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Ms. Green:
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Hello Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hello Ms. Green. How are you?
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Ms. Green:
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I was better when you called me Anna.
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Dr. Balis:
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Did I?
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Ms. Green:
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I guess you were so worried about me that it's just slipped. But I noticed and I like it a lot. So please don't stop.
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Dr. Balis:
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Okay. How are you, Anna?
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Ms. Green:
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That's much better, thank you.
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Dr. Balis:
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I mean how was your week?
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Ms. Green:
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I know what you meant. It was okay. You'll be happy to know that I'm over Tony completely.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm glad to hear that.
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Ms. Green:
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I still think that it would have been nice if he waited a week or two before falling in love with the first human he met right after me, but that's the way life, I mean, love is. And in any case, these kind of relationships don't last too long anyway.
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Dr. Balis:
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Why do you think so?
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Ms. Green:
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Love at first sight? I just don't think so. A relationship needs a strong friendship and a lot of common ground to last. What does he know about her? Her hair color? He might not even know that for sure.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like you are still a bit bitter.
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Ms. Green:
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Maybe just a bit. But as I said, I don't think his love is going to last. That's sort of my little revenge. It makes me feel better, you know? I mean, I don't really wish anything bad on him--just a little heart break. Nothing much or too serious for a week's long affair. At least nothing worse than what I felt. Don't look at me that way, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm?
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Ms. Green:
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I'm not really being bad. I'm just joking. Maybe he did get lucky. He will marry her and they will have lots of children together. Lots of twins, I hope!
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Dr. Balis:
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Anna!
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Ms. Green:
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There is nothing wrong with twins. They are very cute. You can dress them in identical clothes. People will goo and ga over them. It's fun! Of course, there is a little breast feeding problem. Each kid needs to eat every two hours, I think. It takes about thirty minutes or so each time. If we do the math, it comes out to be twelve hours of feeding each day every other hour. That's of course assuming that they don't want to eat at the same time. That's a hell of a lot of breast work right there. And the diapers! Twice the fun. I've heard that can be tough on a relationship. I just cannot imagine why, with the little darlings to love and need you twenty-four hours a day.
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Dr. Balis:
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This is some quite elaborate imagery, Anna. It sounds like you might still be thinking about Tony. Just a little bit, maybe?
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Ms. Green:
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I have better things to do, Doctor.
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Dr. Balis:
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Hmm.
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Ms. Green:
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Remember I told you what I did to David last week?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes, I do.
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Ms. Green:
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I just love the way he looks at me now. I didn't give him an opportunity to talk to me in private. I think I'll just enjoy watching him think about our encounter every time he sees me. And I bet even when I'm not around! Bill used to tell me that I was the best...forgive my explicitness, Doctor...that he ever had. I wonder if men talk. Do they Doctor?
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm not sure what you mean.
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Ms. Green:
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I mean do men talk about sex? About the experiences that they had and with whom.
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Dr. Balis:
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I'm sure that some men do. Why do you ask?
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Ms. Green:
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I just was thinking, how it would make Bill feel if he knew about David.
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Dr. Balis:
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How do you want him to feel?
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Ms. Green:
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I not sure exactly. Well, yes I am. I want him to feel bad! I'm hoping for some jealousy, anger, bitterness...things like that.
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Dr. Balis:
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Would that make you feel good?
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Ms. Green:
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A little. I told you, I'm through with men making me feel low. Tony sort of derailed me from my resolution. But as I said, I'm over that now. I want men to want me and to treat me with a lot of respect. I think I deserve it. I bet David's opinion of me is pretty high right now.
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Dr. Balis:
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But is this what you really want? Do you want David to think highly of you because of your sexual prowess or because of who you are?
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Ms. Green:
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I want him to think that I'm smart and beautiful and sexy, all those things. But I always felt shy and awkward. Almost like I can do nothing right. I have never even really talked to David before. He always made me feel so self-conscious, you know? He always has lots of women and friends. He is very smart and very good looking. I even heard that he had an affair with Ms. Bows. I'm sure it's just a rumor--she doesn't even visit our department, much less talk to anyone there. But what I was trying to say is that after our encounter, things changed. I walk by and I know and I know that he knows. And somehow it makes me feel less awkward, more like an equal or something. I'm not really saying this right. It's just that somehow things have changed. I almost wish that I had done this long ago. If I had the most popular guy in high school, my life would have been different.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you regret not being sexually promiscuous in high school?
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Ms. Green:
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If you put it that way, no. But I wish I knew more, had more experience. Maybe if my parents talked to me about sex and about relationships when I was a teenager, I wouldn't have ended up with Bill. But I read all these romance novels. You know the kind where there is a damsel in distress and a handsome but very modest young man comes to save her. She usually ends up sacrificing herself to save him in the end. Lots of tragic endings. In retrospect, if Romeo really loved Juliet, he would have called an ambulance.
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Dr. Balis:
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I see.
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Ms. Green:
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So most of my sexual awareness and experience before I met Bill came from books.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you think that you had unrealistic expectations of Bill?
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Ms. Green:
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I know I did. By the way, this in no way excuses his behavior. I was very up front with him. I told him that I was a virgin and didn't have much experience. But instead of being considerate of my needs, he thought of me as just another conquest. And it was even better that I was a virgin. You know, I asked him once how many women he had devirginized. And he was proud to say that he took the virginity of six women. Can you believe it? Six! It's like he wanted to collect trophies or something.
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Dr. Balis:
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How did you react when you first heard about it?
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Ms. Green:
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When Bill first told me, I thought that it must have been because he is so nice, you know? That this was because he loved women and wanted to make them feel good. I thought that those women were lucky because Bill was a good lover and he would have done the job right. But now, as I am saying this to you, I just can't believe that I was this naive. It was never about those women, it was always about Bill. It was always about what was good for Bill. You know Doctor, it is amazing that when one is in a relationship, it is so easy to reconstruct events and actions in a way that fits one's world view. I think back on some of the things that Bill did and said to me when we were together and I cannot believe that it didn't bother me then. But even more then that, I would dream up elaborate explanations to excuse Bill. I would come up with motives for Bill's behavior that I could live with. I would sometimes tell myself that I just have to forgive Bill because his childhood was so rough--his parents weren't supportive enough, his neighborhood was a dangerous place to grow up in, his teachers just didn't understand him, and so on and so on and so on. And I mean every little thing that I would normally find offensive I would just explain away.
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Dr. Balis:
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Can you think of an example?
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Ms. Green:
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Oh, for instance Bill would never clean up, and would never do the laundry, and would never cook. He thought that these were women's jobs. His father was the same way. And I just let him get away with it. I thought that in time he would notice that this was unfair and would just start to feel guilty or something and would start to help. But it never happened.
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Dr. Balis:
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I didn't know that you lived with Bill.
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Ms. Green:
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I didn't really. I had my own place but I would spend most of my time with him.
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Dr. Balis:
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Who was taking care of Bill when you weren't around?
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Ms. Green:
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He always had somebody. All his girlfriends took care of him. And I think when he was alone, and this didn't happen very often--he managed to move between relationships with a greatest of ease and in zero time--his mother would come over and take care of her baby. His parents live relatively close--a couple of blocks away, I think. You know, I am very happy that we are not together anymore. In fact, I'm sort of embarrassed that we got together in the first place. The only excuse that I have for myself is that I think that I was in love with an imaginary person.
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Dr. Balis:
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What do you mean?
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Ms. Green:
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I think I managed to create an elaborate fantasy about who Bill really was. I attributed qualities to him that he clearly did not have. I filled in his personality to make it fit better with what I wanted out of a man. As I just said, I made up excuses for him when his behavior didn't match my image of him. It was like I took Bill and filled him up with all the fantasies that I had about love and relationships.
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Dr. Balis:
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Sounds like it might have been pretty hard to live up to that.
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Ms. Green:
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I suppose. But this is all in the past and it probably was a good experience for me, sort of a dose of reality. Hopefully, I'll know better next time, right?
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Dr. Balis:
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I think you're making a lot of progress. I do though want to suggest Anna Green Bill of Rights Article number two.
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Ms. Green:
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Like what?
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Dr. Balis:
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People can like and respect Anna Green even if she doesn't have sex with them. What do you think?
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Ms. Green:
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Are you implying David?
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Dr. Balis:
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I think David would be a good example.
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Ms. Green:
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I'll think about what you mean, Doctor. It was never my intention to use sex this way.
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Dr. Balis:
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Good. Our time is up for today.
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Ms. Green:
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Next Thursday at 4 pm?
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Dr. Balis:
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Yes. September 12th. I'll see you then. Goodbye Anna.
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Ms. Green:
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Thank you for calling me Anna. Goodbye Doctor.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Anna Green's Communications
