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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hello, Doctor Balis! How are you?
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex, I'm fine. You seem cheerful--quite a difference from last week.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, you know how I was feeling last week? And then after what happened to Roly...well, I decided that I had had enough, you know? I couldn't take it anymore. Now I feel like a huge heavy weight--the heaviest weight you can imagine--has been lifted from my shoulders. So I went out and took care of it.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't follow you, Alex. Took care of what?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Don't ask.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did you do? What about Roly? What happened to him?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I told you not to ask! I knew you would. Oh, well. I'll tell you one thing--now I know why I don't drink or do drugs.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Because last week--I think it was Thursday--I got a call from Dora, if you can believe it. She told me that Benny is now in a mental hospital or something. He tried to commit suicide by hanging himself, only it didn't work--it just landed him in a psycho ward. It's rock bottom for him. Rot in hell Fucker! So anyway...last week, I was feeling real low, like the bottom had dropped out from under me, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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I was very concerned as well--you weren't yourself last week.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'll say I wasn't, that's for sure. So on Thursday after she called me, I went down to the park to do my routine, you know? And Cal and I--he's my foreman, I guess--we get into it something fierce. I was screaming and yelling and in a total rage over something that was my fault anyway. But I just had to take it out on him, for some reason. And it's not the first time either, with him that is. I walked away from that feeling like a total jerk, and I went out with Roly that night and had a party.
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Dr. Balis:
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A party?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Don't remind me. My head still hurts. Yeah, a party! We went out together, and I decided that I wanted to get drunk. So Roly and I go over to the teahouse in Benny's yard. You know what's funny? He, Roly, had a dream similar to mine about that place--go figure. Anyway, we went inside and drank a bottle of Cuervo I swiped from Ralph's bar. Roly had some dope, so we smoked that, too. And then I got the bright idea of getting into the garage.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. What happened in the garage?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well at first, I thought that pouring sugar in the gas tank would be enough, but they don't usually keep sugar in the garage. So that was a dumb idea. And then I saw the sledgehammer.
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Dr. Balis:
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Oh no!
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Oh yes! The sledgehammer. It was exhilarating. And exhausting, too. We took turns smashing Benny's car into bits and pieces. Man! Glass was flying everywhere. We were both screaming at the top of our lungs, my throat hurt for three days after. When it was over, I realized we weren't alone. Dora was standing just outside watching us and crying and crying and crying. I had never seen her that way before. She looked like a little girl just standing there, her hand hanging that way--she was holding one arm with her other hand. It was so sad. Then we all started to cry. It was a group cry. Sounds mushier than it was though. She told us she forgave us. She explained to us that she knew that we didn't mean to hurt anyone. She said that we need to forgive Benny. Well, the idea of forgiving him is just a little too soon for me right now, you know what I mean? And Roly! He was ballistic at the thought of it--ready to go totally postal, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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That's perfectly understandable. But I do think that Dora is right. You will have to learn to accept what happened to you and Roly so you can move on with your life, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I know, but it's still too soon. So don't push it, okay?
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Dr. Balis:
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I won't. It sounds like it was good to see Dora--you got some form of positive closure from it. The trashing of the car though...well, you know what I think about that.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I agree. It was a childish, destructive thing to do.
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Dr. Balis:
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Couldn't have said it better myself.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah? But I'd do it again in a second, you know? He deserves a lot worse.
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Dr. Balis:
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From what you told me, he's getting a lot worse now. But that's not your problem anymore, Alex. Feeling better, getting yourself together and under control is. And it seems like you are feeling much better now, and maybe even more confident?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I think Roly had a lot to do with it. He was pretty upset at the idea of forgiving Benny--he was taking it all much worse than I from the beginning. But I hadn't noticed it, because I wasn't spending much time with him. So he's all explosive and everything, and Dora went back into the house--she didn't even care about Benny's car, you know? She didn't even care about it. I think she enjoyed it as much as we did. But I got Roly out of there, and we went down to the bridge and climbed up on one of those beams under it. We just sort of hung for awhile, listened to the traffic, and felt the vibrations of the bridge from all those cars. Roly decided that he was going to freak on me right then and there, you know? And I was like, "Okay, Dude, get a hold of yourself. You're going to make us fall, you know?"
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Dr. Balis:
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You were under what bridge?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What do you mean, what bridge? The Golden Gate Bridge! You think I'm going to climb up underneath the Bay Bridge? That bridge is disgusting! No, there's this place that we know on the San Francisco side where you can get to these support beam-things--they aren't really the bridge part, but they support the cables and stuff, I guess. So Roly was all freaking, and I was trying to get him to come down only I couldn't. And pretty soon, other people were noticing that he wasn't all together there. I guess someone called the police, and they came and took him away for being a public nuisance and for public drunkenness. But you know what the worst part of it was? After they took him away, I was left there by myself to sit and think about what was going on. I sat there most of the night, I think, and I decided that I had had more than enough--I wasn't going to sit around and self-destruct like Roly just did right before my eyes. But I had hurled my lungs out at least seventeen times. And, man, were my innards dry and sore! So I decided to do two things this week. One was to apply for and pass the GED, so I can avoid going back to that damn school. The second was to find some way to get myself into a creative schooling thing--say the culinary school or an art school or something. The only thing holding me back is my age, but mom got Cecil to help me figure out what we can do.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, this certainly turned into a positive story. I'm very happy to hear that you've managed to turn all of this around for yourself.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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There is still a lot of shit to go through, you know? Cecil is helping me with the legal stuff, like he did with my...ah, grandparents. I'm going to be a witness at Benny's trial, and it looks like he'll be behind bars until then. So I'm okay with that. I hope that Roly gets his shit together by then, too. They got him in some place down in Belmont. Oh, and I may be going back to my house after all, but that's still a way off.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm surprised. You were so against the idea of living with your mom and the whole family. What made you change your mind?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, for one thing, Ralph's kind of pissed off at me for not coming home that night when Roly went off. I told him to not to act like that with me, but he does it anyway--he acts like he's my keeper or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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In a way, Alex, he is your keeper. You live in his house right now, and you should let him know where you are so he doesn't worry about you. That's probably why he's mad at you.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, not exactly.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I had another fight. After I finally got home, Ralph was in his own little rage. "Hadn't slept all night," he said. And I do understand why he was worried--I flew out of the house that night pissed off at him for something else, I can't remember what now, but it was something. He said that when I went out the door, that a picture came off the wall and broke. It belonged to his mother, and he was hurt that it was now broken. So I was thinking that maybe this set up isn't going to work forever. And also now that I have these two little sisters who need me to watch over them in this big city...well, it makes sense to be closer to them, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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This has been an interesting week for you, hasn't it? Tell me more about your sisters.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, Racyl is thirteen, and Rhea is twelve. They are eleven months apart, and they look like twins almost. Last Sunday, we went to Angel Island together. While mom and Mark did their kissy-kissy private thing, the three of us went for a hike and rode bicycles and stuff. The girls are way cool, and I feel like we've known each other all our lives! It's different from anything I've ever felt before in my whole life! Rhea's bicycle chain--she is so cute--kept coming off her bike, and I had to keep stopping to fix it for her. My hands got all black, and she came up to me and kissed me on the cheek and told me that she was going to like having a big brother. And then she hugged me real big like. It felt good to be wanted by someone, for real I mean.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like you have a new friend there. I'm glad, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Not so fast, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Huh?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It ain't as pretty as you seem to think it is. I mean, how do I stop this feeling? I don't know how to describe it actually, but it is real uncomfortable for me.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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When Rhea hugged me and kissed me, I realized that I hadn't been touched by anyone in any way for a long time. Weeks maybe, I'm not sure. I recoiled when she touched me. Then later when we were back at the house, I realized that here was the big family. And my fantasy thing was real suddenly, but I felt like I was invisible in the room. No, not invisible. Alone. I felt like I was alone and the room was full of people. Isn't that sort of weird?
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Dr. Balis:
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Not really. If you came in here and painted a perfect picture of your life and family for me, I would have been surprised. After all, so much has happened in your life and at such a rapid-fire pace, it's overwhelming. What you just described to me could be your way of detaching--allowing your mind and heart time to absorb it all and analyze it. You may experience some unusual feelings and emotions for some time until you have had enough time to process everything and heal. But don't worry, usually these things are temporary and you seem to have a way of bouncing back.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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That's true--I'm a cat and I always land on my feet!
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Dr. Balis:
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There you go! Good work, Alex. So, this session went fast. Same time next week?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You bet! Party on, Dude! No, on second thought, don't party on--it hurts!
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Dr. Balis:
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See you next week, Alex.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
