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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hey.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex. That's an interesting thing you've done to your hair. Are those a new form of dreadlocks?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Oh this? I almost forgot I did it. Yeah, it's some kind of dread-thing going on up there. You like it, I can tell.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, it certainly is...interesting.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's okay. I mean I didn't do it for you, anyway. Here, I brought these for you, though, like I said I would. These are a couple of my drawings that I got back from Benny's place.
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Dr. Balis:
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Thanks. Let me take a look at them later. Right now, I'd like to know what's been going on with you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I don't know. Sometimes, I feel like I'm defeated or something--like no matter what I do it's not right, or enough, or maybe it's just not working or something. I don't know how I feel. I'm confused. I'm pissed off at everything and everyone. About the only thing that seems good is mom, if you can believe that. Oh, and also Mark is back now with his two girls, Rhea and Racyl--my little sisters. But my mom has transformed. It seems like it's all a dream to me or something. Especially the way she's been acting.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why? What has your mother been doing?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, last week--the day I saw you actually--when I got home to Ralph's, my mom was waiting for me. She was hysterical--all tears and makeup running down her face and stuff. She was like, "Alex, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry." I was just standing there looking at her--this was real "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" shit and all. Someone change the damn channel or something, this is getting thick! But she was all crying and being this blubbering fool, trying to hug me. And it was all so sick--her being like that.
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Dr. Balis:
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What was wrong? Why was she sorry?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, the San Francisco Police Department paid her a visit. They were looking for me, and I guess they spilled the beans to her on good old Benny.
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Dr. Balis:
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She didn't know what happened...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Exactly. And of course she believed it, because the police said so and there was evidence to prove it. But if I told her about it, she wouldn't have believed me, just like she didn't before. She'd have called me a liar and told me to get out of her face. But now that the police told her...well, shit! Those guys lie more than I ever did, but that's not the point. You'd think that when a little kid tells his mother that some freak is raping him with a knife to his throat that the mother would consider her kid's comment as possibly true or something, you know? Why would I want to tell her about Benny? She would have just dismissed me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. But you said that she's transformed. Do you believe her tears were genuine?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, that's only part of it. She really seemed like she was sorry. She was trying to get me to come back home and all. She was being nice to me, and not in a condescending way either. It was like she was actually showing me some kind of respect or something, I don't know. I've been waking up with a start after having either one of my nightmares or a dream about her looking like the "Leave it to Beaver" mother. That idea scares the hell out of me! Imagine that!
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you want to tell me about these nightmares? What's going on there?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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After the police finally got to talk to me, I started having nightmares about Benny. But that's not what they are about. Or maybe they are--it's hard to tell what they are all about.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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The one dream that has stuck to me is where I'm looking for Benny. In this dream, I'm not mad at him, I'm just searching for him. And it's foggy outside. But I'm walking through this over-grown garden or something. I think it's his backyard, because I come upon this cottage like thing--more like a garden teahouse in England--and it's all covered with thick vines and stuff. I walk inside after pushing back this door. Benny does have a little teahouse-thing in his yard, by the way, but it's set up like a gym inside and it's not covered by anything like what I saw in my dream. So anyway, I go inside and it's set up like his gym just like in real life. But in this dream, it's all lit up with these tall hooded lamps like the ones they use on a movie set. And there're all these people in there. I start asking for Benny, and they all point in the direction of a person sitting in the movie director's chair with his back to me. Oh, I don't know, Doc. This is pointless, really. It has nothing to do with what it seems like it should. It isn't important.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's okay, Alex. Please, go on.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's kind of stupid, actually. It really is. Well, okay. This place inside is huge--it's like ten times bigger than what it really is. So as I go up to see Benny, I notice that the lights are getting brighter and the people are fading out of view, but I could still hear them talking and stuff. You know, as I'm telling you this, my stomach is getting all tight or something--like it's gurgling. Oh, I think I may be getting sick.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, take a moment and try to relax. That's it. Now, slow your breathing down. That's right. Take it slowly. There. Now, take your time. Remember, this is only a dream, and you're here with me now and you're safe.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But that's the problem, Doctor--I don't feel safe. Anywhere. I feel like I blew it and that I can't even seem to look anyone straight in the eyes. I think that everyone knows what I did. There's like a mark on me or something. My shoulders hurt.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand. But believe me--you're safe here. Look around. Look at me. Try to internalize that this is a very safe place for you, Alex. Alex?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know anymore. Is anyone safe? Is anyone? Oh, no...
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Dr. Balis:
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Here, Alex. The tissues are right here.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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See what I mean? Look at me! Just look at me. I'm all crying and I can't even sit in the chair right. Even Marney was trying, in her own way, to get me out of the "ball," as she says it, that I curl up into lately. It's almost like it's unconscious or something. It's how I awoke after the nightmare I was telling you about. And now, it seems like I can't get comfortable in any other position. I feel like I don't want to take up too much space or something. I don't know. I just don't know what I'm talking about, see? I hate it. I hate myself. That stupid dream--I hate it too! So in this dream, I'm walking up to Benny to see if he's all right, because I'm remembering that I pushed him and hurt him. I'm noticing that the floor is wet--entirely covered in dark liquid. It looks like blood, but it isn't the right color. It's all over the place. As I get closer to him, it seems like I have to walk far just to get close to him. And then I hear this voice, and it's yelling at me, telling me things like, "Sit up. Stop acting like a girl, ya little sissy! Stop your damn whimpering. What's the matter with you?" Things like that. This really scares me. But then he turns around and looks at me, and it isn't Benny.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did you recognize who it was?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I did. It was my dad...or my grandfather. What the fuck? He was my dad. It was the only way I knew him, as my dad. So he turns, looks at me, and starts insulting me--making me feel like I was nothing, the way he used to do. And then he gets up and reaches for me. I push him away and I run and run for what seems like eternity. And as I get to the door, he's standing there, laughing. That's all I remember. I woke up in a cold sweat screaming that night. Ralph came into my bedroom and was all freaked out. He said I was yelling and screaming in my sleep. I haven't been able to do anything normal since then. It just completely freaked me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. Have you thought about what this dream might mean?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I told you already, damn it! Shit, you're not paying attention to me! Jeez, why did I waste all that on you? If this is all too much for you, then I can just walk right out of here!
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Dr. Balis:
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No, Alex. Please, sit down. I was listening to you. But what I want to know is have you thought about what these images and events in this dream might mean? Have you tried to put any of it together?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, I put it together all right--I'm a totally fucked up person. I can't even imagine someone touching me again--I feel dirty, used up or something. I'm no use to anyone, not even myself. Shit, my dad told me that from the beginning--no good.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did your grandfather treat you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He wasn't my goddamn grandfather!
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sorry, your father. Was he like this with you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's what I remember most about him. He used to yell at me, or my grandmother, or both all the time. If he wasn't yelling, someone was checking to make sure he was still alive. That's why he had a heart attack and died. He was yelling, and screaming, and ranting, and raving when it hit him. Got what he deserved, as far as I'm concerned. You know what reminded me of him? It was that damn lawyer, Cecil. He's the one who reminded me of it all.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't know about Cecil. How did he remind you of it?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, that's the other part of what my mom is up to. After she understood what went down with Benny, she apparently had a talk with Ralph behind my back--he's up shit-creek with me for that! But he told her about the tapes and gave them to her. She gave them to Cecil. And then I had to go and talk to him about them. Then he gave the tapes to the police. Then the police came back to talk to me--it never ends, it never ends.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think this might be for best, Alex. I know you're angry at Ralph now, but his goal was perfectly understandable. It may have saved you and him from any more trouble.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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It's done now. Can't change it. But I didn't like the fact that he did it without my knowledge, and he knows I'm not happy about it. He's trying to be his nice old self--no strings, no spider-webs, no interfering.
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't think he had any choice, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I guess so. But I don't like the way he did it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did it ever occur to you that perhaps your mother was more involved with this than you realize?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, now there you go again! Hello? Seems like this week, you're the one who's as sharp as a meatball! That's exactly why it happened the way it did. And that's why I'm not out in the street somewhere, running away from Ralph and everything and everyone else. My mother worked her wiles on him, and he fell right into it. That's one thing that will never change about her--when she wants something, she usually figures out a way to get it. Unless it's a man--she can get a guy to do anything for her except get him to stay with her.
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Dr. Balis:
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Perhaps your mother manipulated Ralph into giving her these tapes. But was that such a bad thing? She was trying to protect you, to look out for you. Maybe she's trying to be a good mother to you, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah. It's sick, you know? She's a psychopath. Pretty scary stuff, eh? But I'm not going to move back into that house, you know? She's got Mark and Racyl and Rhea. And now Marney's there, too. I don't really want to be the Brady Bunch. With aunt Sofie coming home from the hospital soon, she'll be there as well. No way. Ralph's is just fine. It's peaceful and solitary. I don't need any more shit, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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No, you don't. But having a large family is not as bad as you think it is. I won't discourage you from staying with Ralph, but ultimately I think you'd be better off with your family. Alex, I'd like to suggest something to you. There's a few books on the subject of molestation...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know about that, man. That's some serious stuff there, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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And what happened to you wasn't?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Touché, Doctor, touché.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you are, like everyone else, deserving of respect and happiness. What happened to you in your life is not what most people experience. You handled it all very well, considering your circumstances. You should give yourself credit for that.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, yeah...and tomorrow is another day, and one step at a time, and all that other bullshit, right?
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Dr. Balis:
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No. That's not what I've said. Alex, horrible things happen. It's unfortunate that they've happened to you. But they have. And what you need to do now is learn how to live your life despite what happened to you. You're describing a very low self-esteem, feelings of disgust about yourself, and even self-hatred. Those are common reactions of molestation victims. So we're going to try to work those emotions through and get to the other side. And you know, Alex? There is another side. It might not feel like that right now, but someday...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hey, I don't come here to be lectured. I could go to my mom's house for that, I'm sure.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. But I want you to start noticing each time you put yourself down, each time you ridicule yourself, and each time you feel like you don't deserve to be loved. And each time you notice those emotions, try to remember and tell yourself that those feelings are not justified and that you deserve as much love and respect as everyone else.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I can't help feeling the way I do right now. It's just the way things are. But I know we've run out of time, so I'll be on my way. Thanks.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex? Just try, okay? And please don't hesitate to call me if you need anything, okay? I'm just a phone call away.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Thanks, man. Hey, I'm sorry I'm being such a dick; I know you're just trying to help.
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Dr. Balis:
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No problem, Alex. I'll see you next week.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Later on, dude.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
