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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex. I'm very glad to see you. How are you doing?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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You can cut the nicey-nice bullshit, Doc! How the hell do you think I am? You know, no one knows how I feel except for Katherine; even you didn't believe me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, it's not that I didn't believe you, I just had a strong sense that there was something missing in what you told me about your last encounter with Benny.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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See? There you go again! There you fucking go! I told them coming here was useless, but no! Cecil said I absolutely must come here to see you--I have to keep coming here if I want to get out of this...this...this stupid bullshit! So, you don't believe me, do you? You want to know why I went off the way I did? Why did I really go off like that? You want me to tell you the real reason?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I do want you to tell me, Alex. I want you to tell me everything.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, so here goes. All right, first, let me say that Katherine was after me over this since the first night, that fateful night. Even Elgin said I needed to do it, but I...I don't...no, I mean I didn't want to tell anyone, I really didn't. But Katherine said I had to, she said that I owed it to myself, whatever that meant. You know, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd still be in jail, did you know that?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I knew that Katherine posted the bail to get you out. Your mother told me.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Oh shit! Why did you have to go and bring her up? That fucking bitch! She wanted me to stay in there and rot, you know? She didn't even care! It's the same old story with her...what did I expect anyway? What did I fucking expect from her? She'll never change; she'll always think the worst of me! I couldn't even talk to her--she was so irrational, I just had to ignore her.
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Dr. Balis:
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How was she irrational?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I told you how! She told me she was coming here to see you, and she did, didn't she?
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Dr. Balis:
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She did.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I can tell by the look on your face that she gave you a bunch of shit, too, didn't she?
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Dr. Balis:
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She wasn't happy about your situation, but I think you already know that.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Did she tell you that I'm not allowed at her house anymore? That I can't even see my own little brother again? Even Mark is pissed off. Everyone is pissed at me, even Ralph. That's why I'm staying with Katherine right now. She's my saving grace, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Katherine cares a great deal about you and what happens to you.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, she posted a lot of money to get me out. Before she did it, she came to me in jail and told me how important it was for her and for me not to bag on her and run off. She said it would be a huge betrayal if I ran off, not that I was thinking about doing that. Where would I go? But she told me that she trusted me to do the right thing--to go to court when I'm supposed to and to take responsibility for what I did. Katherine really knows how to make me see things with a clear head. You know, since I've been staying with her, I haven't even had the urge to go on one of my long walks in the middle of the night.
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Dr. Balis:
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That's encouraging.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, I guess. And she feeds me, too. She said she doesn't want me to get sick on top of everything else. She keeps urging me, almost haranguing me, to tell the whole story to the police and to totally come clean. And I keep saying that I didn't want to do that because...well, because I am so embarrassed.
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Dr. Balis:
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What are you embarrassed about? Is it about what you did to Benny?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, yeah, it's that too. But mostly it's what he did to me and why I went off so badly...
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Dr. Balis:
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Well?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay. All right. I guess I can...I mean...I know I can tell you. He...uh, he did it again, you know? He...hmm...well, he...he...uh, he practically tore my shirt right off me. He must have really built his muscles up while he was in jail. I just thought he got skinny, but no, he got buffed up, all muscular. He was so much stronger than I was, and it caught me by surprise.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, did Benny...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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No kidding. Okay, so he raped me, I guess...
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Dr. Balis:
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You guess?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yes! Okay? He raped me, and that was the reason I went off on him! I wasn't going to let him get away with something like that again. I was so stupid to even get in the car with him. So stupid! It's all my fault, you know? If only...well, if I just hadn't gotten into that damned car, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't be in this mess right now. And he wouldn't have done it to me. Katherine and Doctor Elgin talked to the police about it. I didn't know until after they did it, but Katherine said they had no choice. Elgin took evidence from me...off me...whatever. He took pictures and some physical evidence to prove what Benny did. And they had to tell the police about what they knew. Katherine said she didn't want to betray my trust in her, but the police kind of forced it. And the truth needed to come out anyway. I guess she was right, after all.
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Dr. Balis:
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I agree, they had to tell the police what happened. Alex...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, at first, I kind of blew up at her. But then...well, you know the way Katherine is--she calmed me down and made me see it her way--made me see it clearly. I don't blame her for it. She couldn't have kept quiet about it for too long anyway. She knew too much as it was. And Elgin, doing what he does--being a doctor in that clinic place--well, it was his legal responsibility to report this to the police. Well, that's what Katherine said. But...well, I don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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What?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I feel real stupid. I feel like I deserved all this, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, you didn't deserve to be raped...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But I got into the car with him. I was practically asking for it! I got exactly what I deserved!
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Dr. Balis:
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No, Alex. No, you didn't. Getting into Benny's car was definitely not a good idea. But you didn't deserve being raped. Alex, you do hear me?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I heard you, but this doesn't change how I feel! If only I had moved a little faster! If only I hadn't gotten tripped up like that! Shit! He caught up to me and threw himself on me. It was...it was like he...uh, he was out of control! I'm certain he was on something, probably crank. He was so sweaty and like a mad dog, practically foaming at the mouth. I can still feel his hot breath on my throat. God, that hot bath at Katherine's...well, let's just say that no amount of scrubbing can ever get me clean. Everything ached and burned. I totally felt raw inside. And there was a good amount of blood and...well...uh, I'm...uh, I'm sorry. It's just...it's so not like me to get like this.
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Dr. Balis:
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It's okay, Alex. Here, take some tissues. It wasn't your fault, Alex. Alex?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Fuck me! Yes, it was my fault! I brought it all on myself. And then I had to go and make it worse by turning the tables on him! The only thing I didn't do was rape him back. I just wanted him to feel a little pain and to realize he didn't have any power over me any more. But the funny thing is, I don't know what I would have done if that person, whoever it was, hadn't broke through the front door just then. I was so fucking crazed myself, and that's what scares me--I still can't believe I went off so badly. And then to do that thing with the video camera...I must have been crazy or stupid! That was the stupidest thing I ever did in my life!
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, do you know if the person who broke through Benny's front door was captured on camera?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hmm? What do you mean?
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Dr. Balis:
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The police probably have that person on tape, right?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah. Funny, I forgot about that. Cecil did say something about that, too. But I don't remember what. He did say something. So they found Benny all beaten up and in a coma. See? On the tape, they would be able to see that he wasn't all beat up when I was torturing him, because I didn't beat him up. I just terrorized him a bit, that's all. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! See? It's all so easy. Too easy! He didn't get beat up by me. It's on the tape! They're not going to be able to make all these charges stick, you know? None of it! Even Cecil said there's too much in my favor. Benny practically kidnapped me. He assaulted and raped me. Man! You know I bled for like four days straight after that, and I had a hard time...well...uh, I had a little trouble going to the bathroom, too. I'm so ashamed of myself! This is too ridiculous. Look at me. People like me don't get raped. That only happens to women. No one would believe this. I can't tell my mother or Mark about it. I can't! No matter what I say, my mom is just going to think I started it all with Benny anyway. She'll think that I was the instigator. But I was even afraid to tell you about it. Can you believe that? You! I tell you everything, and I was too ashamed to tell you!
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad you told me, Alex. You can tell me anything. I'm not going to judge you. I care about what happens to you, Alex. And men do get raped, too, Alex. It happens all the time, unfortunately. And shame and embarrassment are natural reactions to...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, now I got to wait like six months before I can get an accurate AIDS test, and that scares me. I keep having dreams that I'm going to have it. Shit, I look at Tony and Ralph and think I'm going to go through what they are going through, all the pills, all the crap. And Tony isn't doing so hot these days. He's having trouble with his eyes or something, I don't know. They say it's AIDS-related. But anyway, I just don't know.
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Dr. Balis:
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Alex, did you tell the police what you've told me?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Cecil took me to talk to the DA, but I don't think it did any good. I think they were waiting for Benny to die or something so they could try to get me for murder. But luckily, he woke up the other day.
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Dr. Balis:
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He did?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, but he doesn't remember anything about that night, or so he says. Ralph went to see him. He said that Benny was all happy to see him. And according to what Ralph said, he acted like nothing had happened. His speech was slow, but he asked about me and wanted to know why I hadn't come to see him. But I'm all...I don't know...I find it hard to believe that Benny's got amnesia. I think he's probably playing one of his games again.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. It's quite possible that he doesn't remember what happened that night. That's a common side effect of coma. And sometimes, the human mind tries to protect the person from the memory of the trauma...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Really? Hmm. I didn't know that. I never knew anyone who was in a coma before. I have known brain-dead people, but not comatose people. At least he didn't die. That's a positive on my side. I never really wanted him to die. I just wanted him to suffer a little, and I guess I got my wish, you know? So now I don't know where all this is going to go. Part of me wants to go see him myself, but I can't do that.
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Dr. Balis:
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That wouldn't be wise, Alex. I strongly recommend against it.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, Ralph told me they have a guard outside his room anyway. And as fucking crazed as I have been, I don't really know what I may do next. Lucky for me, Katherine is sticking to my side right now. She's like the only person in the world I can count on, and I've been just a raw nerve lately. Every time she comes into the room, I practically jump through the roof. I wish she didn't have to work. When she went back to work finally, I didn't know what to do with myself while she was gone. That first morning she was gone, I sat in the bathtub and cried my eyes out until I had a headache. She gave me her pager number just in case, and she called me every other hour to check. That made me feel better. But...well, I feel bad that I let her down, too, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't think she looks at it like that, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, it's still in the back of my mind anyway.
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Dr. Balis:
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I understand.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, she's probably waiting for me to get back to her place right now. I don't want to be late, she'll get so worried about me. Oh! Did I tell you she's moving into that new place this weekend? We got a bunch of guys--the burliest bunch I could round up--and we're going to move her over there in one day. What she has in the penthouse right now will hardly fill the house, so it shouldn't take very long really.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm. It would be good for you to do some physical work--you'll get your body tired and your mind might get some rest.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, I guess. Well, I'll talk to you later, dude!
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay, Alex. I'll see you next week. But if you need me...
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I know, I know. Bye, Doc!
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Alex.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
