S&M community?
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Ms. Lough:
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I don't know if one party means I've returned. I don't think I'll make a regular habit of it. This was a special occasion. I had fun while I was there, but being there also reminded me of why I wanted to distance myself.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean by that?
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Ms. Lough:
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There were two dykes watching us, and they made a few disparaging remarks loud enough for us to hear. They said things like: "We should show them how to give a real whipping." They made catty remarks that the guys in drag weren't "real women." I thought they were very rude. It's considered bad S&M party behavior to talk loudly and distract the players.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did their comments make you feel?
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Ms. Lough:
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Angry and disgusted. But that sort of petty criticism is very common in the community. These bitches didn't even play, they just stood around and made rude comments. They didn't contribute anything to the atmosphere and trashed those who did. That reminded me of how intolerant people in the S&M community can be.
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Dr. Balis:
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I remember you mentioned this before.
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Ms. Lough:
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It's like the gay community is always waving around that damned rainbow, but they don't grasp that it's meant to be a symbol of diversity. In the S&M community, like in the gay community, people are expected to conform to a strict standard of how to dress, what to say, how to act. They're always trying to outdo each other with more extreme scenarios, to the point where what they do isn't even erotic, it's just grotesque. I've watched the leather dykes who play really hard, and they aren't into what they're doing. Their eyes don't glaze over like someone having an endorphin rush. They're watching the crowd for peoples' reactions--it's all for shock value. It's competitive in a stupid, destructive way.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Lough:
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Isn't this the part where you nag me to pick up my test results?
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Dr. Balis:
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You will take care of that soon, won't you Sharon?
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Ms. Lough:
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Yes, Doctor. I don't think I'm a high risk, but I'm a little worried all the same.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's best to know for certain.
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Ms. Lough:
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Okay, okay.
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Dr. Balis:
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All right, Sharon. Have a good week.
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Ms. Lough:
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Bye.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Sharon.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Sharon Lough's Communications
