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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hey, Doc. Why are you looking at me that way?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, I'm not certain, but something looks different.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's the tan. Or maybe it's the piercings.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's what it is--you aren't wearing your rings this week. And you aren't wearing the rings on your fingers like you usually do.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I decided that since the one in my eyebrow kept getting infected, and I tore the one that was in my nose the other night...see? I decided to take them out for now. I was getting tired of all that crap on my fingers, too. But look at what I did to my nose.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh Alex, that looks painful.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Pain can be a good thing, Doctor. But no, it's not as painful as it looks. Plus, those guys at the culinary school didn't have any. Wow! You should see that place, it's like a maze in there!
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Dr. Balis:
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So you enjoyed yourself?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I had a great time. Like I said, it's like a maze in there. We got to take a tour around the school. And this guy was kind of charmed by me, so he took us in the back halls and stuff. We got to see some of the classes going on, and we even met these two French women who are like the school clean-up ladies. They were so cute and sweet. They asked me: "Ca va?" And I answered back: "Ca va bien, merci!"
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, Alex, each time I meet with you, you surprise me with something else. You really sounded French there. Where did you learn to speak like that?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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My grandmother was Bastille and besides English, she spoke French, Italian, and Arabic, I think. I learned it from her, I guess. But only the French, because that's what she mostly spoke. And also Roly's French, that son-of-a-bitch! But he tells me not to speak it--he says that I massacre the language. Ah, Roly, Roly, Roly!
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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See? Benny's still not talking to me, and I guess he won't be after the other night. But Roly...now, he knows something but he won't talk. I think he knows what's going on in Benny's head and he isn't coughing it up. Ralph pointed out to me that Roly wasn't acting like himself. And then when I started to really pay attention, I noticed that he wouldn't even look me in the eyes.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you ask him?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Of course I asked him, but the bastard wouldn't tell me the truth. He kept saying things like: "That's between the two of you. I can't get involved." But I told him that he was involved because he still goes over to Benny's. I got kind of pissed at him and told him that if he really was my friend that he would tell me. But until he does, then he's just one-sided. But I know he has a secret about Benny. I know he does! This is all making me crazy, you know? Remember I told you about the time I noticed that Benny was acting different? Well, I remember there were a lot of clues that were pointing to this happening.
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Dr. Balis:
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Like what?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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For one thing, he was looking at me with a strange look on his face, I think I told you that already. Then I started catching him in little lies. Like he told me that he was going to be one place and then he turns up somewhere else. The other thing was that he kept losing his patience with me and everyone else...well not everyone else, mainly Dora and Roselyn. For him to lose his temper like that...well, it just didn't happen before. But the one thing that keeps popping up in my mind is the time he told me I should get into porn.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, he's really into watching porn and looking at magazines and stuff like that. But he seemed to be really surprised when I laughed at his suggestion. And then he acted almost disappointed, like he had some kind of plan that was ruined or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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Perhaps he's having a difficult time running his double life. I imagine that it would be very hard to keep it up for very long.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Not for him, Doc. He's a master at manipulating people and getting his way. It's who he is, and I accepted that about him a long time ago. But it is more than that. I just can't figure out what more there is, but every day I discover something new.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, when you were talking about the nose ring, you mentioned that something happened the other night. What was it?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's stupid, really. See? I went after Roly on Thursday night to see what he would do. That's when he and I argued about Benny. I followed him and guess where he went?
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Dr. Balis:
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Benny's?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yup. He went over there. So I climbed around the back gate and propped myself up on the window ledge so I could see what they were doing.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did you see?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I didn't get a chance to see anything--I lost my balance and fell off, catching my nose on something on the way down. They caught me. They came running out and caught me. Benny was pissed. He wanted to know why I was out there and what I was doing. I told him that I needed to know what was going on. And he said to me: "What? You think I owe you something?" And I was like: "Well, yes. You do owe me something. You owe me an explanation about what's going on here and why you suddenly won't talk to me anymore."
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Dr. Balis:
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And?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He laughed at me! Like it was all a big joke or something. He laughed at me! I couldn't believe he was acting that way. It was like I didn't matter at all. Like my feelings didn't count, and like I never really mattered to him! I felt this small. It was worse than some of the nightmares I've been getting. My stomach was all pounding, and my heart was up in my throat. And I got so mad that I...I...I just...
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, take a moment and try to relax yourself. There's no rush here, okay?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I didn't mean to do it. At least I didn't plan to do what I did! It just sort of happened. I couldn't help myself. I didn't mean to do it!
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened? Did you damage something?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Only any chance of getting him back. That's what I've damaged. I totally blew it! I got up and grabbed him. And then I threw him against the wall and started to pound my finger in his chest telling him that he wasn't being fair to me, and that I deserved better from him, and I wasn't going to stand around and take this anymore. When he pushed me back, I went off and hit him in the face. And when I did that, he went backwards and hit his head against the wall. He was bleeding, and it got on me and the wall. And he was looking at me like he was all confused and like he wanted to tell me something. I knew that look. It was like he had something to say but he just couldn't or wouldn't. I don't know. But then, he screamed at me to go away and to never come back there again or to call either. He never had used that tone on me before, and it scared me. But what scared me more was what I'd done to him. I just lost it. If Roly hadn't gotten out of the way, I would have probably hit him too! I don't know why...what...oh god, I think I'm going to be sick again!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, here's some water. Please focus on your breathing. Take some breaths and try to relax. You're getting yourself all worked up. I gather the police weren't involved?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No way. Benny doesn't like them, and he wouldn't have called them. That much I know. But now Roly's afraid that I'm coming for him or something, and now he won't take my calls--not that he ever did take my calls. He always let his voice mail pick up the calls and then he wouldn't return calls. But now, he's got my number blocked, so I get this rude recording saying that he won't accept my call!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you're speaking rather fast again. There's no hurry here. I know that this is upsetting to you, but it's important to remain as mindful as possible.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What does that mean?
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Dr. Balis:
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Mindful is what we talked about last time. It's about thinking thoroughly and clearly before taking an action. Weighing out the pros and the cons of a situation. I know it's hard to remember to do that, but you'll find that your actions will be less impulsive that way, and fewer problems will arise. It's about giving yourself a moment to analyze something and then acting accordingly. Some people say to their children: "Take a timeout." That's what being mindful is--taking a timeout and clearing your head.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I see. But it's hard for me to do that. Especially when I'm being treated like yesterday's trash. I mean, what did I do to make him treat me this way?
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Dr. Balis:
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My guess is that he's the one with the problem here. Alex, try to avoid blaming yourself. He may never tell you what went wrong.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But see? That's the problem right there. I've got to know. I've really got to know what happened.
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Dr. Balis:
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But Alex, what if he never tells you what the problem is? As you've just learned, you won't be able to force it out of him. You may never know the answer.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't want to think about it. He's got to tell me. He just has to!
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Dr. Balis:
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But it's likely that he won't. At least not now.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I can't accept that. I have to know! I have to know why! Oh, I can't talk about this anymore. It's just that I can't let things just hang like this. I just...it's like...I can't go on...oh, no!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, take a deep breath and sit back down. That's good.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'm sorry, Doctor. It's like I'm losing my mind or something! Why are all the people around me going crazy? Why do people treat me like this? It's all so confusing.
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Dr. Balis:
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I know, Alex. I understand.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Sometimes, I think I'd be better off without anyone, you know? Like I could be just fine, if I lived on a deserted island or something. I'm so grateful that I have Ralph, otherwise I'd completely lose it. Oh! I forgot to tell you, I spoke to Mark.
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Dr. Balis:
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You did? How did it go?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, he told me the story of his friend getting murdered. That's why he left my mom here in the city, while he went up to Canada. He told me about his family up there, and he showed me pictures of his girls. I guess he plans to come back to San Francisco for good. Mom said he'll be back in less than a month.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did he confirm that this is his plan?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Not directly, but I think he's coming back. He seems pretty all right. He told me about some of the trouble he used to get in to when he was my age. He even has a temper like me. When I was talking to him, I felt like I was looking into a mirror--I look exactly like him. It's real weird. But he was cool, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, I'm certainly glad that it went well for you.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, me too. I didn't really want to talk to him, you know? But mom just brought him up to Ralph's without any warning, so I couldn't get away or plan what I was going to say to him. But his girls look a lot like me too, and that got my attention. One day, maybe I'll get to meet those girls--my sisters.
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Dr. Balis:
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That would be nice.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I just wish I could get Benny--and now Roly--off my mind. I've been spending a lot of time with Sael this week. He took me to this nude beach down near Half Moon Bay, and we camped out overnight. It was fun. It helped to get my mind free of those two. Maybe that's it. The key.
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Dr. Balis:
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The key?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yes. Keeping myself busy, doing productive things will help me to ease my mind a bit. It's just the down time that gets to me, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Remember, Alex, you can call me anytime if you need to. Please keep that in mind when you feel that things are getting out of control or too overwhelming, okay?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, thanks. I'll bet we're out of time aren't we?
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Dr. Balis:
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We are. But I'll see you next week.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Thanks, Doctor Balis. You're a good guy! Later on, Dude.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Alex.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
