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Dr. Balis:
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Hi, Alex, come in. How are you doing?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'm doing pretty good, Doctor. And you?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm doing well, thanks. You seem fairly relaxed today. By the way, what happened to you last week? Why did you leave?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I didn't plan to leave like that, but I saw that guy. You know, the paramedic? Sael is his name. He just pulled up in front of the building and looked over at me. He's so nice. And quite a man, too!
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. So you left with him?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, I did. I was kind of pissed that my mom decided to impose herself on us and I didn't want to face her again, you know? Lucky break, having Sael show up like that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh! Before I forget, Alex, here's your wallet. It was found downstairs.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's where it was! It doesn't have anything in it--no money or anything--so I wasn't too upset about losing it. Thanks, man!
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Dr. Balis:
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You know, Alex, I was somewhat concerned about you. It disturbed me that you left like that, without so much as a word. I would have appreciated if you left me a note, at the very least.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I just couldn't take it, man. She's such a bitch. And she's like that all the time. It's too much for me. You've been pretty cool to me, so I won't do that again, okay?
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Dr. Balis:
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Fair enough. Your mother told me that you had decided to stay with Ralph?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's true, Doc. For once in her miserable life, she told the truth! Good old Miss Ralph, what a lifesaver! If it hadn't been for that call from him, I'd probably be out in the street somewhere again.
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Dr. Balis:
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Your mother didn't seem very concerned. I got the impression that she was going to let you stay there as long as you like.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's only because she gets the place to herself. This way, she'll be able to bring over all the men she wants. She hates me, you know? And I hate her too. The bitch! Plus, as long as I'm at Miss Ralphie's, I don't have to pay for anything. So that's kind of cool, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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So you don't have to dance or turn tricks for money.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Exactly. It's not like I like to do that--the tricking, that is. I do have a lot of fun dancing, though. But now, Ralph won't let me go in there anymore.
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Dr. Balis:
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In where?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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The club. He owns it. It's where I met him and how I got involved in that strange white bread trick thing. I thought she was a real weirdo at first, but the more I get to know her...she's not so bad after all. Good old Miss Ralphie! Yeah, that club is known for it. It's where anyone, even you, could go to get some young guy to do whatever you want him to do. For money, of course. A lot of the kids pop in there, determined to get a trick. But Ralph found out my real age from my stupid mother, and now he won't let me go in there.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's probably good, Alex. It could ruin his business if you were caught in there. You mentioned before that you didn't want to do it a lot, just so you could limit the chances of getting caught.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, that's true enough. I'd hate for Miss Ralph's club to close down.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's admirable that you're thinking of someone else.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What, you think I have no conscience? I care about what happens to people who are good to me. Hey, did my mom try to get you in bed? She moves pretty fast, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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No, Alex, she didn't. Your mother's a very interesting lady.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's a good way of putting it! Ha! Ha! Ha! I like the way you said that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, remember the story you told me about this man, Mark, whom your mom introduced to you as your father?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yes, it's been on my mind a lot this week. You know, Doc, I think he may really be my biological father. I seem to think that we look alike. Wonder what rock he crawled out from under? It's just the way she handles things, you know? She's so blunt, and it's as if she enjoys pissing me off or something. She won't even tell me about him, really. Well, she won't answer any of my questions about him.
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Dr. Balis:
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What questions do you have?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, for one thing, I'd like to know why she's been keeping this a secret from me for so long. Why didn't she just tell me, you know? It would have been a lot easier for me, if she just came clean and told me the truth. But she's like that, you know? She'll tell you only what she wants to say, just like my grandmother. Whatever is the most convenient story at the time will do. Life would be so much better, if people just didn't lie to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I agree with you, Alex. Lies just create more lies and inevitably hurt someone.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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There's something else I'd like to understand, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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What's that?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I think that my friends can tell me anything, but they keep things from me, too. Take Benny. He seems not to want to talk to me or even see me anymore. I don't understand...
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Dr. Balis:
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When did this happen? Did he actually tell you that he feels that way?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No! That's the problem, he won't even talk to me. I've called his house and left a bunch of messages for him. I even went over there a couple of times, and they won't answer the door, and I know that they're home. It started just a few days after I started staying at Ralph's. It bugs the hell out of me. I keep having nightmares about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think it is?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know! Hello? Didn't I say that already?
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Dr. Balis:
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You did. I'm sorry, Alex. Don't get agitated. I was wondering if perhaps you have a clue as to why Benny's acting this way?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, a couple of months ago, I noticed that he was looking at me funny--different than normal. He seemed distant too, especially lately. I got the strangest feeling that he didn't like me anymore or something. Then, I figured it was just me, twisting things around in my head the way I do, making myself crazy. But when we had sex, it was like it was brand new each time, you know? He seemed insatiable, like he couldn't get enough. So, because of that, I thought that everything was cool, and that whatever it was that I sensed would blow over. I mean, we're best friends. But when I finally got through on his phone the other day, Dora told me that he wouldn't come to the phone.
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Dr. Balis:
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Who is Dora?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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His wife.
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Dr. Balis:
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His wife?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's what I said, his wife.
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Dr. Balis:
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He's married?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Doc? You need a hearing aid or something?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry, Alex. I just didn't expect Benny to be married. How old is he anyway?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He's around twenty-three or twenty-four, I'm not sure. He married Dora about three years ago. I begged him not to do it. But he wouldn't listen to me, he did it anyway, knowing that he was queer.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you have expectations that your relationship with Benny would evolve into a more intimate one in time?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know what I expected. I expected that he would change his mind. Up until the very last moment they said "I do," I expected him to change his mind. I was still waiting for him to decide that he didn't want to be married, even when he told me that Dora was going to have a baby.
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Dr. Balis:
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They have a child?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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They sure do. A little girl. Roselyn. She's so adorable, looks just like her dad. I was there when she was born, just outside the delivery room. But it really bothers me that he won't talk to me. I wonder what it was that I did.
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Dr. Balis:
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It might be that it's not your fault at all. Perhaps, Benny is having difficulties. I would imagine that living double life is very hard. Does Dora know the full extent of your relationship with Benny?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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She doesn't know, but she has her suspicions. She doesn't even know my age. She thinks I'm older, just like everyone else does. But she's walked in on some questionable activities between Benny and me.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did you explain it?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I didn't have to. Benny's a master at story telling. He can make anyone believe anything. I've seen him do it many, many times. He dazzles people with his bullshit stories. Sometimes, it's pretty funny to watch! But one time in particular, he just went into an explanation about how men who play professional sports touch each other--like a little pat on the butt or something. And she went for it!
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What?
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Dr. Balis:
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Over the past sessions you've told me a lot about Benny. I'm not saying that he's a bad guy, but I believe it wouldn't be above him to use people to achieve his own goals.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Benny's not using me! No way! He loves me, I know he does! He's just, he's just...how can you say this to me? I thought you were pretty cool!
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry, Alex. But I thought it should be something we consider. Has Benny ever told you that he loves you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, yes. I mean, no! I mean, I don't know. I can't remember if he did or not. But he doesn't have to say it, he shows it!
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Dr. Balis:
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By ignoring you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know. It's all so confusing to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. Why don't we try to figure it out? How do you feel when Benny isn't around? When he's at home with his wife and child? Obviously he can't stay overnight with you. How does that make you feel to know that you have to share him with someone else?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, it's just that...well, I don't know that I ever really liked the idea. Sometimes, I would cry at the thought of it, you know? The very idea that he was having sex with me, and then going home to her and climbing into the same bed with her and all. It's not fair! I used to tell him that it wasn't, but still I would do it with him. I couldn't bear the idea of him not being around. He's like a father to me, in a way. I mean, most people don't go around having sex with their fathers, but it was more like he was my mentor. He taught me things that otherwise I wouldn't have known. How to do things like working on a car, or painting a house, and stuff like that. He's not a bad person, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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I didn't say that he is. But your feelings for Benny seem to be quite different from his feeling for you. And that's not good. When this sort of thing happens in a relationship, there's always a lot of pain. It's demoralizing. It's self-destructive. It's a no win situation, Alex. You can see that, right?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I just figured if I stayed around long enough, that he would have to choose either her or me. But since the baby came into the picture, my chances sort of weakened.
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Dr. Balis:
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Maybe Benny is making his choice now.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't want to think of it. The problem is that all he needs to do is be honest with me and just tell me what's going on. It would be easier for me if he did.
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Dr. Balis:
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But it may not be easy for him. See what I'm trying to say?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah. It's not like I haven't heard it before. Roly has told me this many times already. He thinks I'm crazy to wait around for Benny all the time. He says I'm pining away for him.
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Dr. Balis:
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Roly may be right. It's something you need to think about. You're not in a very good situation--a lot of people could get hurt depending on what you choose to do. Most importantly, you can be hurt very deeply by this.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I know all this, I really do. It's just that I don't think anyone is ever going to love me again the way he does.
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Dr. Balis:
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Chances are good that you will someday find someone else. And, Alex, you're still quite young and have a lot of time for that to happen.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Many fish in the sea, right? Heard it before, man. You and Roly sure think alike.
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Dr. Balis:
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Think about this some more, Alex, would you? Maybe you should make a list of good things and bad things in this relationship. What do you think?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You know, I've done that already. A couple times. And you know what I came up with? Each time I came up with the same answer--there's more negatives than positives here.
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Dr. Balis:
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Then you already have your answer.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But it's not that easy. I owe him. We belong together.
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Dr. Balis:
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You don't owe him. It was his choice to help you and to look after you these past years. You didn't ask him to do that. He wanted to.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I never thought of it that way. He's always been so nice, so good to me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sure he has. Alex, before we run out of time, did you get a chance to see your doctor? I notice that your forehead is looking much better.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I didn't go to my regular doctor. Ralph has a friend, this old man who used to be a doctor before he retired, and he came over and looked at me. He said I had a bad concussion, but that I would be back in top form in no time. I just have to take it easy for a while. He gave me some Motrin, but I haven't needed to take any of it. I'm feeling a lot better now. If only Benny would...
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Dr. Balis:
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It's okay, Alex. Maybe Benny'll come around and tell you what's going on with him. In the meantime, I still want to urge you to get a physical exam. Are you still experiencing anxiety attacks?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Not like I was. No, not really anymore. Just nightmares. And I've been sleeping more than usual. I think it's because Ralph's place is so quiet compared to mine. He lives on a street that isn't so busy, and the bed I have is huge! He's such a funny man--he still won't even touch me. He doesn't want to have sex with me at all, not even the buttered bread thing. He says he likes me as a son or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like you're treated well.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He does treat me pretty good, you know? Kind of reminds me of my grandfather, only not as old as he was.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad that that's going well for you, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know what I did to deserve it, but I'll take it as long as it's offered.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, we need to wrap things up now.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, Doctor. See you, man!
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Dr. Balis:
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Bye, Alex.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
