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Mr. Mazurka:
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Hi Doc. Bet you were surprised to hear from me again.
Thanks for making time to see me so quick.
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Dr. Balis:
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Actually I expected that you'd call me, Joe. You've been
experiencing some real symptoms, and I think you realized you needed some
help.
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Yeah, well it probably won't hurt to try this stuff,
you never can tell.
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Dr. Balis:
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We'll take this at your own pace, okay? We don't have
to talk about anything you don't want, but please don't leave before the
fifty minutes are up.
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Sorry about that, maybe I have been going off half-cocked
lately. Ask my wife. Well anyway...
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you want to talk about your wife?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Nah. Oh all right, why not. She's a bitch, what else
is there to say?
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you always felt this way about her?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Well before she hooked me she hid it pretty well. It's
the old story; you forget that every woman in the world has the same damn
thing between her legs, and pretty soon you're promising your life away.
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Dr. Balis:
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How long have you been married?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Twelve long years--it seems like fucking forever. I don't
know, I guess we were happy at first, or at least we didn't have time to
think about it, what with the baby and no sleep, and working two shitty
jobs and trying to tell myself I was going to finish school sometime, yeah
right. I think she was tired of studying herself, figured she'd screw
her way into a meal ticket. Well she picked the right chump--good old balls-for-brains
Mazurka.
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Dr. Balis:
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Was she pregnant when you married her?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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By me or some other guy, I don't know. Everybody says the
kid looks like me, but what are they supposed to say? I don't see the resemblance
myself. But what do you think, I married her for love? Gimme a break.
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Dr. Balis:
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You have two children, don't you?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Yeah, two broken rubbers. The girl looks like my sister
used to look, sort of; I guess she's mine. I don't know about that boy.
He acts like a real jerk sometimes . Must mean he's my kid after all.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you getting along with your children?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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I don't know, we never talk. They're in their own little
world, I'm in mine, we just happen to live in the same house, that's all.
I guess I'm not the world's greatest father. Well fuck it. I'm better
than some. I think the bitch's been turning them against me; always putting
me down in front of them. I don't know what she wants, but I'm not it,
she knows that much.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have things been getting worse lately?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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You could say that, yeah. She gets on my nerves
more. Just the way she does things pisses me off; and the way she looks--well
she really let herself go, you know. I mean some women, twenty years later,
they look just like in high school. Well not her. She sits around eating
like a hog all day, but when I come home and want something to eat , then
she's on a fucking diet. It makes me sick.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you had any symptoms besides the arm problem?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Oh God, I feel like nothing works right anymore. My
shoulder's fucked up, my stomach's no good, I can't see straight, my back
hurts, and sometimes I can't even get it up these days. I don't know,
maybe I'm ready to cash it in.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do these things happen all the time, or just on certain
occasions?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Well I don't need a hard-on all the time, it's just
when I want it happening it craps out--not that I'm getting a lot of chances
any more.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you continued having relations with your wife?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Once in a blue moon, whether I need it or not. But
she don't care, it was just a means to an end for her. I used to think she
liked it, but now it's just a nasty chore. Not that she was ever
so hot, but what the fuck--you want a professional job done, go to a
professional.
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Dr. Balis:
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Have you been using prostitutes?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Well, I'm on the road a lot, you know. What's a guy supposed
to do--cold showers? Fuck that. It's relaxing, you know. Those chicks
know what to do, and you don't have to waste a lot of time farting around
with flowers and shit. You get right to the point, and she's out of there,
that's it.
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Dr. Balis:
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Do you experience any difficulties maintaining erection
in these encounters?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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I never used to. Okay, yeah, this last time, she was
hot to trot, I just didn't feel ready. I don't know what's the matter. It's
not like she didn't know her stuff, it just wasn't any use. I don't feel
guilty or anything, the damn thing just quits on me. I don't know what
to do. How about it, Doc, you got any miracle cures?
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Dr. Balis:
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I don't think it's a matter of miracles, Joe. Sometimes
our bodies tell us things we don't necessarily want to hear.
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Mr. Mazurka:
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What, you mean I'm getting old? I'm only thirty-three.
I should be in my prime, goddamn it. Instead I'm falling apart.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take the arm problem, for instance. Don't you find that
it goes out on you when there is a question of doing something you don't
really want to do?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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You mean softball? Hey, I'd love to show those fuck-heads
how the game should be played. I used to be pretty good, you know. I'm
still in better shape than a lot of those fat-ass desk-jockeys. I just
got a bad arm, okay? And don't you think I'd like to have those whores begging
for mercy? Fucking-A, you bet. I'll beat this thing, you'll see.
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Dr. Balis:
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Are you really willing to try and get to the bottom of it?
I'm afraid it's going to take a lot of work on your part. And frankly Joe,
it doesn't seem like that is going to happen. Do you think you could stop
blaming other people and take an honest look at what might be going on in
your life?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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I don't see what good that's going to do. Do you think
it's all my fault, everything that's wrong with the whole stinking world?
I didn't dig this hole, I just fell in.
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Dr. Balis:
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Nobody can get you out but yourself, Joe. I can try to help,
but really it's up to you. From what you've told me so far, it seems
that you really haven't been controlling your life, you've just been letting
things happen, so you haven't felt responsible for these negative outcomes.
I think that if you could see what's happening, you could decide for yourself
what needed to change, then you could take charge and make some positive
changes. But you've got to work at it, right?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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You really think people can change? I dunno. We can
sit and bullshit for hours, but what's going to be different when we come
out? Not a fucking thing. The wife'll still be a bitch, the job'll still
suck, and my arm is still going to feel like it was run over by a train.
Maybe you believe that talking about problems makes them go away, it seems
to me it just makes them worse.
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Dr. Balis:
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If you ignore something, it doesn't necessarily get better.
These problems have a way of getting your attention whether you want them
to or not. It seems like your arm problem maybe an example of this, not
to mention your impotence.
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Mr. Mazurka:
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I'm not impotent! Who told you that? I said I
was sick and tired of the crap I've been getting from a bunch of jerks and
losers. Who wouldn't be? I don't know why I have to listen to this, I've
got more important things to do.
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Dr. Balis:
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Take it easy, the hour's almost up. You've made a start
today. If you want to continue it is entirely up to you. I would advise
that you begin to keep a journal--just jotting down your thoughts and feelings.
This helps bring things into focus for most people. And keep any random
sketches or doodles you might make. Sometimes these can tell us things that
you can't put into words just yet. We'll schedule you for an appointment
next week. Does this time work for you? Monday at 4 pm?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Yeah, I can make it.
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Dr. Balis:
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I hope we can make some progress, okay?
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Mr. Mazurka:
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Yeah sure, whatever. If you think it's going to do any
fucking good...I don't know. The thing is, see, I'm going down the tubes--maybe
I'll take you with me.
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Dr. Balis:
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Let me worry about that, okay? See you next week.
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Mr. Mazurka:
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See ya, Doc.
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###
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Doctor Balis' Notes on this Session
Transcripts of Joseph Mazurka's Therapy Sessions
