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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex. Alex? What is it? What's wrong?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'm all fucked up, that's what's wrong! And I don't know what I was thinking by going there...what a fool I am! Now I understand why I come here to see you--I am crazy. I am totally certifiable!
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened? Where did you go?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Doc, I saw him. Him! After all this time...
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Dr. Balis:
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Benny?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yes, Benny! I saw him. I don't know what I was thinking, you know? Something inside me couldn't resist when he asked me to come see him. I am such a fool! I drove out to see him; Cami came along for the ride, and it was a good thing, too! I practically went to pieces. Right now, it doesn't feel like any of it really happened, but it did. I'm like...I'm all, I don't know. It was so weird. I said a lot--too much. I revealed everything to him, and I probably shouldn't have.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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When our eyes met, it was...well, it was like we were both frozen and speechless, like a thousand years could have passed without either of us realizing any time had gone by. It seemed like an eternity of silence passed until he finally asked me how I was. I couldn't even answer him at first, I just wanted to look at him...to see him again like that. It was so strange--him being locked up like that. I never in a million years thought I would ever see him again, look into his eyes, and hear his voice. He tried to touch me through the divider thing, but the guard put a stop to that instantly. Benny told me he knew how badly he left things between us and that he wanted to make amends. I couldn't believe my ears at first. I wanted so much to believe him. And then I wondered how sincere he was. What was he up to? I couldn't trust him.
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Dr. Balis:
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And for a good reason.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You really don't like him, do you?
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, Benny...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I...uh, I know, but...
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Dr. Balis:
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But what?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But it felt like the old times there for a while. He was so charming and nice to me. He seemed interested in the things I had to say, and, naturally, it felt good when he did that. But then I...well, I...uh, I sort of unleashed a whole torrent of emotions on him. I told him I loved him. I told him I hated him. I told him that I didn't want to go through my life hating him for what he did to me. I don't want to be someone who isn't able to trust anyone ever again.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did he respond?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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He stayed cool and good-natured, I guess, for the most part. But then, I told him how he hurt me, dumping me the way he did. And he said, "There's that word again." And I was all, "What else can it be called? You dumped me!" He could have talked to me, you know? He could have clued me in to what was going on with him, but he didn't. He just yanked the rug right out from under me and left me scrambling to get my balance again on my own. Leaving things so unsettled made me crazy. Shit! I'm still crazy--I told him that I still loved him and that I wished we were back together, can you believe that? I can puke my guts out, knowing that I said that to him. I did puke my guts out later.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you're only human...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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By then, a full range of emotions had overcome me. I didn't expect to react so ballistic. And I was doing pretty well there for a while, these past few months...but I pointed out to him that people, especially people like me, are not disposable. I believed that nothing could ever come between us. I told him that the way he treated me in the end made me think that nothing between us ever really mattered to him. He said that wasn't true. I told him I needed him to be loyal, to not betray me. Then I mentioned Roly, and he tensed up--it was very noticeable. He said that he really did always care about us, about me. He said that he was sorry. That's when I just...well, that's when I...uh...uh, I...
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Dr. Balis:
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That's okay, Alex. Here's a tissue.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Fuck! I saw his eyes well with tears, and he was shaking. Soon after, our time was up. As I walked away from him, I realized that I may never see him again, and I got even more emotional. Plus, I didn't get a chance to say everything I needed to say to him. And he hardly said enough to me. He was still so vague and so shielded from me. Lucky for us both, that chain link divider kept us apart. There were points when I felt like spitting in his face and swearing at him. And sometimes, I felt like wrapping my arms around him tightly and never letting go. I'm so embarrassed...
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Dr. Balis:
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When you saw Benny, you dropped your guard. He was familiar to you. He seemed comfortable. But you were still able to say things to Benny that you needed him to hear. You told Benny that you weren't disposable. That was very important. It was important for you to say that. You were able to stand up for yourself in front of Benny. That was a big step. I'm proud of you for being able to do that, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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For a split second, I saw a tear in his eye. But you know, now I wonder how real that was. Did I imagine all of it? Or...I don't know. I saw by the way Benny acted that he wasn't any different now than he was then. It was that vague thing that he does...some things never change, you know? And sometimes, saying you're sorry just isn't enough. Did you ever hear the term "too little, too late?" Well, that's kind of how I feel about this, you know? But on the drive home, I was so twisted up about this, crying and shit, I had to pull over and let Cami drive. That was when I hurled my guts out on the side of the road. I was shaking all over, like I was ice-cold. I never shook like that before. Cami kept talking to me and tried to calm me down, but I wasn't able to stop shaking. Even my teeth were chattering. That's when she gave me something to calm me down.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did she give you?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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A pill, I don't know what it was called. Here, I still have the bottle. It says Nembutal. I even took some before I went to bed that night, and that stuff works so much better than Melatonin, especially when you smoke a little...
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you know what I'm going to say about this...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Then don't say it, man.
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Dr. Balis:
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Using marijuana as a sleeping aid is bad. Taking someone else's prescription drugs is very bad, Alex. You didn't even know what it was. The consequences could have been...I would like you to give me what you have left there.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Are you kidding? Really? What's wrong with this stuff? It helps me sleep, and I'm able to get calm and relaxed after I take one.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, Nembutal is highly addictive. Please, let me see that bottle.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I don't know. It's only a little capsule.
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Dr. Balis:
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If you are having trouble sleeping, Melatonin is the best thing for you to take. And if worse comes to worst, I will prescribe for you something less addictive than Nembutal and with fewer side effects.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, yeah. Well, I can't give them to you, I have to give them back to Cami. They're her mom's or something. I'm not an addict, like those freaks in Tony's Rational Recovery meetings.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, Alex, if you won't give me the pills, then promise me that you won't take any more. Please, just stick to Melatonin. You seem to be handling the anxiety pretty well now; you don't need to take these. Promise?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay! Enough already, all right? I'll give them back to Cami, and I won't take anymore. Jeez! Next thing I know, you'll be insisting that I go to those meetings with Tony or something. Those drug addicts--you should see them--are all pale and starved. This one guy had pimple scars or something all over his face--gross! Plus, they're supposed to be clean and sober, and I could tell some of them weren't. And they were all drinking coffee--they gave up speed and switched to caffeine. Such hypocrites! I won't let myself end up like that. Speaking of hypocrites, did I tell you I almost ended up in jail?
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Dr. Balis:
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You sound like you're bragging about it.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Those damn hypocrite sheriffs gave me and Mr. Wow tickets.
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Dr. Balis:
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Mr. Wow?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You know--he's that guy who looks like Benny. The one who works at Waiters on Wheels? That's why I call him Mr. Wow. His name is Ted, and he called and invited me to go to the beach with him. This time he left his codpiece at home, and wow! I was like, "Oh my!" That's the other reason I named him Mr. Wow.
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Dr. Balis:
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I take it you went to a nude beach?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You got it! It was hard, uh...I mean I had a hard time...uh, no. I mean I had a little trouble hiding my, uh...my interest in him. Yeah, that's it, my interest.
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Dr. Balis:
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So what happened?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What didn't happen?
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Dr. Balis:
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Why did you have trouble with the sheriff?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, this was at that beach that's just south of Devil's Slide on Highway 1. When we went up the trail to go back to the car, the sheriff was waiting for us. He told us that hiking or climbing is prohibited there. I told him that we just walked up a trail, but he wrote out the tickets anyway. But what burned my ass was the fact that the only reason the sheriff was there was because they were practicing rappelling down the rocks. And he told us that hiking or climbing was prohibited--hypocrite.
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Dr. Balis:
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I hope you didn't tell him that to his face.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No, not to his face. But when he handed me the pen to sign the ticket, I told him that I didn't want to sign it. That's when he told me that he would take me to jail. So I snatched that pen up and signed without delay--I may be lonely, but I'm not that lonely! So now, I have to go to court next month to fight it. Ted said he got a ticket before for the same thing, but they dismissed the case when he went to court. So I'm hoping they'll do the same with me. It was a good thing they didn't search us.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Two reasons. One, I had my prized knife on me. And two, I had a joint.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like you got lucky, Alex. I'm afraid to ask but...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Then don't ask, dude. But I do think I got lucky--I've been weak in the knees ever since.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see. Alex, I'd like to ask you about the...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You want to know why I am smoking again, don't you? Well, it's because it's there. Because it feels good. I don't know. Since Benny, I've been all tense, and I feel kind of shaky, you know? When I take a few hits from a joint, I feel better for a while. And I keep having these weird dreams. But when I smoke, I notice that I don't dream as much. So that makes it better, too.
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Dr. Balis:
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That could also have been the result of Nembutal. Alex, I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that your drug use concerns me. Please don't abuse drugs, they really are only a temporary fix and not a good solution. They only lead to more problems.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Now, don't get all preachy with me, I'm not addicted. Shit! I haven't been taking enough of it to become addicted! Don't worry, dude.
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Dr. Balis:
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I do worry, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Don't. I'll be fine. That thing with Benny was just temporary insanity. And what better way is there to cure that than with something else that's temporary? They'll cancel each other out. Get it?
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Dr. Balis:
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Somehow I don't get the logic in that.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You don't have to, I do.
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Dr. Balis:
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Well, it looks like we're out of time for today, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, dude. I'll see you next week.
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Alex. And please, be careful, okay?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Dude! Don't worry, I'll be all right.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay, Alex. Goodbye.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
