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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hey.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello, Alex. Please have a seat.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I'm so not into this, you know?
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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This! This...uh, whatever it is that we do here. I'm so not into talking today. Well? Aren't you going to say something instead of looking at me like that?
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Dr. Balis:
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What would you like me to say, Alex?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know. Shit! Everything is totally messed up, you know? So messed up. My life is a mess and...well, I think I may need to find myself somewhere else to sleep, on top of everything else.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know. Because...just because. Okay, so I sense that something is up with Katherine, but she's not letting on. But I can just sense it, you know? It's like...it's...well, it's kind of like when you have this feeling inside and you can't really explain what it is or what it means, but you know it's there. It's that kind of feeling. Plus, Ralph called and asked me when I was coming home.
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Dr. Balis:
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What did you tell him?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I told him I didn't know. He came down pretty damn hard on me for what happened with Benny, especially after he saw Benny in the hospital. I felt like he thought I was the one who beat him up like that. It was like he didn't really believe me. And he said some things that were pretty unforgivable. But now he wants me to come home.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you want to go back to Ralph?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hello? Haven't you been listening to me? He was so not nice to me, dude, so not nice. No one but Katherine believed me, not even you at first. But I think you believe me now, don't you?
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Dr. Balis:
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I believe that Benny kidnapped and assualted you, Alex. I believe that none of this would have happened if Benny hadn't lured you into his car.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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But you don't really believe all of it, do you? Oh, it's all right. I'm getting used to this by now. I kind of feel like a pariah. I should have a sign around my neck that says, "Kick me." And Ted...well, he pretty much bailed on me. I think it freaked him out when he heard what I did to Benny, and he totally bagged. No explanation. No excuses. No nothing! It's like what was I thinking anyway?
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't understand what you mean.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What in hell was I thinking getting involved with Ted? He looked like Benny. He talked like Benny. He was Benny's mirror image. I'm so into this self-torture thing. I look for people who will treat me bad. So now, it's like I have nobody. I wonder if I ever did.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm here for you, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, yeah. You only say that because you're getting paid. I know what time here means, okay?
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Dr. Balis:
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Not true, Alex. I do care about you, and I am here for you.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Right. I bet you say that to all your patients, you're supposed to say that. You know, I should just go now!
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Dr. Balis:
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No, Alex! Sit down, please! Look, I know what a difficult situation you are in right now, I know how hard it must seem. But running away from the people who are here to help you is not the answer. Talking it out, facing life head on is what going to make the difference. I'm here to hear you out and help you. And I do this because I care about you, not just because it's my job. I'm not going to leave you, Alex. I'm sticking with you, and we'll see it through together. Understand?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Uh, yeah, I guess. Dude, I never saw you get like that before. You can be pretty butch when you want, you know that? Wow! Makes me shiver when you deliver! Dude! I think I need a drink of water, or if you got something stronger...
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Dr. Balis:
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Water!
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Oh, all right! Thanks, man. So now what?
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What do I do now? How do I make this mess go away? Every day, I'm haunted by these new memories. They intrude on me when I least expect it. It's so unforgiving how they creep into my thoughts.
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Dr. Balis:
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This is why it's important that we talk about this. By talking this out, you'll not only acknowledge your feelings, you'll also learn to accept them and come to terms with, and eventually, you'll learn to live with them.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Hmm. I hadn't thought of it like that. Well, this funny thing happened the other day after we came back from our boat ride to the Farallon Islands.
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Dr. Balis:
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When did you go out there?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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On Sunday. Katherine took Philip and me as a way of saying thank you for helping her move.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Yeah, we moved her in last Saturday. It went pretty smoothly, too. Well, except for the truck breaking down. You should have seen it. We were halfway across the city when the stupid rental truck just died. I was so pissed. But Katherine...well, she just handled it. I'm telling you! She whipped out her cell phone, got the rental company on the line, and chewed them a new asshole for giving us a piece of shit truck, all the while with a smile on her face. She knows how to talk to people to get what she wants. She was like, "Oh, God." I mean ho-hum! She was way cool about it. And all the guys...that was a sight! All these muscle-queens were out there standing around the truck, scratching their heads and of course, no one had the slightest idea of what to do. But Katherine just went, "Easy as that!" Then she grabbed the donuts and started eating one. Nothing rattles her. Before I knew it, a new truck was delivered and everything moved in no time. The best part of the day was what happened to Philip.
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Dr. Balis:
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What happened?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, he's not much for moving furniture, so he kind of hung at the house, arranging things, trying to wire up the stereo. And he hasn't got a clue, really. He was making a mess of it. So Troy came walking in with an eye on Philip, chest out, and all pumped up. He thought he had it totally going on, and he took control and got the thing working. But Philip didn't have a clue that Troy was trying to seduce him with his cocky know-how and big muscles. Philip was like some wide-eyed kid watching Troy. Troy thought he was all that and a bag of chips! They would have made a cute couple, though. Katherine and I were laughing. We weren't sure who was funnier, Philip or Troy. And I don't think Philip ever did get a clue. When I finally told Troy that Philip was straight, he didn't believe me, or he didn't want to believe me. He was so out there! Anyway, what was I suppose to be talking about?
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Dr. Balis:
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Your trip to the Farallons.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Oh yeah, right. Actually, it's what happened after we got back. It was pretty cold on Sunday, and Katherine wanted a fire in her fireplace. I remembered seeing some wood in the backyard and an axe, so I went out back and started chopping wood, except this one log wouldn't split. I had a hell of a time with it, but I kept trying anyway. I was hell-bent to get it split. Finally, when it broke open, inside, there was a stump that was blackened. The thing must have been in a fire at some point, but the tree lived, and a new bark grew around the burnt part, sealing it inside. I had a major epiphany from that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Really?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, it stood as a metaphor, really. This is how I saw it. This tree was wounded in a fire, but it lived anyway. Eventually, it grew new bark, encompassing the wound. People do the same thing--we get hurt, but we go on, and like the burnt tree, we carry on building layer on top of layer. The scar eventually gets covered up and heals, but it's still there deep inside, only we grow stronger--that's why the log was so hard to split. The thing is I'm like that. We all are, I guess. And what I realized was that sometimes, with a lot of effort and chipping away, those buried scars could be reopened forcing a person...forcing me to face it again and maybe to learn some lesson from it or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you think you have learned, Alex?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Well, I thought about Benny and me. And "an eye for an eye" isn't always the right answer, and it probably never is. I was wrong, so wrong. Now I may pay big time for my wrongness. I should have gotten out of there and went straight to the police, like Katherine said, but I let the pain make me crazy mad and...well, you know the rest.
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Dr. Balis:
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So what now?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I don't know, dude. Ralph told me that Benny called, asking for me. He said that Benny still doesn't remember what happened and wants to talk to me. I know I can't go there, I just can't. It chills me to even think about it, about seeing him, about talking to him again. I realize that some people, like Benny, have this twisted need to control and dominate other people, wounding them in the process.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Dr. Balis:
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And the other lesson that burned log taught me was that I need to make myself stronger. But how do I use my situation to make me stronger? I have to make myself stronger so I can get through this without totally losing my mind.
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you've taken the first step, Alex.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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What do you mean?
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Dr. Balis:
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You are acknowledging your mistakes, and at the same time, you are realizing the impact of the violation done to you. You are sharing your fear and anger with me and others who care about you. You are making an effort to regain some control over your life. And you did all of this with very little help from me.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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I did all that? Hmm. Wow! Okay, dude, you're getting kind of deep now.
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Dr. Balis:
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I want you to understand, Alex, that there is no right or wrong way to react to the pain that you went though. But it's important not to push away the people who care about you. You need the support, Alex. You need help--my help and the help of others--to get though this. It's too hard to heal on your own.
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, dude, I get what you mean.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. We've accomplished quite a lot today. So much for not wanting to talk, hmm?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Somehow, dude, you bring it out of me. I don't know how you do it, but you do. Katherine does that, too. Oh well.
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Dr. Balis:
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All right, Alex, we're out of time for today. I'll see you next week?
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Mr. Rozzi:
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Okay, see you then!
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Dr. Balis:
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Goodbye, Alex, take care of yourself.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Alex Rozzi's Communications
