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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, Doctor, I think I figured it all out.
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Dr. Balis:
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Come in, Alex. What have you figured out?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What's going on with Benny, that's what. I went back to his place since we had our confrontation.
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Dr. Balis:
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You did?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You bet! I was kind of worried about him. You know, after I knocked him down? There was an awful lot of blood. I thought he might be hurt pretty badly. So I went over there the next night, and I sat up on the hill above his house and watched and waited.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did you discover?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's the best part, but I'm going to save that for later. Here's what happened. I was sitting up on that hill--he lives on one of those little walkway alleys that connect streets together. His little street was featured in one of those walking San Francisco tour books, because it's so unusual to have these small pathways like we do here. Anyway, I was sitting up there watching his house, and the first night, I saw him come in and go out a couple of times. Then I went back the next night and the next--every night till this past Sunday, I was going over there. Sometimes, I'd just cry outside his place, and other times, I'd just sit there and stare. But he hasn't been there all week, only that first night. At first I thought that he really was hurt, and I was afraid that maybe he died or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why did you think that?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, mainly because his car was there, and the lights weren't coming on when it got dark. So I decided to go a little closer and I noticed that his papers weren't picked up and that his mail had piled up, too. And then something hit me.
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Dr. Balis:
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What?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I got this urge to get into his house to see if he was in there or not.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you didn't.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I did. I don't know what came over me, but I knew where he had hidden a spare key, and I was really surprised to find it there still. So I went inside and looked around and called out his name, but he wasn't there. He never goes anywhere without his car, at least not for as long as he's been gone.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you find out where he was?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's coming. So I went into his bedroom and laid in his bed for a while, smelling his scent on the sheets and stuff. It was like I was dreaming it all or something--as if I was watching all this on a TV screen. And then, it felt like I hadn't been in there for so long, and I realized again how much I miss him. And then...and then, I found this...oh shit!
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Dr. Balis:
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What is it, Alex?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, it's just that history keeps repeating itself on me.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't understand.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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The more I think about all this, the more I feel sick to my stomach--like I want to die. It really hurts, you know? I don't know how much more I can take.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, I must ask you this--are you feeling suicidal?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Fuck, no! I'm not thinking about killing myself, although the idea of a meteor or a bolt of lightening striking me down has been appealing to me. But, no, I don't plan to kill myself. So after, I went home and got into the shower. And, I swear, if I had a Brillo pad, I would have scrubbed myself down with it!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, I'm sorry, but I'm not following you.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I felt so dirty and totally disgusted with myself. If I never have sex again, it'll be fine with me. It's like all I could think of was to get the shit off of me or out of me or something, I don't know. It reminded me of the guy who held a knife to my throat, and how I felt after he did it the first time--like I wanted to boil his scent off me. But no matter how much I washed, or how hot the water was, it wasn't enough to get rid of it, you know? I'm fucking tainted, Doctor. He's fucking ruined me forever.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, I need you to slow down, because I think I missed something here. What happened to you to make you feel this way? What did you find at Benny's?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's real embarrassing. I found some videotapes. A couple with Roly's name on them, and a few with my name on them. Can you guess what they were?
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Dr. Balis:
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Please tell me.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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They were videotapes of Roly and Benny having sex. And others were tapes of me and Benny having sex. Only I never knew that he was taping it, and it looked like Roly didn't know either. They were taken a long time ago. It was obvious that Roly was real young when they were made.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh no, Alex. What did you do then?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I didn't play them while I was there, I took them home with me and watched. And then, I flew into a rage. I feel like I was used, and there were other tapes there, too, with names I didn't know! I felt disgusted with myself, dirty. He used me, Doctor Balis, he used me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, I'm very sorry.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You're sorry? Shit, man, I'm fucking more than sorry. I want to get my hands on him again and really hurt him now! That scum! But wait! There's more! Oh shit, now I sound like one of those announcers on TV trying to sell you a Ginsu knife set or something! But there's more.
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Dr. Balis:
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Go on.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I went over to have a little talk with Roly, because I never knew that he and Benny were lovers. But I could tell that it must have happened before I ever came along. I wanted to know what he knew about all this, and where the hell Benny was hiding.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you get to talk with him?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He told me more than I ever bargained for. Lucky for him, I brought Ralph along. Because if he hadn't been there, I think I might have killed him. What he told me was that Benny is now in jail, and that there were more tapes somewhere.
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Dr. Balis:
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What is he in jail for?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He got arrested because he apparently molested some twelve-year-old boy, and the police had found some Polaroids of this kid in Benny's wallet--pictures that proved he did it. The fucker is a pedophile! A damned pedophile! He likes little boys! Doctor, can you believe it? Little boys, for God's sake! Roly told me that the reason Benny didn't want me around anymore is because for one thing, I'm too old for him now, and for another thing, I wasn't willing to do the porn thing--I was too smart for my own good.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, what do you plan to do now?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Plan? What do you mean? I haven't been able to even see straight, let alone plan anything! All I can think about is how disgustingly sick this all is, and how dirty I feel.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand. It's a normal reaction to the shock of discovering what you've found out. Alex, you were being molested by him yourself. You're right--he was using you, and you were once that twelve-year-old boy, too. Alex, you have the tapes to prove it.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No way! No fucking way! I'm not going to do that! You can't make me do it, you can't! I won't let anyone see those tapes! No one!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, Benny's a sick individual who should be in jail. I think you'd be doing his future victims a big favor by turning these tapes over to the authorities.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No way! I won't do it! I can't turn him in, can't you see that? I love him, he took care of me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, have you ever heard of situations in which a victim identifies with his or her perpetrator?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You mean like when a hostage comes out saying that the kidnapper was justified in doing what they did?
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Dr. Balis:
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Exactly. Looking at it from the outside--objectively--Benny took advantage of you. You said it yourself--he used you, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I know he did. I knew what he was doing, and I let him do it because I liked it. Plus, I was getting the attention that I craved since my grandma died, and which I wasn't getting it at home. You know what I mean?
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Dr. Balis:
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I do understand, Alex. If you'd been getting the affection you needed and deserved at home, then you'd have a different view about Benny and what he did to you. He took you out of a situation where you were prematurely introduced to sex, and he continued to nurture the sexuality that you'd already been exposed to. Your body was reacting the way it was designed to do--with pleasure. That's not wrong, Alex, that's normal. You responded that way because nature intended for you to experience pleasure when certain physical stimulus is applied. Do you understand?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I think so. I never thought about it that way before. I always thought I liked it. But a lot of the times, I really didn't want to do it. I just did it to make him happy. And then afterwards, I felt like shit about it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, Benny did something really bad to you. It's as bad as if he attacked you with a knife or something.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You want me to turn him in. But I don't know if I can do that to him, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, let me put it to you this way, Alex. If you do nothing and he gets out of jail, what's to stop him from picking out some other young child and doing to him what he's done to you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's not my problem. Although, with someone like Benny loose, I'm beginning to think that the only virgin left in San Francisco is an ugly three-year-old!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, I know you well enough by now to know that you don't really mean that. Could you do nothing, knowing that he will do it again?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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At the very least, Alex, you should put the tapes back in the house where you found them. The police are bound to search his residence at some point prior to his trial. If they find the tapes, then you won't have turned Benny in. You just left things as they were.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'll think about it. But I don't want anyone seeing the tapes of me, that's for sure. This is overwhelming me. My head is spinning, and it hasn't stopped since this all came down. Shit! I haven't slept at all since the other night when Roly told me the truth. Look, my hands are even shaking. I can't even relax because of this.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you do seem to suffer from a bit of insomnia at times. I can give you something that would help you sleep--so you can get some rest. How do you feel about that?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't like that idea. Drugs? You want me to do drugs?
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, there's a medication I can prescribe to you that will have a calming effect and allow you to get some rest. Your rest is the most important thing right now, because without proper rest you'll continue to be disoriented and charged up. The medication I have in mind is called quazepam. It's not a dangerous drug, and it has few side effects. I can prescribe it in a small dosage.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know. It scares me to do that, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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You fears are warranted. But trust me, Alex, I wouldn't offer this to you if I didn't think it would help. As I said, it's important for you to get some rest. Here, I'll write it out for you, and you can take it downstairs to Dick in the pharmacy. He'll fill it for you now. I'd like for you to get some sleep.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I won't promise you that I'll take it. But I'll go have it filled anyway.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take it when you can't sleep, but don't take more than one, even if it doesn't work. Try to avoid drinking coffee or smoking cigarettes, especially at night. Here you go and please call me if you have any problems or questions about the medication, okay?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay.
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Dr. Balis:
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See you next week, then.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay. Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, Alex?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'm sorry that I'm so much trouble.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh, Alex! Don't ever think that you are trouble to me. You're a good person, and you deserve a lot better than what you've been given. I think that you've done remarkably well. Try not to worry so much, Alex. Things will improve, they really will.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Thanks, man. See you later.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take care, Alex.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
